HEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPP!!!!!!

Avatar for josie_glausier
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
HEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPP!!!!!!
5
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 1:12pm

UGH, I don't know WHAT to do!

I'm newly dating, just coming out of an 8 year relationship and I'm only 25. Yes, I didn't do the dating thing, married the first idiot that turned my head, and ended up in heartbreak alley! :o( Now, I find myself a single mom of 2, trying to work a full-time professional job (I'm a systems programmer/analyst), take care of the house, AND try to have a life! UGH!

Now, I have these two guys that are driving me up a wall, I don't know what to do. One guy lives 3 hours away, and is going house hunting for something big enough to fit me and my kids in, but I have absolutely no intentions on moving out there, much less moving in with him. He's a sweet guy, but not somebody I can picture myself with for the long haul. I don't know how to break it off with him without crushing him. We've been dating for 3 months.

Then I have this other guy who lives over 1,000 miles away, I met him over the internet. He's willing to make the move to be with me, but is wanting me to make a commitment to him over the phone. I'm trying to let him down easy, but he's not making it to be that way. He's pressuring me to make a decision, and I haven't even met him. I'd like to just tell him to go bugger off and leave me be, but I hate to be mean! :o( He is a really nice guy, but is wanting me to make too much of a commitment too soon.

What is up with these guys? They all want so much so fast!?!?!! It's difficult, I'm just coming out of a very long relationship, a very bad one at that, and these men are all wanting me to settle down AGAIN! I don't know which way to turn. One part of me would like a companion, someone to spend my time with and keep me company. The other part of me says to stay alone, cuz this way I don't have to worry about dealing with the BS associated with relationships/marriage/etc.

How do I let both of these guys down? I just want them out of my hair, to be perfectly honest with you. Sounds terrible, I know, but I just want them to back off, but I want to be sweet and sincere about it. UGH, I'm going nuts!

Thanks for any and all advice! I hate to be mean to these guys, especially the one I've been seeing for 3 months! UGH, don't know what to do!! Thanks!

~ Josie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 2:12pm

You seem to be caught up with being perceived as a meanie. You can either go on pretending to be happy in these non-relationships or tell these guys the truth.

You can easily used the "It's not you, it's me approach" which is the truth. Tell both of them that you are not ready for a relationship. When they ask you to be their "friend" tell them that you may plan to contact them in the future but right now you have to focus on you.

The Internet guy can be let go through email. You can talk to the other one over the phone, 3 months is not long enough to warrant a face to face break-up. I don't think you will be perceived as mean, and even if you are I don't see how it will impact you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 2:46pm

Hon, you seem to be a very kind and thoughtful person which is great. But you are NOT responsible for these guys' feelings. You are only responsible for your own. Tell house-buying guy that while you like him, you do not feel ready to move in with anyone and that you need to have time for yourself before you make any kind of commitment. Say thta you appreciate the gesture but since you recently got out of a very long-term relationship, you are focusing on getting your life back on track. If you don't want to see him anymore, at that point, tell him that you think it's beter that you do that by being alone with you and your kids for a while focusing on you as a family unit before adding anyone else so you'd appreciate it if he'd give you some time and space and that you'll contact him when/if you're ready to see him again.

As for Internet guy who wants a commitment sight-unseen... Tell him that you will not do that no matter what and that he should stay where he is because it's not going to happen. Tell him the same stuff about needing to focus on yourself for a while until you figure out where you are. The last thing you need is pressure from some bozo that lives across the country when things don't work out and he's whining to you about how he moved across the country to be with you and now he's screwed.

If they can't take the direct approach, stop answering phone calls and emails. Don't try to continue to talk to them and let them down easy. Say it and be done with it.

After this, I suggest finding some guys closer to your area and letting them know right off that you want to take things slowly. NO harm in that and it sets expectations up front.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 5:08pm

I agree with the other posters.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 3:44pm
Been there, done that. I ended up a single mom to 1 child (4 yrs old) after 10 yrs of marriage; I'm 32....do the math, and like you, I married the 1st idiot that came along! Anyways, I've been divorced for almost 2 yrs. and like you, again, was not (and honestly, I'm still not) ready for any kind of commitment! I knew a guy (through work) while I was married, but for obvious reasons, never maintained a friendship and lost touch. Low & behold after the divorce he finds me; I live in Florida and he lives in Louisina. He came down a few times to visit and we'd talk on a daily basis. He was a great FRIEND. He on the other hand, was ready to pack up his stuff and move down -- what in the world was he thinking??? Needless to say, with as tacky as some cliches are, "honesty, is the best policy". Most men understand that coming out of a long-term relationship, it's difficult to just bounce back and be willing to do it all over again. Besides, this reasoning is much better than "your ugly and/or I don't like you, enough"! So, I gotta tell ya, your best way out is to simply let them know you're not ready nor interested in a commitment, period. Trust me, you can pull it off and not be mean, rude or hurtful. Instead, you come off as someone that's been hurt and just not ready. And, if after that, still nothing, then they're not worth being with......if they love/care for you, they'd understand and give you all the time you need. My friend & I lost touch, literally, until last week, that he contacted me, again. He was full of resentment & emotions; you can't always be the nice guy. I learned through my divorce, that I have to watch out for me & my daughter, no matter what! Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Wed, 01-18-2006 - 11:12pm
The guys seem to want us jump into a life-long commitment too fast, or they are completely commitment-phobic! Why can't we find a happy medium?

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