help, confused on what i want

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
help, confused on what i want
4
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 12:45pm
any commnets are welcome here.

maybe its a no brainer, but i'm not sure what to do about the guy i was dating for 2 months, R- who now has changed his profile to say hes from a city 3000 miles away from where we live. and as far as i know he isn't planning to move, I just talked with him last week ...

I want to ask him about this. but we arne't exclusive and hav eboth talked (as recently as two weekends ago) that we wnat to take things slow and not complicate things by having a sexual relationship. we clicked so well (i thought) and hes told me many times how he feels. ... So i thought things were good the lsat 2 months. I wasn't worried.

Till the last 2 weeks - hes been acting distant. I figured he needed his space and hes got alot on his plate right now. I Haven't heard from him since last week (thurs). i dont plan to call or email him right now.

I dont know what to do ? ask what is going on with us. but I am not sure what i want.Should ijus tignore any future calls from the guy and move on w/o an answer. Or just let him know, I'm not interested the next time we talk. Or just go w/ the flow. as of now, I'm not sure i can really go with the flow anymore...

I'm really confused.

Anyu advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 5:06pm
I found your post confusing so let me just see if I have this right. You've been dating R for 2 months and are not exclusive. His profile reflects false information and he doesn't want to become intimate with you. He has become distant and is not consistent in his contact with you. Is that all correct?

If you're looking for a serious, exclusive relationship with an honest, mature man, I would forget about R. Oftentimes we don't get answers to *why* someone behaves as they do. We can never get inside someone else's head. But, from his behavior after 2 months of dating you, it doesn't appear that he's pursuing anything serious or exclusive with you. So if that's what you're ultimately looking for, IMO he's not the guy for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 11:06pm
join me in my confusion. :)

evreything was going good till sunday night when i found his ad had changed ot saying he lived in a city 3000 miles away from where he resides. he doesnt plan to move that i know of.



he was consistent with me. action wise, words wise over the last 2 months. honestly nothing to complain about except a small annoyance i had with his cheapness. he was interested and believe he is still as he called me last thursday. he went away this past w/e so i didnt see him. but he had asked me to go w/ him, i didnt want to beacuse i had stuff going on.

he started acting distant 1 1/2 weeks ago. which is fine - hes got a lot on his plate that came up over the last week or so.

thing swere good. we had all the normal dating talks (ex, sex, what we wanted, etc). i was going w/ the flow because it felt natural. we were on the same level. i wasn't wanting exclusiveness as i wasn't really ready to ask for it and still am not...and figured it would fall into place either way.

but i found the ad and that changed things for me.

i have yet to chat with him, but i will wait to see what he says when i do. from there, i can see what i want to do which is most likely not seeing him anymore.

thanks for the clarity.

SurferGirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 11:36am

Hmm...you didn't answer zurah's question: what do you ULTIMATELY want? As you said, "it will fall into place or not"...which implies you eventually do want an exclusive r/ship. And thats why the ad bothers you - b/c now you see that he is an imposter or liar of some sorts. Ultimately who wants that? The only reasons you can come up with for why he would have done this is b/c he is looking for a fling/one night stand type rendezvous with other women in the area...right? That makes you feel uncomfortable. If you aren't exclusive, are you dating other men? Are you looking for what you want? No wonder you are confused...you can't get what you want if you don't know what it is...


Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 1:02pm
no i didnt want an exclusive rs before finding this fact out. i thought it could be heading that direction since we were clicking very weel and things felt very natural. but i didnt know him well enough to make that decision. we wrent at that level yet. i was heading there though and why yes that deceptive ad of his shocked me. honeslty *I* still wasn't sure what i wanted prior to finding the ad. I was just going w/ the flow.

Exclusiveness isn't important to me as it is to get to know a person well - i believe it'll eventually happen if its meant to, if not then it'll fade away (what i meant it'll fall into place)

but thinking about things.

no, i dont want to pursue any sort of dating rs with him anymore. its obvious what he was portraying was a lie in some sorts. i dont accept that character flaw in my life.

yes talking to 2 other guys.

finally made my choice to cut ties with him.

thanks for the assistance though.

-Surfergirl