Help Me Calm Down

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Help Me Calm Down
5
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 8:20pm
I'm not sure what the problem is, but I do wanna get some stuff out. A few days ago I met this guy at the rec room here at my apartment complex. We started talking, hanging out, and within 2 days became intimate. (I know, waaayy too soon) We've hung out every day since then, and he's really a very sweet guy. He lavishes attention on me when we're together, which I'm not used to after my last boyfriend. We haven't had "the talk" about where this is going, but it's obvious we're dating. He's said things like, "I'm not going anywhere," and "I'm all yours now." He calls me baby, darling, etc. He just signed a scholarship to play baseball, and I was the first person he told. When he told me the news, he gave me one of his sweatshirts with our university's logo on it.

So what's wrong? He's "flighty" I guess is the word. He'll mention something he wants to do that night, like go out, or cook for me, etc., then ends up doing something completely different, and not always with me. These plans are never firm, we never set a time or anything, he just mentions them, so it's not like he's standing me up, but I've learned to never count on something happening. He doesn't have a cell phone, so I can't ever get in contact with him to check plans. He's very laid-back, so I guess in his mind he's just "going with the flow." Me on the other hand, I'm pretty high-strung, I like routine, and this lack of any kind of routine is driving me crazy. I never know what we're doing, cause it seems like plans always change. Like this morning, I went to his apartment, and when I got there, he informed me that he's moving in with a friend of his a couple miles away. He said it was just decided the night before. That's the way he is in a nut-shell, just completely random.

I'm also having issues trusting him with my feelings, which may be why this is all making me so uncomfortable. I've only known him about a week, and I'm already afraid of him leaving me. And it's not like we're serious yet! I got out of a serious relationship that ended badly about 2 months ago, and I know I'm not completely healed from having my heart broken then. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt since I don't even know him. I don't want to dump him for something that seems kind of trivial, not this early anyway. I'm trying to learn to be more patient, tolerant, laid-back.

How can I calm down and also how can I feel more trusting and not so supicious about everything. How can I completely heal my heart from my last break-up without getting out of this relationship? Is that possible? Is this just a rebound thing for me? Am I going psycho and making way too big a deal out of this?? Somebody give me answers!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 9:50pm
YOU WROTE: "...within 2 days became intimate. (I know, waaayy too soon)."

___________________

Yes, you're right. Moving on... As for your compatibility:

HIM: "He's "flighty" I guess is the word. He'll mention something he wants to do that night, like go out, or cook for me, etc..."

And... "then ends up doing something completely different, and not always with me."

(sounds like a let-down to me).

And how about: "He doesn't have a cell phone, so I can't ever get in contact with him to check plans."

__________________________

YOU: "Me on the other hand, I'm pretty high-strung, I like routine, and this lack of any kind of routine is driving me crazy. I never know what we're doing, cause it seems like plans always change."

I think you need to change the "plans" of having this man in your life. Anything that drives you "crazy" isn't healthy. And, he doesn't have a cell phone? Hello? Number one, it sounds like he needs to be carbon dated! Is he living in the stone ages? Can ya hear me now? Number two, he's using that as a crutch to keep you hanging on, and to keep you guessing, and to keep you waiting around for YOUR phone to ring. (As if your life should revolve around him and his schedule)! If I were you, I would conveniently NOT be around when the phone rings. I'd aquire the habit of screening all my calls (it'll also help with telemarketers lol). It's time to make HIM wait "patiently," and see how he likes a dose of his OWN medicine.

__________________________

YOU ALSO WROTE: "And it's not like we're serious yet!"

______________

Well, then, calm down!! :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 1:47am
Wow...I just got out of a relationship with a guy just like yours.....we jumped into things...he didn't have a cell phone....and he would always make sketchy plans and never follow through...I was like you... I liked some structure. Well, its over now...I'm not sayin your relationship isn't going to work... but it's going to take some work it keep it together. I know I was always waiting by the phone cause if i missed his call then who knows when I would get to hear from him again. And the whole him backing out of plans...I hated that the most. I'd call him out on it, but i couldn't break him of it. He was a big stoner so most of the time I would just figure 'oh he probably smoked with the boys and forgot'. but really how much of that can you take... You really need to talk to him about all this stuff thats bothering you because if you don't its going to build up and just make you madder and madder. At the same time ask yourself..."Am I tring to change him?" If you have to try to change a guy it makes me think that you might be more attracted to the idea of having someone rather than actually having real feelings for the person..... just some stuff to think about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 2:00am
Yeah, I think that's just the way he is. I don't know if he just forgets, or he just goes with whatever comes along, or what. I know it's not anything personal, but it's hard to not think of it that way. You're right, I think I'd end up having to change him, I think it's truly who he is, not just like a phase he's going through or something. I don't know yet what to do. I know I'm not gonna make any snap decisions this early in the game though. Thanks for the advice. Keep 'em comin'!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 9:57pm
I don't know how long your last relationship was...but you really need time alone to heal. You went way to fast with this new guy and it is too soon to know if it will go anywhere anyway and with the personality issues...I would step back from this if I were you and take some time for "you" to heal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 11:18pm
Hon, this guy lavishes you with attention because he knows you'll sleep with him. You're not dating...you're having sex, sex with no strings attached. There is no "talk to talk" here, it's clear: you slept with him after 2 days and you keep on accepting this situation. He calls you baby and charms you and tells you how beautiful you are because men know that women fall for that and you did...If you want sex and hang out keep seeing him, if not stop the sex and you'll see where he goes. He might tell you he's busy and suddenly he won't be as charming as before.