Is he unattentive / Am I demanding?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2005
Is he unattentive / Am I demanding?
1
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 7:30am

My beau and I are coming up on our 1 year anniversary, and I wonder if I should break things off before we hit that date. I am so sad.

My man is a good man- but he is a workaholic, and not the most attentive guy I've ever dated. He is honest, moral, funny, polite, reliable, sexy to me, etc. He is a man of intergrity for sure. But this man has been single for 10 years b/c he puts all of his time, thought & effort into his boat and his small HVAC business. He says he wants to be committed, I think he really does- but I can see why he hasn't been all these years.

We only spend a few hours on a weeknight and spend Saturday night/Sunday together. Even though he is with me, he is still mentally at work, thinking about work, planning for work, etc. His stress level is high b/c he never turns work away or doing favors for people away. He never says no- which only hurts him. I know many other small business owners just like him, who work on having a much better balance in life (personal / professional). He just can't seem to obtain it.

I think he loves me, but he has only said it once or twice; he doesn't ever give small gifts or tokens of affection (not romantic at all), we only have sex once a week anymore b/c he is tired. I am frustrated and at a loss. I love this man, we have argued in the past when I ask for what I want; it only causes problems.

I don't know what to do at this point, I love him, I hate to lose him, but he just isn't giving me what I need. I think the best thing to do, is to "bow out gracefully" while we have been getting along. Voicing my frustrations has not gotten me anywhere yet- only into huge arguments with him. I don't want to hurt him with my wants and demands anymore, it's pointless. I guess it is best to set him free, I know that I do love him, I really do.

Gosh it's hard being single at 33 years old. : (

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2006
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 8:29am

I feel your pain. I felt the same way about my relationship (which is over). If a man cannot meet your needs/expectations, then you are settling by staying with him. All that stuff about him being honest, good, fun, smart, etc. are all irrelevant. At the end of the day, you both need to meet e/o's needs and be there for each other. I do think that ending it on a positive and mature note is the best way to go. It sounds like he will be very understanding when you explain your reasons. He probably already feels bad he cannot give you the time and attention you deserve. It's likely his other relationships ended for the same reason.

The only other option you have is that you stay in the relationship and just keep quiet when work and other obligations take priority over you. It will definitely happen over and over again.. how long will you be able to put up with it?

You should end things before your feelings of resentment get to the point that you cannot even salvage a friendship with this guy.

Just to give you a sense of my experience: I had an LDR with a guy who went from 2-3 hour marathon calls with me to a few minutes scattered throughout the day. When I told him I needed at least 30 minutes of uninterrupted convo once a day, he could not commit to that. He also could not commit to visiting me when it was his turn. I finally ended things b/c he was constantly breaking promises. In hindsight, I wish I had ended things on a better note, instead of waiting until he broke a major promise and breaking up with him in anger. You are still at a point where you can break things off nicely and amicably.

Good luck.

PS. Don't let age play any role in your decision to break up/stay with this guy.