HELP!!!! a guy with a rule
Find a Conversation
HELP!!!! a guy with a rule
| Tue, 10-24-2006 - 11:33pm |
So i met this guy back in ending of february.. We been on and off talking never really moved to dating.. So he has a rule.. before it becomes and offical relationship in his mind he needs to sleep with them...He knows I am a virgin and that Ineed some commitment before that happens.. So its been 9 months I have known him and still havent given it up and he is still around..He told me that he thinks we can make it work and he is willing to take it slow.. I am so confused I mean I like him a lot but I cant tell if he is only after me for sex.. How do I tell??? Anyone have any kind of advice and if he is only after sex do u think he would still be around after 9 mos....I have thought about sleeping with him but when the issue comes up I get way too nervous because I dont know what to do..and dont want him to not enjoy it..I am just afraid I will be bad at it and he wont like that...

Pages
First of all - - - it's unlikely you'd be bad at it :-)
But I'm confused - you say you've never really progressed to dating . . . at all?? I'm assuming you spend time together etc - what do you do when together? Have you kissed etc ??? Sorry - - but when you say you're not "dating" I assume no fooling around etc but maybe I'm slightly old fashioned :-)
Do you know how he spends his time when not with you? Is he out there playing the field and if so yeah I'd worry he may just be "throwing you a bone" every now and then in hope that when you do give it up - it'll be to him.
But jeesh - if he's been hanging out 9 months . . and is not out there actively seeing other women - - I'd think pretty highly of him.
9 months is a long time.
But like I said - I'm totally confused as to what the mechanics of your relationship with him these 9 months has beeen ??
My first "boyfriend" - - - waited gosh . . . 6 or more months and I thought that was a good bit of time. He could have had me within two months but before he went to get condoms I told him "I don't take this lightly" . . . he said ok let's wait - and four more months passed until it happened.
That's a real indication to me that my feelings mattered to him. At two months he could have very well not been sure yet of how intense his feelings for me were - and had respect for that fact that as a virgin, he should "handle with care" (my feelings I mean) :-)
I agree - - I mean if it is he now saying take it slow ... then since he must be aware that for you - taking it slow is inclusive of no sex . . . then take it slow and see where things go.
How often have you discussed this "rule"? Is it somethign he continually reminds you of or was it only ever discussed/mentioned once or twice?
If he's always reminding you of it I'd not like it either --- but if it's something that was included in one of your early conversaitns with him . . and he hasn't mentioned it since - perhaps it's not really a "solid" rule ?
IMHO, his rule is so stupid that he needs to put out there so he can justify his actions. After the fact, he can tell the girls that they knew what they were getting into. The rule says that every thing is casual, including the sex because he's out there looking to try before he buys. He treats women like objects of his pleasure and not as human beings who deserve respect. This guy isn't interested in committing to a girl OR a relationship. The guy is committed to himself. That's how egocentric and self-centered he is. He's looking out for his own interest, which is to sleep with women. It doesn't matter if he likes them or not. His goal is to have sex.
The sleep first and then approve is just a way to get into a girl's pants and then pick up and leave, no questions asked.
If he's still arounf he's just waiitng for an opportunity. He knows you doubt and he knows that you can be "convinced.". He knows you're a virgin. I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
Do you want your first time to be with this guy? A guy who is only in to try? He may be one who will have sex with you and then will leave because, according to him, you don't have the experience he's looking for and such. He acts by his rule...he tries and then doesn't buy. Your feelings and persona are not taken into consideration. Sex for the first tim,e should be with someone you love and care for, that's just me though.
One thing that I'd consider is the fact that this guy may be promiscuos, as he has that rule. He may be sleeping with more women and may be a carrier of an STD or even aids. I'd be wary, ver wary.
I'd sugest to cross this man off your list of friends and acquaitances. His character and standards in life say that he can and will behave looking out for own interests only, and NOT taking into consideration the feelings and persona of the other party involved.
Don't sleep with him, with anyone un til it is something you want to do with all your heart. You'll be nervous, obviously.The first time, no time, should be out of pressure.
There's a big difference between (1) knowing a person for 9 months, during which time you sometimes go out, but you are both free to date others and (2) dating a person exclusively for 9 months.
It doesn't mean much that he's maintained some sort of contact with you over 9 months, if he is also going out with other girls and isn't committed to getting to know you.
If he still has that "rule", then he is still valuing the physical over and above anything else. If he is right for you, then you can tell him that you would like to give a relationship a try and be committed and exclusive now. Then, after your relationship has progressed, and if you feel comfortable, then perhaps you will have sex. If he isn't willing to be your exclusive boyfriend now, but he is willing to sleep with you now, you have your answer about what he's really after.
His "rule" is ridiculous. I have never been told that a guy wouldn't be by boyfriend unless we had sex first. And I have never had sex with a guy before he was my boyfriend. And I've had lots of boyfriends over the years!)
Don't have sex with him just to please him or in the hopes of keeping him in your life. There are great guys out there (who are hot too), who when they meet the right girl for them, will wait until both are comfortable. That's when it will be really good.
The fact that you're not sure says a lot and I hope you're listening to yourself.
The fact that he stuck around so long means nothing because you haven't been dating. This would be a completely different post otherwise.
Based on what he said, it sounds like he's just looking to bag a virgin. Usually I'm not so cynical but anyone who has a "rule" about having to have sex first without even starting the dating process is not someone I would trust. It sounds like he's looking for a friend with benefits but isn't mature enough to just say so.
Personally I would trust your instincts. Your first time should be special, with someone you care about and love. It should not be with someone who has a rule that works in his favor and not yours.
I hope this helps. Keep us posted...
Edited because I all of a sudden forgot how to spell! LOL
Edited 10/29/2006 2:00 pm ET by cl-bklynchik
Hi, that is my first posting. So hello to everyone. :-)
I don't agree with this completely. Well, I think that the OP is very young, because she is still a virgin. There is the possibility that the guy just moves on because he wants to have a partner he can also be sexual with, which is completely understandable. He was waiting a long time, no one does that if he is only interested in sex.
I don't know if I would want to be with a man who would not want to have sex for so long. It is ok to wait a while until you feel secure with someone, but it is an important part of the relationship.
But then again, I don't know how old she is and it makes no sense to have sex if you don't truly want it. I think, if the two of them have such different views of what they expect from eachother, they should end this.
Hope that makes sense.
Hi and welcome! I'm so glad you posted...
I hear where you're coming from but this guy hasn't done 9 months of work into a relationship... he's been a casual contact, doesn't that make a difference to you?
I think this dude has really weird rules - and since you're not even dating, having sex is not even relevant yet.
But even more important than that - you should have sex if you WANT to have sex, and are ready for it - no excuses!
Pages