Head is spinning
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 03-08-2007 - 12:44pm |
Last summer, I reunited with my 1st love after not dating for 10 years, and not seeing each other for 5. About 2 years before we started dating again, we reconnected, but he was married and I was in a relationship. We caught up (no affair, no flirting, etc), and kept in touch a bit (i.e., birthdays and holidays). During that time, he went through his divorce. He came out of it pretty well, they did not have a lot of issues. I wouldn't quite say it ended amicably, but it wasn't major stress, etc.
So, we have been seeing each other for almost 8 months, pretty intensely. Lots of lingering feelings, etc. We are both agreeing to take things slowly. We are about 400 miles apart, so that makes it a bit easier to do so.
I have 2 children from my previous relationship. Their father and I split about 6 years ago, and he unfortunately became a deadbeat dad. For the past 2 months, he has been very consistent with the kids. I am really thinking, "hey, maybe he has received his wake up call". The kids are happy, which is all I really need.
Today, he calls, and hits me with the 'I still think about us' and 'Can we try' deal. I'm like, WHAT!?!? Where is this coming from? We talked for a little bit, but I was at work, so not too much. He asked me out-on a date. Yikes.
Now, I would not go so far as to say I am still in love with him (the kids dad), but I have always cared for him, despite. My heart is certainly with my sweetie. I love him. My parental voice is telling me that I owe it to the kids to try to work things out with their dad. My head is all confused.
Help me! LOL! :-) What am I not seeing? What am I missing??

What you're missing is whatever caused the divorce in the first place.
How have those issues been addressed? What has he done to change his ways? What have you done to address your part in the divorce (it's never just one person at fault unless there's abuse, be it substance, physical or emotional/verbal)?
Is he willing to attend intense couples counseling with you? I think that counseling is the very LEAST it would take to make a marriage work the second time around.
I have changed. We were pretty young at the time, and I was a very angry young woman. Poor temper, poor control of my emotions. I had low self-esteem and just in general wasn't happy. Naturally, that played a role in the breakdown of the relationship.
For him...I know the problems were things that are just an integral part of his personality. He is a party animal. He is very self-centered. Huge ME complex. The world revolves around him.
I am very calm, reserved, though I do enjoy having fun. I think he brings that aspect, but I don't think I can live with the other things. Funny thing is, my sweetheart has a very similar personality. Difference is, he has Self Control. I don't know if part of that is age (Sweetheart is 4 years older than Ex). For Sweetheart, Friday is his day to hang out, Ex wants to party 3-4 times/week. Sweetheart is pretty cocky, a little self centered, but he takes good care of those around him (his children, myself, family, friends). Takes something major for Ex to help others.
I don't know that Ex has worked out his issues. I don't *think* that he has. I think he'd like to get things in order and wants ME to help him along that journey. I think it's his journey to complete on his own...
I agree with you that it's his journey to work through on his own.
If he's still partying, and if he's still self-centered, then he's not ready to settle down and be a husband and proper full-time father, IMO.