HELP ASAP PLEASE (tonight!!!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
HELP ASAP PLEASE (tonight!!!)
8
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 6:59pm
Hi everyone, I need help fast (it pertains to someone I am going out with tonight, I really need to clear something up with him). Ok, as brief as possible, I am going out tonight on a second date with someone I like and would like to get to know better. The thing is, he has made it pretty clear that he is "totally dedicated to me", "thinks about me all the time", "nothing I do could scare him off", etc. etc. This has me a little freaked out, yes, but I do like him and we have a lot in common, etc. Ok, here's my question: How do I tell him that I am seeing other people (which I am) without hurting his feelings or making him think I am not interested? Maybe he is "the one", but I need more time, a lot more, to tell. I want to take things slow. I've rushed into things before, and it has only caused disaster and heartache. I have told him all this, and he just seems baffled by it. So I have no idea how to broach the other people subject, but I definitely have to because I want to be totally honest with him. Any suggestions? Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 7:11pm

Clear something up for me... how can he be dedicated to you after 1 date? Is he someone you've known for a long time or is there something else you haven't told us? If it's truly only the 2nd date, it seems like he's moving a little fast. I understand liking someone and being excited, but saying you're dedicated so soon seems a little off.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 7:30pm

Hello again, well, that's EXACTLY the problem...he said, just today on the phone, and I quote "I am not going anywhere, I am totally dedicated to you." (he been saying stuff along these lines over and over) He gave me the chain he has worn around his neck since forever on our first date!!! I told him I didn't want to, I didn't feel right, he was so insistent it was easier just to take it. I am returning it tonight, and telling him I just don't feel right accepting that at this stage. You are probably thinking, why even bother with him, he actually is a good guy, and I really enjoy being with him, it's just that I've messed up things in the past by going too fast and I want to take things slow. I have said this over and over (when he makes these declarations of dedication comments) and he really doesn't see that he is rushing things...I just want to know a good way to word the I'm-still-seeing-other-people thing without hurting him or making him think I am not interested. Like I said, maybe he is the one, but I need more time to tell that.

P.S. He is not super-young either (35-I am 34), so I can't really blame immaturity...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 7:56pm

Unless he has asked you to be exclusive, I would not say anything. It's just not a cool thing to talk about--it's one of those "don't ask, don't tell" subjects. I always assume that both people are dating other people until exclusivity is specifically discussed and agreed to and if he's not doing that, then he's being highly unrealistic.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 8:05pm

I find him offering the chain to you on a 1st date very odd and way too fast. But you accepting it was not the greatest move because it was almost as if you were accepting his offer. I would definitely ask him tonight if he ever has done that before because it's a bit of a red flag.


Really, you don't owe anything to this guy so I don't think you need to tell him you're dating anyone just yet. But do have another conversation and tell him that it's important to take things slow and let things build and grow. As for you, take it easy and minimize your dating time with him. Don't play games but don't give him the impression that he's the only guy either. If he asks, be honest but otherwise just don't be available every time he asks to go out.


Let us know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 8:15pm
Hi again (love that flowered frog by the way-adorable!!!) Thank you for the advice...I will definitely keep you posted. I just want to be honest and kind with him, like I'd want someone to be with me. I am POSITIVE he is not seeing other people, but I am...it just makes it very awkward when he says the stuff he does. I don't know how to repond. Well, wish me luck, and thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 8:31am

Good morning everyone...ugh, last night did not go well at ALL. The "seeing other people" topic came up, and he was REALLY upset at the thought of my seeing other people while seeing him. He said, "I can see other guys while seeing him, but don't expect him to be around", and "that's so to date more than one person at the same time", something about he doesn't understand how people can have a different person each day of the week, and a lot of other things I won't waste time going into. I told him I am NOT ready to make a commitment, he's like I'm not ASKING you to make a commitment; hello, am I missing something here??? Not seeing other people while I am seeing him and getting to know him, uh, how is that not a commitment??? He also doesn't understand and asked "What else is there I need to get to know about him?" In other words, don't I know what I need to know by now?

So there was a huge amount of tension after that and the rest of the night basically (for me) sucked. Things calmed down, but then he was more "attached" than ever. He summed things up by saying he definitely wants to pursue a relationship with me, he really wants to see where this will go, blah, blah, blah, I need to "do what I need to do", but he really thinks we should "give it a try", etc. etc. All this while holding the guilt-trip-gun-to-my-head. I got to hear how he told his friends, sister, daughter, basically everyone he knows how he met this great girl, wait till you meet her, wow.

This is sooooo out in left field for me. I have done quite a bit of dating, I have an ex-husband and several ex-boyfriends in the span of my 34 years, and I have never, ever run into a guy or situation like this. Short of changing my phone number (thank GOD he doesn't know where I live but he does know where I work) what the heck do I do??? I don't think I want to see him anymore (there are other things as well I think we are just too different about). This is way too intense and weird. Now I am afraid to tell him I don't think this will work out. I am a very sensitive person, and I know this will crush him, and it makes me feel bad beyond belief. At the same time, it's not fair to me to stick with him and be miserable. I'd love a guy's take on this situation as well. Sorry this post is so long!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 9:23am

I'm not a man, but I asked my bf to read it and the below advice is from him...


It's only a second date, you don't owe the guy anything so get rid of that guilty feeling of hurting him. You were up front and truthful and did not lead him on or be dishonest. You're both adults and it doesn't make sense for him to feel such attachment after a first date.


If you don't feel comfortable seeing him or telling him in person then tell him when he calls that you don't feel you are ready for the type of relationship he's seeking, that it's not what you're looking for and leave it at that. (Do not call him, wait for his call.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 9:37am

Kerry, I can't thank you and your bf enough. I was just talking to my mom and saying that very thing... I don't want this but rejecting him is completely wracking me with guilt. Ok...wish me luck...I will keep posting.

Hugs to you both!