He wants to slow down

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
He wants to slow down
13
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 7:32pm
Hello everyone....I met someone about 3 weeks ago. We went out on our first date, and there was alot of attraction and chemistry between both of us. We saw each other for the next two days and again 3 more times that week. He slept together the last time and it was amazing. He went away on the week-end text messaged me, saying that he was thinking about me, etc.. and two days later(yesterday) when he came back called and told me that he missed me, and thought about me alot, on the same conversation he mentions, that he doesn't know yet what he wants from me, but he feel we need to slow down. He says he's confused, and scared, because things moved too fast. I agree, but i don't want to stop seeing him, i like him. We met today for lunch, i was not as close with him as before, and i told him that if he just wanted to be friends, we would just do that. He said he didn't just want to be just friends, and that he didn't want to stop seeing me, just to slow down. I honestly don't have a clue what he means, when all the times that we did see each other, he's the one who took iniative asking to see me...So basically, we don't have anything serious or commitment, meaning he's not my bf and i'm not his gf, but he says that we can't see other people. What do you think, should i be patient, and let things take his course with him, put my dating life on hold for someone, who's not absolute sure yet about having a relationship yet? What should i do? What do you all think about this?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 7:39pm

I love it when guys say they want to "slow down" but they still want to have sex with you. That was sarcasm by the way.

I think it's a bunch of BS and if he was REALLY so concerned about going too fast, he wouldn't have slept with you so soon.

I think he just wants to put you on notice that he's not good BF material, so that when he tells you he can't do this anymore down the road, you aren't allowed to be surprised or hurt, because he TOLD you he was confused and scared!!!

If you're willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, continue to see him but only 1-2 times a week, and don't sleep with him. THAT is going slow.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 7:51pm
YOU'RE confused by this guy? I'm even more confused. He says he wants to slow down. He doesn't consider you his gf, but yet you cannot see other guys (and he says he's not going to see other girls). He's sending a double message. He wants you around for the sex part, but for the commitment part, he wants you to not expect anything from him. It is not fair for him to expect you to put your dating life on hold for him. If I were you, I wouldn't "slow down" the progression of the relationship. I would bring it to a dead halt.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 7:57pm

I think you have nothing worry about. You could go slow with him while still being exclusive with him (provided you both want to be exclusive),and see where the ball rolls.
Beautiful things have happened when a new relationship is not put under pressure but is just allowed to blossom naturally without many expectations.

I have wanted to "go slow" with guys who I did want to see exclusively when I felt things were going too fast. Yes, at this stage you don't have to call each other bf and gf (that comes when both are comfortable with that) but could still be exclusively dating each other.

Is he just out of a relationship? Perhaps he needs some time to completely get over his ex? The sex perhaps made him feel like things were going very fast.

One good way to slow down would be to stop sleeping with each other unless he is ready.
Another would be to give him space. You don't have to make plans for each and everyday of the week. Some days you both could just be doing your own thing. And it would help to not put a lot of pressure on him regarding expecting to come see you and call you all the time. You did say he takes most of the initiative anyway. Keep the emotional connecton alive and just have patience.

Goodluck.

PS: Do make sure you are both looking for the same thing, though. You don't want to be surprised later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 8:14pm

Hmm, I don't have the feeling that he is out to take advanatage of her..
I think he would infact "appreciate" not having sex this soon (from the feeling I get).
Because looks like it was "after" they both slept with each other, that he felt things were going too fast. Inanycase, it is always good to delay sex. "Going slow" which includes no sex, is a very good and wise thing.

Discuss it with him, and see what his reaction is. With time, you will know if he is being sincere or if he is just fooling you. Trust your instincts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 10:28pm

Well, he says he needs some time, plus i feel that he is a bit insecure, since he's a bit younger than me, and me being older, been married, and having 2 kids. But he knew this before he persued me.

All i could feel today is that after we had not seen each other for 3 days, his willingness to touch me or to get close to me , when i seemed distant, after the night before phone conversation...I told him we should be friends and yes, things were moving too fast. He said he doesn't want to stop seeing me, that he likes me, enjoys spending time with me. But he's confused, i told him i don't need to suffer, cause i've been through enough, and i don't want to be with someone who does not want to be with me. All he said was we will take it slow, see each other once or twice a week, but be exclusive....i don't know, i'm wondering why hasn't he called tonight, honestly i don't know if i can handle this..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Wed, 08-24-2005 - 7:14pm

I can sympathize being in somewhat of a similar situation myself. I think that if you really like him, you should first talk about what you from a relationship (like another poster mentioned). If he's unsure, vague, blurry about where he would like a relationship to go, then I would take that as a pretty sure sign he's, well, unsure, vague and blurry... But if you both want the same thing, then let him know you'd like to spend more time together getting to know each other. I read somewhere the 2/2 rule about dating. I don't think it applies to *every* situation because relationships all progress differently, but I liked the idea. The idea is that a couple should consider spending time together two times per week for two months before getting serious (I think it's in the context of having sex, ...but maybe should be more in the context of before getting emotionally attached, which is always my problem). If he doesn't want to put in the time to get to know you, then he's probably not ready to commit to a serious relationship and therefore you promising to be exclusive might not be the best thing for yourself..

I don't know...I'm lost myself. ...good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 4:21pm
Wanting to take thing slowly is usually shorthand for 'goodbye.' Men are cowards and can't bear the 'g' word so usually wanting just to be friends, have space etc etc are their ways of getting out. My last 'boyfriend' didn't call me for weeks until mutual friends forced him to call me and then he said it would hurt us seeing each other as he travelled a lot (he knew this before he pursued me and we had sex) and I should give it a lot of thought. When I said I'd given it a lot of thought and wanted to continue with him anyway he really was in a predicament as I had called his bluff so he just banged the phone down and changed his number!! Men!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 6:16pm
well, if u want something different, and he isnt willing to give it right now, then it is your choice now. can u trust this guy? is he sincere. do u think he is being exclusive too? i don't want the guy to be "reserving" a girl, and then going out himself. be careful. ofcourse, we don't know him...you know him better. is he available "other" days when u both are not meeting. or does he avoid you those days...
consider all aspects carefully..
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 6:30pm

OMG, stefania9, that's really REALLY lame of him. At least you know now and can just move on from that.

I've been seeing this guy for over three months. We just recently got physical which seems to have coincided with him pulling away. But in my case, I am wondering if he never really wanted it to be physical in the first place because of all the complications it brings (i.e. committment). I tend to think that that's the reason he wanted to wait. Long story short, when the time came, he had some problems with performance ...but I won't go into details other than the detail that he's made a drs appointment and said he'll call Monday. We'll see...but I'm trying not to get myself totally invested. Rather just trying to believe him at his word, and not question it so much. If he calls, we'll see where we can pick it up, if not....well, it's not like it's the FIRST time I've had to move on! ;-)

I don't get it. I don't know about you all, but for me it's really a mental exercise to NOT take things personally. To not think that a guy's fear of committment says something personal about me. I tend to fall into the thinking that it's MY fault, something wrong with how I am as a person prevents him from wanting to commit to me. Which in reality might be true, but it doesn't make me a bad girlfriend or unworthy of a relationship. But it doesn't feel good anyhow.

The good news is that it gets easier. I tend to take a little longer to invest myself and a little slower about believing that this could "be it" each time. I try a little harder each time to focus on having fun, to enjoy the moment and the company at the time and not get wrapped up in thoughts about where it *might* go, where it *could* go.... All the while hanging on to my belief in love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Fri, 08-26-2005 - 11:24am
Interesting to see how some of us experience the same similar situations...I broke down two days ago, and called him, he came over, he slept together, then later on my kids came home, he said he felt unconfortable, but once they were there, he was very confortable, and was talking to them, we we had fun. The next day we talked on msn, and one of the first things he asked was, what did my girls say about him? anyways, i still think he's confused, this is a new situation for him, i don't think he's ever dated someone older with kids. So i decided to back off myself a little, and we're not even getting together this week-end, and i'm ok, about that, well, i will try not think about him too much, he has is own plans, so will give him his space, but i tell you one thing i will not stop myself from meeting someone else, if the opportunity happens to arise...

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