Help - confused
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 05-03-2007 - 4:17am |
after a long self imposed "no guys" hiatus, i recently started dating again. i'm indian, and i only go out with European guys who either visit here or live/study here. anyways, was out with this 28 year old Danish guy. we'd corresponded over email just 4 days prior to meeting, but it was just the best correspondence ever. hes studying experimental film making/direction, so was naturally very colorful and elaborate in his mails to me, some of them raking up 3 pages at a time. Loved his musings on every little thing....Anyways, he told since i am the Bombay native, that i should decide what to do on the date. we went to a pub, had a couple of beers, and then went to this isolated garden where there was noone around, and just talked and talked and talked. i had earlier planned on going home by 9 pm... but was happily gazing at the stars and chatting with him till 1 am. never has a date lasted taht long. and also never has a date been without any kissing etc.
He'd told me that he had broken up with his swedish gf, and hence had come to india for a change of scenery, so to speak. that was in august last year. we met three weeks ago. when we finally got up to go to our respective houses, he gave me a peck on the cheek. we stayed in touch by phone for the next three days. he said he had a wonderful time too.
But then after a few days, he said his feelings for his gf are still there, that he thought he was over her, but apparently not, that it wouldnt be fair to me to be with a guy who is thinking of someone else....
am i crazy to actually believe this? whats a guy's opinion of this?
More importantly, what i am confused about is - when i have done everything right (i.e. not having sex too soon, stroking his ego etc), then how come i still dont get good results when it comes to dating. also, i was very depressed after this for a couple of days. But then i realized i wasnt upset that things as they were with this guy didnt work out. i was more upset that what could have been with this guy (marriage possibly?) will now not materialize. i was greiving the death of the dream, so to speak. how does one avoid that, and take things only for what they really are...?
Currently i am seeing a (sorry to say, married with kids) italian guy who lives in bombay. i am 26, he is 45. the danish guy above -at 28 - was the youngest guy i ever been with. when this italian guy told me he was married, i almost laughed thinking it was a nice joke, but he was serious. and though i had prmoised myself i wouldnt go out with married men, i suddenly changed my point of view - it wasnt for marriage etc anymore. i was date raped 7 years ago, and since that time i have been avoiding sex to the point where i am actually scared of it. so i thought this would be a great way to correct that situation - to replace that fear with a more positve thing. i told the guy all this and he was more than willing to help work at this. now i no longer fear sex, and we meet up everyday after work and weekends for sex and then just lounge around his room all day. i dont worry about this guy not calling me - i'm secure enuf in this 'relationship' - something i have never felt before ever.
Am i taking a step backwards by doing this? anyone care to comment?

Pages
Are you taking a step back? Without any doubt, yes. Being with a married man is not a positive step in the right direction, it's adding more deception and confusion to your life.
I'm so sorry you were date raped, I totally understand where you're coming from. Have you ever received counseling for it? I honestly do not believe that you'll be able to find a healthy relationship without working out your issues from the past.
I'm sad to say that the person you're really deceiving is
Well, I have not been in your shoes entirely, so I can't relate to alot of what you are experiencing emotionally.
As far as being physically raped, I cannot relate to that, but it seems to make sense that you would be scared to get physical with someone too soon. As far as dating the married guy, you are just needing affection and love and dont' really care where it is coming from right now. But, it can, over time condition you to accept less from people overall than you deserve. Eventually you will tire of him.
As far as a dream dying, well, that we can all relate to that one. To have your dream reactivated after one date, says that this was one helluva guy. It is nice that he didnt make any moves on you because he wasn't over her yet. Funny, it can happen that way. You date the guy and it tells him that he needs to give his relationship another shot. You are thinking, "oh great, am I that big of a loser that one date with me tells him to go back to her?" No, that is not true. Who knows why? Usually it is games (so maybe he's NOT so great miz_zenobia..hehehe). I've been there and then the guy comes back to me and then I tell him that I am no longer interested in him.
"More importantly, what i am confused about is - when i have done everything right (i.e. not having sex too soon, stroking his ego etc), then how come i still dont get good results when it comes to dating." - don't beat yourself up over this one..just use this date to your advantage. By this I mean, remember the date when you go out with others - as a comparison. Remember the date- remember how good you felt and remember that it made your heart sing again.
thanks so much Snafu for your insights.
Regarding the married guy - you know, immediately after the date rape i went out with a series of much older and mostly married guys in an attempt to "normalize" sex again. Thankfully was too scared to have sex with any of them. since then, just stopped being with men entrirely, using excuses like too much work or whatever. Then last year we had a Belgian guy work in our company, and he became my best friend. he was already engaged and even though i made moves on him and was more than wiling to go to bed with him he didnt want it - which was kind of a relief, an epiphany that there can be guys who are loyal and all as well...so even though i had the most wonderful time with him as a freind, i also spent a lot of time last year crying - because the presence of a white guy close to me reminded me of the daterape. and finally had to deal with it and now i am ok talking about it, have told most ppl around me, but never my parents. since then i have forced myself to go out with guys (i even forgot what its like after so many years).
what i am trying to say is, i used to think "how can these rape and violence victims stay quiet and not do something?".. but when you are in those shoes, suddenly you can think of a million reasons to keep it hushhush. ditto for going out with a married guy. right now, my main reason is to just have a healthy relationship with SEX. i know there isnt a future with the GUY. as opposed to being called 'cold' by some of the previous guys, this guy calls me 'one of the horniest little girls' which is refreshingly nice.
Assuming in a few days i have a normal relationship about sex, whats the big deal if i still just wanna meet up with this guy for sex? what about women's liberation, free sex etc etc?
Wow! You're "living a dream" alright. You're sleeping with a married man who has kids and feel secure in this relationship. I wonder where the "dreams" of marrying this guy who you dated one time went?
IMHO, your priorities are all screwed up. First you see a guy who is single, but emotionally unavailable and you werr already thinking in marrying him. Now you see a married man with kids. You were date raped and were afraid of sex, I'm sorry this happened to you, but getting involded in a FWB deal is not the answer. Maybe for now that you're young you can handle this type of deals and fool yourself in "feeing secure". But what would happen if the married guy decides to up leave the country? He's married and will leave with his family. He'll just say "I enjoyed the time we had together and good luck to you". How secure would you feel then? You do know that the guy is in for the sex, right? You meet, have sex and hang in his room and that's the extent of the meetings.
I'd re-think your "feelings of safety" in the current relationship. Sex is not all in a relationship and sex won't warrant a relationship, a serious one that is. Your current FWD is just that, sex and friendship. There is no marrying or dating, or seriousness in it. In addition, if you want a serious relationship, then you need to attract the right people; people without baggage and emotionally available. You seem to have a very low self esteem and have jumped into sex as a cure for your issues of being date raped. Did you go to counseling to address those issues? Beloieve or not, you have issues with this matter. Once you're worked your issues and have become healthy, you will attract healthy people with whom you'll be able to share yourself in the way you want. You'll be able to conquer your dreams of marrying one day.
hi,
have answered some of your questions at 31350.4. No havent sought councelling. Though have talked it out on online forums, help groups etc.
I know its sex only in this thing with the married guy. But then thats all i am expecting from it. Just go out, have fun, re-familiarize myself with men, sex etc. The first time we met, i didnt know he weas married or not. at that point, yes, i was looking for a "normal relationship" with what i presumed to be a single guy. But as soon as i knew he was married, the motive changed. I know he isnt gonna leave his family for me. Actually, even if he did, i wouldnt want to marry him - simply because its a rebound, and those things never last, plus i know if he is cheating now, what would stop him in future....
about my self esteem... every time i am alone/single with no guys at all, i feel great. whenever there is a guy and he leaves/doesnt respond etc, then its back in the gutters for me. not becoz the guy itself was so great and the loss is too great...it just feels like one more piece of wood in the fire called 'rejection'. But honestly, rite now, i dont think i have low self esteem...
you know what guys, i wasnt feeling low self esteem when i started this thread, but all your comments are sure making me feel that way now. i know, if i didnt want to know you people's true opinions, i shouldnt have put out that post. i guess, i was hoping someone would say 'you're doing the right thing' or 'its not so bad' etc.
answer me this someone - Is it wrong to meet someone just for sex/fun..knowing it wont go anywhere else?
If you don't mind me asking, how do older and married men help you normalize sex again or help you develop a better relationship with sex? I don't get the connection.
I haven't dated in over 6 years but it is because I am the victim of a different type of crime. I got ambushed by a bunch of people I knew (friends, coworkers and doctors whose offices I used to deliver medication samples - I used to be a pharmaceutical sales rep). These doctors became obsessed with me kind of in Davinci Code kind of way, like if they possess me, then somehow I will bring them fame and fortune. I plan on bringing them fame - in prison, yet I will take their fortunes. Such is life for them.
But I know what you mean about being away from dating for so long you forget what is used to be like. I plan on dating one day again. It would be nice to fall in love again one more time. I dont' fall in love easily so when I say that it means something special to me. Some women fallin love everytime they go on a date with another guy. Hopefully dating is like getting back on a bicycle and I haven't forgotten anything.
I understand your statement about walking in someone else's shoes and realizing why sometimes people handle situations in a way that you feel you wouldnt, only to find out that there are some valid reasons for their actions.
There is nothing wrong with casual sex as long as you practice is safely and you make the decision to have sex with them because that is what you want, not necessarily what you think is needed to have them like you or date you. Just be careful for your emotions. Guys tend to do casual sex better than women - and walk away with minimal emotional turbulence. Sometimes women delude themselves into thinking that all they want from a particular guy is to bed them down, only to find out later that they were not connected to their emotions during the affair and what they really wanted was some kind of relationship, not just sex, from the guy.
<<<....whenever there is a guy and he leaves/doesnt respond etc, then its back in the gutters for me. not becoz the guy itself was so great and the loss is too great...it just feels like one more piece of wood in the fire called 'rejection'.But honestly, rite now, i dont think i have low self esteem...>>>
This rejection piece that you talk about, that makes you get into the kind of relationships you get into, is called settling for less. You're willing to take what you can get and give up in looking for what you really want..a serious relationship.
The vast majority of people who get into relationships that go nowhere, with married, separated, involved, emotionally unavailable men or women, do it as a way to escape reality and they fool themselves that "this is what I want, I'll change, etc". Perhaps, they have a fear of committment and prefer this type of deals, they're sex and love addiction or they have low self esteem. They think that they don't think they can get any better so they're willing to settle for less for the sake of having a man or a woman.
Good luck to you.
<<<>>
There is nothing wrong with having a FWB deal as long as both parties know that there are no strings attached. If it goes nowhere, it goes nowhere as there are no expectations. The parties live in the moment and there is no "future together". The minute one of the parties finds someone, that minute the FWB may end or it may continue. It depends on the party's character and standards in life.
In your reply to my message you stated that <<>>> I did mentioned that youmay have low self esteem based on this statement. You're letting rejection get you down and define who you are, and changing the direction of your goal, which initially was "a serious relationship". The guy who wasn't over his Ex, whom you thought about in our mind you'd never marry, etc.
My comment was just that, a comment. You can take it or leave it. It doesn't say who you are, but gives an opinion basd on the facts you posted in your message.
Pages