help breaking up with neighbor
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| Sat, 09-17-2005 - 8:02pm |
Hello,
I didnt know if this was necessarily the appropriate forum but I am desperate at this point. I am a single mom of 2. I have been divorced from my abusive ex for 3 yrs now. I moved 3 times before finally settling where I am right now. I avoided getting involved with my neighbor since he well.....is my neighbor but with his strong come ons and constant attention, I gave in.
Well after much heartache and being on an emotional roller coaster with him after 8 mths, it is clear he is verbally and emotionally abusive. I ask to communicate and he will not, doesnt think anything is wrong but me and I get upset...I go home (literally right next door). We have been playing house for 8 mths. sharing dinners, shopping, movie time with the kids etc...I sleep there most nights of the week....we are a full blown relationship here.
For many reasons which I have confirmed are legitimate ones, can see that we are not right together. Everytime I try to talk calmy about parting, he gets angry, puts me down or yells at me to get out. I do, i then tell myself every time that THIS IS IT and try to avoid him. But he will call, show up at my door and whoo me back into the relationship within a day or 2. He used to profusely apologize but with the months of wearing down my self respect...he doesnt even do that anymore, he just trys to pretend nothing happened and start acting loving. I feel like a failure because I know I am in a bad situation and cant find the strenghth to let go completely....i hold hope which I am trying to kill.
So there are options to this problem.....I can move, but this I have been told is running away from the real problem which lies within myself. Besides the fact that I do not have alot of money to move again and I have already uprooted the kids 3 times within the last 3 yrs for reasons beyond my control. But if I dont.....do you think its realistic to get over someone you are terribly attracted too, that has a history of using women and manipulating them (I am not the only one), and that I will see bringing home new so called "women friends" sometime very soon. He doesnt like to be alone and before he and I got together....he had varios women company over at least once a week...I just dont know if I could bear it.,...could I...could any of you? Isnt that torture??? I can hear him walk up his stairs, I will see him in the hall every day and see his car in the driveway....that makes it so hard to not think about him...do you all think its ridiculous to even try? What should I do?
Any advice is much appreciated.

I am really sorry about your situation. It must be terrible going through so much heartache from this man. But you HAVE to stand up for yourself. And that means, NOT giving in, regardless of his attempts to make nice. Be firm, be polite, and stay put. You can do that. The situation can escalate to ugly levels if both get mad. Stop going to his place, to begin with. Get your stuff out of his place. If he gets angry, tell him you are ready to talk only when he calms down and has a cool head. When you both talk next, tell him the reasons you cannot be with him, and STICK to that decision, despite ANY amount of attraction you might feel for this person. You KNOW it now that he is NOT the right man for you. So it makes absolutely no sense to fall weak on that front. Be strong. It takes a long, long time, for even "willing" people to make changes in their personalities. Even if he says he is willing to make changes, it is not worth it. I sincerely feel, you have made the Perfect choice to get out of this relationship. Make sure you do communicate with him when he is calmer, and get your point across to him even if it means having to repeat the same thing a lot of times. If he asks "Are you sure", do not say "I think I am". Say--"Yes, I am very sure". Be firm in your decision. So he knows you mean it. Follow it up with actions. If he sees you being inconsistent, he gets even more leverage to act the way he does. And once you have communicated your intention to him, and you move, it does not mean you are running away. It means you have faced what you had to, and now you are taking your next step.
Can moving within the same city, but away from his place, a choice? I am feeling a bit uncomfortable about you being close to this person who is abusive. It might be dangerous for you and your children. And then, yes, having to look at his comings and goings will not do good, but you have to develop a tough interior. Once you know he does not deserve you, it becomes easier to let a person go. I hope that he is not someone who can get physically violent. Please look out for your safety. All the VERY best to you and your kids.
Hello,
thank you so much for your post. You were very thoughtful in what you wrote and I appreciate it. I actually do beleive he is serious about breaking up since we havent spoken for 2 days now. I think he knows also that our relationship was verbally and emotionally abusive and just becomming more unhealthy by the days. I think he remembers having these kinds of problems with others and knows deep down inside that its not only me but will never give me the grattitude of just saying so. So i guess I need to leave with out my dignity since it ended so bad...but hey it ended.
I for sure am dreading seeing him or wondering who is over his house and the commings and goings....I just hate this feeling and wish there was a way to get through it quicker.
I will think more seriously about moving and appreciated what you said about moving as just taking care of my business...to break it off itself is the decision....Its just moving is so tiring and hard and I really love my place. I am planning to stay in the area for school and friends. I will try to find something at least out of this area tho as to not run into him.
Thanks again
Stick to your guns on this one.
Do you want your children to grow up and think that the relationship you had with this man is ok, that it's *normal* to be put down and verbally abused? If anything, THAT should be the incentive to stop this cycle from re-occuring.
You told him no, so mean it.
Alison
I have found verbal and emotional abuse to be a gray area. What I mean is, two people can say the exact same thing, but if it's "warranted" it's o.k. However, when it's not deserved in societies opinion, it's abuse. Of course, it's not as cut and dried as all this but I get the feeling from your post that you're reactive, perhaps not as clear-headed at the moment as you'd like to be. Who can blame you? You're trying to make a big decision.
My advice would be to take a breather. Try not to have any contact with him for at least a few weeks until you can begin to view the situation objectively. It's easy to point to something someone did and call it abuse, and sometimes it is, but even "nice" people say things that aren't so nice. I feel from your post that you're ambivalent and that your feelings about what happened may change. At this point, I wouldn't decide anything unequivocably. If you can break-up amicably, call a time-out or whatever, that's what I'd advise. It will be easier on him, also. People who act badly fear rejection, generally; it's kind of like the old adage, I love you, I just hate the things you do. Sometimes people need to feel that's true. Of course, only you can decide whether this is a healthy situation for you or not and you and your children's safety is paramount. However, I've found breaking-up relatively easy when I'm really sure the situation is wrong. It sounds like you still have feelings. That's understandable also but I would still give myself time. No law says you have to decide right now. IMO, however, physical abuse always crosses the line.
Anyway, it's just some food for thought. Ultimately, you're going to have to live with your decisions. Best Wishes!