Help - confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
Help - confused
26
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 4:17am

after a long self imposed "no guys" hiatus, i recently started dating again. i'm indian, and i only go out with European guys who either visit here or live/study here. anyways, was out with this 28 year old Danish guy. we'd corresponded over email just 4 days prior to meeting, but it was just the best correspondence ever. hes studying experimental film making/direction, so was naturally very colorful and elaborate in his mails to me, some of them raking up 3 pages at a time. Loved his musings on every little thing....Anyways, he told since i am the Bombay native, that i should decide what to do on the date. we went to a pub, had a couple of beers, and then went to this isolated garden where there was noone around, and just talked and talked and talked. i had earlier planned on going home by 9 pm... but was happily gazing at the stars and chatting with him till 1 am. never has a date lasted taht long. and also never has a date been without any kissing etc.
He'd told me that he had broken up with his swedish gf, and hence had come to india for a change of scenery, so to speak. that was in august last year. we met three weeks ago. when we finally got up to go to our respective houses, he gave me a peck on the cheek. we stayed in touch by phone for the next three days. he said he had a wonderful time too.
But then after a few days, he said his feelings for his gf are still there, that he thought he was over her, but apparently not, that it wouldnt be fair to me to be with a guy who is thinking of someone else....
am i crazy to actually believe this? whats a guy's opinion of this?
More importantly, what i am confused about is - when i have done everything right (i.e. not having sex too soon, stroking his ego etc), then how come i still dont get good results when it comes to dating. also, i was very depressed after this for a couple of days. But then i realized i wasnt upset that things as they were with this guy didnt work out. i was more upset that what could have been with this guy (marriage possibly?) will now not materialize. i was greiving the death of the dream, so to speak. how does one avoid that, and take things only for what they really are...?

Currently i am seeing a (sorry to say, married with kids) italian guy who lives in bombay. i am 26, he is 45. the danish guy above -at 28 - was the youngest guy i ever been with. when this italian guy told me he was married, i almost laughed thinking it was a nice joke, but he was serious. and though i had prmoised myself i wouldnt go out with married men, i suddenly changed my point of view - it wasnt for marriage etc anymore. i was date raped 7 years ago, and since that time i have been avoiding sex to the point where i am actually scared of it. so i thought this would be a great way to correct that situation - to replace that fear with a more positve thing. i told the guy all this and he was more than willing to help work at this. now i no longer fear sex, and we meet up everyday after work and weekends for sex and then just lounge around his room all day. i dont worry about this guy not calling me - i'm secure enuf in this 'relationship' - something i have never felt before ever.

Am i taking a step backwards by doing this? anyone care to comment?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 1:10am
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I agree with you here. but that makes sense only when you do have some experience....then having more of it doesnt really make a difference. i on the other hand have none. from being traumatized about sex, i am finally becoming 'neutral' or even in the 'sex is good' category. i dont think that applies to me, since i dont have any experience here,.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 10:27am

I don't take offense to pictures affecting you more than any of our words here on the board, because, it is likely that you are not receptive right now - possibly....never. Sometimes people eventually ponder statements made to them from even many years ago. Right now you are looking for validation for your actions and you are not going to receive validation for your actions here. Your emotions are validated and are very real. If you get more out of reading your own posts, then maybe keeping a diary is better for you than posting on a board where people do not share your values.

"How many of you women who have had affairs relate to this? isnt it simpler when it is just "some woman"? " - - - I am sure there are many people out there than can relate to this -- maybe there is a board at ivillage that could be more supportive, maybe a board with people who have been in your situation and are not looking for love, just a convenience but will be with a guy who has a family.

"the second thing i picked up from rereading my own posts was, i still am afraid to make my own decisions and act like an adult. thats been the story of my life actually. the major i chose in college, the IT degree that i goit....all of it, though not forced by my father, was all done in accordance to his wishes....to keep him happy." ---- That is very common in your 20's.

"issues with daddy", "You know, i have been through this so many times before...i now know WHY i am doing the things i do, but cant seem to get things in order.", --- try therapy.

"One question i alsways ask on dates is "do you have everything 'figured out' in life?"" === unrealistic expectations.

"and please dont tell me 'you'll find another great guy like that danish guy soon"... WHEN? " -- okay I wont' tell you that. None of us knows what will happen to us or when we will meet the right person for us. Until then, you need to creat a life of your own. You'll have to plant your own flowers for now until the time someone brings you flowers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 10:31am
I understand your point of view. Sex should be a good thing for everyone, men and women. In the post above I mentioned therapy. Since you have been traumatized by rape and have dysfunctions about it and your dad, you might benefit from therapy or a support group for women who have been raped. Maybe there is something in the phone book where you live that lists public services like that. If you could get some help by trained people in counseling for rape and meet other women like yourself who are dealing with the effects of mental abuse and rape, then maybe youcan feel a sense of community and be provided with tools and skills to start life anew.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 11:27pm

hi,
thanks. So many ppl have been telling me to go to therapy, so was looking up names of shrinks online. and further proof that i am a little coo-coo up there - i was searching for the right doctor based on his name (not qualification, rate, location) :)
anyways, what i want to know is: whats the difference between a counsellor, therapist and psychiatrist? and which one should i see?

anyways, have put that on hold for now. currently am obsessed with going to Goa - either alone or with some stranger on a motorcyle. wanna shave off my head and get a B!tch tattoo on my scull, kinda like Jamie foxx :)

Actually had a big talk with one of the married senior guys here at work today. the reason i chose this guy was i know he is having an affair, and i know he doesnt mind it. so we had a big talk about it. he said dont let other women bully you into thinking it is wrong or whatever. --As long as it is what YOU want too. If you wanted a real relationship but are now settling for a casual affair just because the guy isnt willing to offer you any more, then yuo should reconsider. Or change your mindset about it, so you dont feel guilty about it.

He said take some days off work and just think about it, life, everything. solitude will give you clarity as to what i really want and what i should do about my current situation. he also said that i dont seem myself (i.e. my usual self- happy, perky bubbly) since the past several months now. i told him everything about myself - the rape, the affair, the toxic relationships, or relationships that failed to go anywhere.... That he read my blog and came to the conclusion that i am too indecisive and change my mind very frequently. and was also shocked to learn that there are several nasty rumors about me going on in the company i work...That i have some mental block that is preventing me from taking decisions, and going after things i really want. he said dont meet this guy for a month...see what his reaction is, what he does..does he even care, or even call... That way i will know if he even cares about me. I think i will give that a shot..maybe not a month...but will try.

The italian guy sent me a mail, messaged me, and called three times. i didnt respond (didnt cut him off, just let him think i am busy or whatever). so far i am still undecided. But would be nice to see his reaction if i still dont respond in a couple of days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 9:21am
Of course he's going to justify it! Would a serial killer say they're guilty or wrong? No. There's an honest reason why they're doing what they're doing... hon, until you stop justifying your actions and finding reasons why they're right you will not be released from all the pain and anguish you're going through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 10:04am

You mentioned in one of your posts that ultimately you really do want a relationship, but later you go on to ask about continuing to be with an unavailable man for fun and experience. It reminded me of an analogy made by one of my favorite authors Marianne Williamson. She likens this to being a train station and waiting on the train that is going to your destination. Rather than being patient and waiting on your train, you are jumping on the train that you know is not going to get you to your destination (ie the unavailable man) just because the ride might be fun. The problem is that when you do this you can not catch the train that is going to your destination (ie the man who will want a relationship with you) because you are riding the wrong one. She has a saying "If the train doesn't stop at your station it is not your train." Having fun in the moment may cause you to miss out on a great guy that is trying to get to you but can't because you are otherwise occupied. Just a thought.

Good luck,
YG

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