Help! Boyfriend's mom dislike me!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Help! Boyfriend's mom dislike me!!
4
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 4:27am
Hello,

First of all thank you for taking the time to read this.

My situation is my boyfriend's mother does not like me. From the start of our relationship (been together for 4 1/2 years), she has been cunning in her remarks to him regarding me and makes her opinion apparent.

He doesn't have the most comfortable relationship with his mother, probably because his mom isn't very warm or encouraging. His mom doesn't tell him I love you, or tell him she is proud of him, etc... She is always quick to call him on things he is doing wrong (she gets along great with his "perfect" older brother). Obviously this has affected his confidence. So anyway, he feels judged a lot which of coarse prevents them from having a close, mother/son relationship. Yet, he still carries high respect for her and would love to someday make her proud.

In the beginning she was horrible about me and after we were together for a year or so, she just started to tolerate me and I was invited to family things.

So, the other day we were at his parents, and his parents gave an opinion to him (about an advertising brochure for his company) and I was excited and said "See honey, your parents said the same thing I did." He wasn't making eye contact with me, on purpose, because they had the same opinion. So I (funnily) said "come on hun, where's the eye contact" and he looked up and smiled and said "ya, whatever" (funnily)

So, I happened to speak with her today and she said, "a little constructive criticism...I wouldn't cut him down in front of his parents or do that at all." I was caught so off guard all I could do was say apologize and say I'm sorry. I wish I would have explained that's we are, we are just being sarcastic. We do this in an obviously playful way. We enjoy joking and being sarcastic. But..I didn't say that. I feel horrible because she feels I was criticizing her son and she said that doesn't help his confidence. I didn't tell my boyfriend because it would really upset him. I know I shouldn't put so much into that comment, but I just feel horrible that she feels I cut him down. All I ever do is tell him how smart and clever and adorable he is. I try to give him the encouragement and confidence she never gave him.

What do I do? She told him she wants "us" to come over this weekend and have a pow-wow. He asked "about what," and she said "just, about everything." I am afraid she will just criticizes me and our relationship. But, I think I should 'suck it up' and go so I can be there for him. So, how do I make her happy? How can I make this relationship with her better?

What can I do? (Sorry so long)

Avatar for happychick01
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 1:24pm











First of all there is nothing really more u can do the mom is a B***** that has some serious issues!!! that have nothing to do with you she needs some help and as for the pow wow let her have her say but you need to stick up for yourself and for this realtionship if you 2 were joking let it be clear that you were just joking and you respect her and you love her son very much and respect the realtionship but she needs to show you some respect and you need to tell her to get a life LOL lots of luck to you HUGS

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 3:47pm
You have no hope and no options.

If his priority is to cater to his parents, and seek to please them....you're an eexpendable commidity unless you assist in his efforts, while receiving little to no benefits of a substantial nature emotionally int his relationship.

he doesn't like himself...he's decided he won't be "a success" until they tell him that he is....everything he does is pursuing thier approval and acceptance...and when nothing get him that - he just "starts over".

A friend of mine has an excellent analogy....if you're half a person in a relationship (if you only like yourself when other people accept, approval, applaud, admire, and affirm your worth in general) - you're going to attract half a person as a mate. Because you'll both be seeking approval and acceptance - and in seeking it you'll find one another, and get that approval and acceptance initially. It's a contingent acceptance.....based on how you "make them feel" in relation to life and how they're responded to in general, particularly by the people who's respect and acceptance they most seek and desire (often unrealistically and self-destructively).

So, if both of you are "half people" - together you make a whole. And provided that you unite in approach, goals, methods, and values - you two will probably survive as a couple. Because nobody will be as important to you - as the approval and acceptance of the other person. So you'll always being try to please or cater to them - to get that approval. It'll make for a very small world existence -but it'll survive.

If both of you are complete, secure, self-aware, self-accepting, and self-responsible people who are independent, successful, secure, and happy by your own definitions, efforts, means, and standards - you're not seeking completion in a partnership. YOu're seeking alliance. You want someone just as complete and secure and whole as you - so that as a force you can conquer the world and its obstacles and rise to the pinnacle of success as individuals - and find yourselves both standing on the mountaintop because you both desire that level of success and have worked together to achieve it.

Not clung together at the bottom of the mountain, unwilling to climb without a guarantee of success, which the person you're with can't provide because they're not really of assistance to you except in terms of "you're so great, wonderful, smart, and witty - that nobody else appreciates you is their loss".

In short "half people' are emotionally immature and irresponsible and lack personal definition, awareness and acceptance....complete people do not.

You're a half...he's a half. Together you're both trying to overcome the obstacles and obstructions that you both believe as "half people" keep you from being successful, secure, and happy...and together you find security and comfort in having osmeone that thinks you're great in one another - despite all the evidence that says on a realistic and practical level you both lack success, and on a personal level you both lack self-acceptance.

If you were a whole...he wouldn't appeal to you as he's a "half". And if he were a whole - you wouldn't appeal to himi because you're a "half". And together you cling to confront the enemy that stands between him and success - his mother - and she gets her "feel goods" by putting him down, your relationship down, you down, and everything and everybody down....she's looking to look down on people because she wishes she was complete and successfully standing on top of a mountain and since sh'es standing at the foot of one, the only way to look down on others and feel good about herself, is to squash flat whoever is in her vicinity so that they're at her feet rather than looking her in the eye.

The problem is NOT HER...it is him, it is you....and the solution will not be found in placating or blaming or trying to change her. It'll be in each of you becoming complete and secure individuals with self-acceptance and self-responsibility - so that she'll be seen as the non-issue that she is in terms of her "refusal to accept and approve of you, of him of the relationship in general."

That's a nothing thing - her approval is only relevant becuase it's of paramount importance to his "definition of self-success".

Erin

quickblade14@@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 4:21pm
I know this is an uncomfortable situation for you. But there isn't anything you can do to "make" your boyfriend's mother happy. The best you can do is continue to be polite, respectful and as pleasant as possible to her. But that doesn't mean you should apologize for things that you didn't do wrong. Don't allow your boyfriend's mother (or anyone) to bully you. You will not win her respect that way, but more importantly, you do yourself a big disservice.

In terms of the pow-wow, I would go and hear her out. Just be prepared to stay cool and keep your emotions IN CHECK. Remember that your boyfriend can speak for himself. Respond only as necessary. If she starts criticizing you, you CAN speak for yourself and stand up for yourself too. But since this is his mother, I believe it is also on your boyfriend to defend YOU and your relationship, if his mother says anything unfair or untrue.

I assume that you are both adults and not teenagers. I know you would like his mother's approval, and that might come, in time. In the meantime, your boyfriend must choose to be a man who is PROUD to have your love and support, despite what anybody thinks. If you are sure you are doing what's right for each other, then you know his mother is WRONG. Her prejudice is HER problem.

Keep your chin up and maintain a positive attitude, no matter what. Good luck with the pow-wow. Let us know what happened...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 5:27pm

Hi


I'm afraid you can't win if you try to talk to her.

,