Is he trying to dump me nicely?
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Is he trying to dump me nicely?
| Tue, 03-09-2004 - 8:38am |
I've been seeing this guy for just over a month now and have only seen him a handful of times because of his job being such long hours.A few weeks ago I asked him if he was really interested in seeing this relationship going further because I didn't want to waste my time hanging onto something that isn't there.He said yes.So the next time we saw eachother we ended up doing the deed,that was two weeks ago and I haven't seen him since.He still calls everyday and he will say "let's do something tonight if I get out early" then he wouldn't get out early and I get stuck being at home doing nothing but waiting.He has put me on such an emotional rollar coaster,one min he talking to me like he wants to be with me but then again he never seems to have time to see me.I've made several comments about if or when I'll ever get to see him again and he just says he has been really busy with work and I'll see him again.But these phone calls keep getting shorter and shorter and I just want to come out and ask him if he is trying to let me down nicely or what.How should I ask and what to ask? I just feel like I'm wasteing my time on this person and I feel really used.I don't want to sound like I need to see him everyday,but at least once a week would be nice :-(

I think you should just ask him. It's not fair to you to sit around waiting to see if he'll get off of work or not. It could very well be that he doesn't know how to end things. I would suggest that you make it clear that you're not upset by it (even if you are) because that way you're more likely to get a straight answer if he feels that you can handle it. For instace, if you call him in tears, he probably won't have the heart to say he doesn't want to see you, and the emotional rollercoaster continues. But if you say kind of casually "hey, I just wanted to know if you were still into this, because if not we can both stop wasting our time" he may see that as you just wanting to know, not that you'll fall apart on him.
In my opinion, don't call. Do you usually initiate most of the phone calls? Let him start wondering if he's lost you by not calling and not making dates. Under no circumstances should you wait around for him to "see" if he gets out early. If he says he might get out early and might be able to do something, tell him to let you know when he can make definite plans, that you will have other things to do until then.
It's probably best to assume at this point that he wants to dump you but is avoiding it. Maybe he was wrong about feeling like you are a match, or maybe he just feels to pressured too soon in the relationship. Either way, two weeks is a long time to keep blowing you off. Make up your mind to move on, and if he comes back with still wanting to see you, then reconsider if you want to be with him.
Sounds to me like the last poster has it right. I wouldn't keep calling him. Let him figure out if he wants to see you. Badgering him just makes it more likely that he won't.
This guy is a workaholic. *That* is why he's got no time for you. You can see what he's got to offer. If it isn't working for you or isn't what you're looking for, move on. When something is working for you, it gets better and stronger over time, it doesn't dwindle, nor does it cause you daily anxiety, frustration, hurt, irritation, anger, etc. etc. It brings you contentment. It's not a struggle. He is who he is. Take him as is or not. That's for you to decide.
I would just learn from this that you are not comfortable having sex so early and without a commitment.
I couldn't agree more! I have seen so many women wait 6-8 weeks with some assumption that if he is willing to stick around to get his prize then he is serious. Its NOT a prize and that is not always the case. I dated a guy for 4 months...and every time I tried to seduce him he gave me the "I want to go slow", "I don't want to screw this up" bull...of course I thought he was REALLY serious, LOL! Not! He just really enjoyed hanging out with me...I'm fun, adventurous and outgoing...the perfect "companion" for a guy who is feeling lonely. He didn't want to sleep with me b/c he didn't want a romantic r/ship - he just told me what he thought I wanted to hear to keep me "interested". So my point is - there are NO guarantees.
But...you might want to wait to sleep with the guy until you are sure of where you stand. He may just be busy and feel you don't need longer phone calls b/c you have moved your r/ship to another level. Or he may be losing interest b/c the "chase" is over. Only time will tell. My suggestion at this point is to NOT wait around for him. I dated a guy like this and when he said, "maybe we'll get together if I get off early"...I would say, "yeah, that will be nice if I end up staying home"...not that I was playing games b/c I would try to find something else to do. I enjoyed having the "back up" plan tho ;-) And I would ask him if he can do things on the w/ends - with SET plans. Voice your needs...don't expect him to be a mind reader. If he isn't willing to invest the kind of time and energy to getting to know you that you are investing in him...maybe you need to think about dating someone else.
Good luck, Go.
PS: it is very common to go 2 weeks w/o seeing each other in the beginning...he had a life/routine before he met you...
This is not to say that somewhere down the road he won't change his mind and decide that he wants to spend a lot of time with you. I just don't think you should count on it, and certainly you shouldn't wait for him! Go forth and date others... As everyone else has urged, don't call him. Let him come to you with plans. And if he stands you up, forget about him. You would have gotten all the evidence you need to decide that this isn't the guy for you.
And I agree with Boobeetrap... I don't think that withholding sex is the key to keeping a guy "interested." But I think it makes sense to wait until YOU feel completely good about your decision to have sex, and be ready to accept that it might just be a one-time thing. But if what you want is an ongoing relationship, then you should wait until you know your partner well enough to depend on him.
I know I am not comfortable with a wishy-washy "maybe he'll come around, maybe he won't" situation.