help dating a widower...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2006
help dating a widower...
1
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 3:53pm
I have met a wonderful man that I started to date recently. He was recently widowed (July) as his wife died from a 4year battle with cancer. We have had a few wonderful dates, are comforatble together. I know it has been hard for him over the holidays. We talked about sex and the nite we introduced it to the relationship, it was wonderful. The next day he retreated and wonders if he is ready. He wants to end contact for a week and see how he is feeling. I know he cares about me and does not want to hurt me. It is hard to know what to do....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2005
Mon, 01-02-2006 - 4:13pm

Seems simple to me.

The man is in transition. He never "expected" this to be his reality. What he worked for, sacrificed, and purused WITH his wife - is not the future that is possible to have.

He doesn't know what he believes about life in general, self specifically, and he's not yet sorted thru the details of transition - to know the options of his future.

You're attempting to have a relationship with someone in transition, in flux. He simply does not know and has no way to know at this time "what he wants"....other than in the present moment.

He's obviously very uncomfortable with taking actions that according to your definition as you've made known to him "have significance attached" - that cause you to have expectations regarding more than the moment.

He's now wanting to step back and see what HE wants and how HE feels and waht he thinks - as a result of this "new situation" - having slept with somoene not his wife, after just losing his wife.

Realize that sexual interlude while it might have been physically pleasurable, likely caused him emotional grief. At every level there is "loss" and grieving loss is required - in order to not to have it hold you captive in a cell of pain.

While it was wonderful, pleasurable, exciting, and desired....it was also a saddening and sorrowful experience. You aren't his wife - the woman he took vows with, the woman he made sacrifices with, the woman he spent years with, the woman he expected to grow old with.

So what you're going to have to do as you pursue this - is STOP HAVING EXPECTATIONS REGARDING A FUTURE. The man is in transition. He's sorting thru the details, the feelings, the thoughts, the beliefs, and coming up with a new plan.

he's capable of dating - enjoying what is for what it is - and that is all dating is - it has NOTHING to do with a future.

And in a year or two, when he's figured out being widowed isn't the end of the world, that life does go on, that his feelings aren't dictating his actions so much as his new goals and self-definition and requirement are dictating his actions - he MIGHT then be in a positiont o choose a partner based on respect and admiration of her character, her values, her goals in life - but not until.

Stop "expecting" anything of this man except to be who he is. A man partially lost, totally in transition and flux, a man in limbo between two worlds. HE was making a future...that has been short circuited. And he lost alot of his "past" as a result of that loss of the future he had planned.

Life will be no less fulfilling and great for him - if he requires himself to have a fulfilling and enjoyable great life. But he's going to have to redefine it - not just plug you in her role and move on from there with his original set of needs, expectations and plans with you having her face in his mind - whenever he holds your hand.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com