Help - having SUCH a problem dating!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Help - having SUCH a problem dating!
11
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 7:55pm
Hi all.

I am in my mid 30's and have never been married. I'm attractive, have pretty good social skills, and lead a fairly interesting life. My self esteem has been in the toilet for the last year (due to past relationships) so I'm in therapy trying to get a better handle on myself.

I started internet dating recently. Many of the men who write me don't really interest me. But once I find a good one, we'll go out, and have a nice time. But it often doesn't lead to a second date, and I cannot figure out why. Now, there are men I've met who liked me, but I had to reject them (nicely, of course). But the men who I am the most interested in just don't take the bait. This has only happened with 3 guys, but the rejection is still painful. And I end up feeling like it's all my fault. Any advice on how to prevent the rejection from dragging me down would be really appreciated. I am just feeling so bad about myself - like I appear really good in an online ad, but don't quite measure up in person.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:04pm

So the men you weren't interested in were really HORRIBLE people, right????


Of course not, they just weren't right for YOU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 8:17pm
Thanks Sheri - I will definitely check out that book!

I realize that my self esteem issues are working against be, but not sure how to rectify that. Other than what I'm already doing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:32pm
Online dating is tough on the ego, and if it is getting you too down right now, you might need a break. I have gone on dozens of first dates with men who I met online, and only a small fraction of them have resulted in second dates. It is perfectly normal! It has nothing to do with you having flaws, it's just that you cannot sense chemistry over a computer or even a telephone line. It's something you can only feel in person. That's all it is. Nothing personal.

I wish you the best.


Avatar for growl1971
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 9:37am
guy's viewpoint here....

you have to realize that if you're self-esteem is low, you can project that to people you date. i'm 32, single, never married, and have dated half the world! lol. seriously though, you can tell by the way a woman speaks, and moreover, how she handles herself in a non-verbal manner if she's secure with herself or insecure.

insecurity is a major major turn-off! most men, not all, don't want an insecure women, since it seems to lead to a myriad of problems with the relationship...ie. trust issues, constant reassurances, etc, etc, etc. very unappealing to be honest.

if you're attractive, succesful, and independent...hang your head high!!!!! people are getting married later and later these days, and for good reason! you should realize by now what you're looking for and what you're not looking for.

personally, i've internet dated before, and being the purist romantic that i am, have stopped. i've run into too many women waiting to find 'mr. perfect' and drop their lives and totally consume themselves with him....very unattractive to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:14pm
Hi hon, that's kind of the nature of Internet dating. It's a great way to meet people and to have a bunch of first dates, but something like 90 percent of those dates will go NOWHERE. Some guys will reject you, and you will reject guys. I guess that's the major difference between an Internet meeting and meeting someone on the street, or in the "real world." In the real world, a man isn't even going to bother approaching you or asking you out unless he found you attractive and interesting when you first met. You have a better chance of at least having a second or third date. After that, all bets are off. There are NO guarantees in any dating situation.

Anyway, you are going to need a thicker skin to continue with online dating. Because EVERY BODY won't like you. Could be that you just ran into a "bad patch" of men all in a row. The next 3 guys could really like you!

But I'm not trying to convince you to keep Internet dating. I did my share of that, and I met some wonderful men. I also met some real duds. My PERSONAL opinion is that there is a disproportionate number of nerds and weirdos trying to find women to date online than off-line. I guess it has to do with supply and demand. Very desirable men don't have to post ads in my city. Women outnumber men here, something like 5 to 1.

On the other hand, there are a LOT of very beautiful, accomplished women posting ads on the Web. I peeked a while back, just to get an idea of the competition!! It's amazing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:48pm
Questions:

Why do you only deal with men online and not face to face? Are you afraid they may not like what they see in you?

Why do you reject the men who truly want to be in your space?

Are you truly desperate to be loved?

A good book to get is called "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. It has been a tremendous help to me in the past. I still refer to it from time to time for improvement.

Take care and let me know how things go!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 4:02pm

PMFJI, but you do understand that "internet dating" just means that you answer someone's ad online but then you meet in person and proceed as you would had you met anywhere else, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:44pm
No offence to what you are saying, but I tend to think men often 'anticipate' a girl will be insecure and read too much into any action she might take to indicate interest - they'll run away without giving her a chance. I think there is a bit of a fine line between insecurity and being passionate about something or someone (personally)
Avatar for macgyver17
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 10:07am
I agree with Sheri's post and think she worded it very well. When I was 26 yrs old, I decided that I needed to change my dating habits, so on a friend's whim I decided to try internet dating. Like you I am attractive, worldly, and interested in life, but instead of waiting for men to come to me I decided to try the internet.

The world of internet dating is different and you can't go into it with any preconceived notions. I would say it is even somewhat harder b/c you are first talking with the men through a computer and basically get this conversation going, but you can't see or hear them nor can you see how they handle themselves in person. By the time you do talk on the phone or meet, you already have made some expectation of this person and if it is not what you thought you are disappointed. So your reactions to them or their reactions to you should not be taken personally. You have to realize that is not your fault and actually it works out for the better b/c why be with someone you are not truly connected with?

I did the internet dating on and off and I will have to say it made me feel more confident in myself and who I was. I met about 5 guys in person and probably talked to 10 or so on the phone. While I never did make a love connection, I came out of it feeling more confident in the dating world. Men are looking for that special someone as much as we are, so when the reject you it is not b/c it is anything you did, but you are just not what they are looking for, take it as a learning date and move on.

PS: I eventually found and married my prince charming, he was right in my front yard!

















































iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 10:50pm
Thanks to all that sent such great advice! I must respond to these questions from dottie1957, though:

Questions:

Why do you only deal with men online and not face to face? Are you afraid they may not like what they see in you?

I never said that I "only" deal with men online. That's not even close to being the case.

I'm actually quite social. But I'd like to meet some people outside of my usual social circle so, like millions of single people, decided to give internet dating a shot.

It's really not that unusual.

Why do you reject the men who truly want to be in your space?

I don't know that they "truly" want to be in my space, since they don't know me.

They're guys I went out with once, ya know? We went out once, they were nice enough,

but there was just no chemistry or spark for me.

Are you truly desperate to be loved?

If I were desperate, I would have married one of my boyfriends in my 20's. I think the fact that I have chosen to remain single into my 30's, until I find someone I truly want to be with, demonstrates that I am not desperate. That being said, I would like to find a happy healthy relationship - wouldn't we all?

:)


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