Hearing from someone after an absence?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Hearing from someone after an absence?
12
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 11:09am
What's the longest you've gone without hearing from someone? For example, say someone who was interested in you or you were interested in and maybe contact stopped for some reason? Maybe you had a date with someone that you liked and then didn't hear from them for a long time after that? What reasons were given for the silence and then reestablishing contact? Just curious what peoples experiences have been. I've noticed sometimes in my experience and my girlfriends that men can sometimes go a long time without contact and then try and reestablish contact and I really don't get why they do that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 11:20am
I think that when that happens, it is often b/c another woman entered the picture, and you eventually hear from him when things don't work out with her.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 11:26am
I dated someone for 8 weeks in October-Dec. 2001 - we broke it off because he wanted sex without a commitment, which I would not do - we somewhat stayed in touch for months - by instant message - and went for periods of no or little contact. I contacted him in January 2003 when I got a promotion and he reestablished contact in the sense of wanting to date me again - I never asked him why he wanted to try again at that point - we dated again for 4-5 weeks, I told him up front I felt the same way about sex w/o a commitment and of course that was the reason for the break up again (not that it was a real break up given the length of the second dating period)

I have had many men who I dated very casually - a few times at most, call or contact me after months of no contact - typically because they dated someone else or they happened to find my number again, etc. I have never had a serious relationship where there was a period of "disappearance" as opposed to knowing contact would be broken off. My general thought is that with few exceptions, someone who disappears without explanation probably is not a safe bet for a healthy relationship if he reestablishes contact unless there was some kind of emergency, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 4:13pm
I agree. The trick is getting the man to *admit* he went away because he became involved with another woman, and that he came back when it didn't work out! Many men will not be upfront about this. You'd have to ask very specifically.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 5:22pm
Do you think having them admit it makes any real difference?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 7:04pm
Yes, if it were happening to me, it would definitely make a difference in whether I chose to begin seeing him again. For instance, if I found out he lied, or that he had begun dating another woman while we were supposed to be in an exclusive relationship, I wouldn't get back together with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 7:09pm
It could be several reasons men do this. And in all cases it's nothing personal, me just need time to think things through...

1.) He may still be involved with someone

2.) He may have something to hide and respects you and don't want you to know yet.

3.) He may need time to think about things thus needing his space.

4.) He could be testing you to see how long he can go without talking to you


This is all I can think of. I know a guy that has told me how much he likes me, wants to be with me, wants to settle down with me etc....and I haven't seen him in 2 months or talked to him in 3 weeks. But I know he will come back because I've known him too long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 8:09pm
Oh absolutely agree--if there was a commitment, most definitely. But what if it was more of a casual thing? Would it matter if he were honest or not then?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 8:39pm
If it were really a casual relationship, I might still like to have some kind of explanation as to why I hadn't heard from a guy for weeks or months, and that includes the fact that he was seeing another woman. It's just being open and honest. It's not that I need all the gory details.

For myself, I wouldn't have any problem telling a man that I had been dating someone else while I was "away," or that I had tried to reconcile with someone. But it seems that men are sometimes reluctant to admit to this. But they would readily tell you most other details of their personal life as reasons why you hadn't heard from them, like because they had been "out of the country" or "having financial troubles." I can only guess why they feel it is necessary to withhold information about another relationship.

Personally, I would appreciate the honesty. I could then make a more informed decision about whether I wanted to get re-involved with the guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:01pm
Let's see. I had a boy who was interested in my when I was 15, we didn't go to the same school but were avid letter writers and phone callers. Then one day it stopped. 20 years later he emailed me and asked if I remembered him, and we talked about why the contact stopped so abruptly. How's that for a long awaited explanation and closure! ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:08pm
And what was the explanation? LOL

 

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