Heavily Confused and Feeling Unmet Needs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Heavily Confused and Feeling Unmet Needs
8
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 2:53am
I'm 20 years old, and I've been with my guy for 1 year, 8 months. We live together, had a pretty swift moving romance, and now I feel upset that I haven't gotten a proposal. I never thought I was that girl, the one that poured over magazines looking for tips on how to lure him in, but honestly. I just don't understand.

What is it that makes me want to marry him? I really don't think I'll be hapy until I resolve this. How do I approach this conversation? I've hinted, but I know that I can't expect him to pick up on the hints. He's a wonderfully sweet guy, and I love him to peices, but what do I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 9:09am
redstripedrose..

To a woman...marriage is security. To a man...it's occasionally (but not always) "a ball and chain!"

Unfortunately...you fell into the trap of 'living together before marriage'---so your b/f probably has gotten comfortable with this arrangement and doesn't want to change it!

Not to be mean, but are your only priorities in life to be married, barefoot and pregnant?

Or...can you see something more in your life than you currently have?

If the answer is YES...move back with family, move in with friends, find your own place and start to realize a few dreams of your own. At 20...I'll bet you have at least a couple?

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 9:14am
you are 20 years old!!! why do you want to rush into something like that? I don't understand why women think that they need to "lure" men into marriage. Just because you have a ring on your finger it doesn't mean anything other than, well...you have a ring on your finger. If you are not happy with him right now, I think the reasons behind that are more than just not being married, as you put it. I highly doubt that getting married would make you happy. I think you need to step back, enjoy life as it is right now and not worry about getting married, which could be a huge mistake! I was with my ex boyfriend for 3 years(I am 22 now, we broke up this past summer) and I thought we were going to get married. That would have been a mistake...too young, too soon sweetie..
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 9:18am
in america many women are just looking to get married, have kids and be a housewife. Where I come from (Scandinavia)no woman looks for that...women are independent, career-oriented people who have dreams of their own. So please be careful when you say this because it really applies to american women in particular:

<>>
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 10:19am
wind1valley...

Your point is well taken...and Pianoguy meant no disrespect.

There are many American women who feel that SECURITY and MARRIAGE are synonymous with each other. Not having the advantage of international travel (with the exception of 2 trips to the Philippines---where I met and eventually married wife #2), my comments probably seemed like they were more of an "american reference!"

However, after having read hundreds of international posts on these ivillage boards, I sense there are women from other countries who also feel that a husband, children, a house and a domestic situation is priority #1....and occasionally get a little frustrated when the "event" hasn't happened?

Irregardless of the country, the term "ball & chain" CAN be interpreted as a 'universal male viewpoint!' Fortunately...most of us are lucky enough to find the right wife...who doesn't turn into a "warden!"

Please don't think that I'm flirting with you...but I've always found scandanavian women very attractive....intellectually...as well as physically. A former co-worker of mine was married to a lovely woman from Denmark. While her beauty was outstanding, our converations together about different subjects...completely bowled me over!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.

Pianoguy



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 10:43am
Oh I didn't think you were disrespecting me, just thought I'd bring up that point. I was born and raised in Finland and know for a fact that marriage in Finland (and other Scandinavian countries) is not looked upon the same way as in the United States.

Yes, I am your "stereotypical" Scandinavian woman, 5'10", blond and blue eyed and yes, we feel much more comfortable speaking about what in the US are regarded as controversial issues, such as sex, race, politcs and religion. In fact, I love to have share ideas and debate over such issues...have a great day Pianoguy :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 4:08pm
Okay, last night I didn't elaborate enough..

I'm 20, I'm going to go to college to get my art degree. I'm an activist (animal rights, human rights, drug reform, politics, etc.) and I have a goal of opening my own restaurant in the next 5 years. I want to have a house and kids later, but I want to live now.

I'm not whining, I'm not really obsessed. I just have this bothering me now. I want to know why it is that I want to be engaged. I'd love to be engaged for 3 or 4 years, you know, until I have my degree and I've started on my business. I want to be independant. I just don't understand this. Why do I want it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 5:13pm
You just want the security of knowing that what you have with this guy is going to last forever. You don't want to wonder...will it be...or won't it be? A ring represents things going in the right directions in regards to a permanent, long term commited relationship.

I think if you really want this...you will have to bite the bullet and move out. A guy loves to have his cake and eat it too. Living with your guy is giving him what he wants...but you don't have what you want.

I wish you the best of luck.

Jodie

 

http://tickers.ticke

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2002
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 7:33am
Perhaps what you want from this man is a committment to YOU and the relationship. perhaps when you moved in together you thought you were going to get that. Instead you living together and are perhpas feeling a bit used and taken for granted. Living together is just very convenient for him and you too but not giving you the intimacy, trust, committment you want. perhaps you think engagement or marriage is going to give you that? An engagement ring WILL NOT change that. Marrigae WILL NOT change that. You say that the romance moved quicky-perhaps too quickly to really get to know each other before you settled in to what looks like a committed relationship but really isn't? Your title is the answer to your question. Your needs are unmet in this relatinship with this man. You are confused----is he being straight with you??? Something to think about.