HELP ME, I feel stupid around him!
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| Mon, 11-21-2005 - 10:42am |
Hello! I'm coming out of an 8 year relationship and entering the dating scene! I have met the most wonderful man, so thoughtful and caring, but I am STUPID around him! He is unbelievably romantic, caring, compassionate! He tells me all of the time how beautiful I am. The words he says to me melt my heart, but I find myself so utterly dumbfounded around him! I can email or chat online with him fine, because I'm not face-to-face with him. When he's looking into my eyes, caressing my cheek or playing with my hair and telling me how beautiful I am, and how lucky he is, I find myself cowering away, pulling away and afraid to allow myself to be happy and comfortable with him. I cannot relax around him or allow myself to say things back to him.
I was in a mentally abusive marriage for 8 years, and I was abused as a child, so for this man to walk into my life and tell me everything I have always wanted to hear, is a total shock for me! For hours, he takes the time to tell me how beautiful I am, how happy he is that I'm in his life, how much he's prayed to find someone like me, how much he cares about me and loves me. These are all words that I have longed to hear, yet when I hear them, I feel like I can't breathe, much less speak to him and tell him how I feel.
Am I stupid? Am I just destined to be with the wrong guy? I wouldn't say I'm hearing wedding bells again with the new guy, but I'm definately feeling the love! For someone to talk to me, look at me, kiss me the way that he does, it is so incredible, I cannot describe. But, how do I relax around him? When he tells me these things, I feel like I'm an idiot because I just stand there and look him in the eyes, unable to speak. How can I relax around him?
This seems so stupid to ask! I feel worse because I feel so stupid and bumbling! I just want to be able to relax around him, to trust in what he's saying and to be able to express to him exactly how I feel. Any advice?
Thanks,
Josie

Hearing those things really does feel wonderful. However, I think you're smart to hold back a bit. Especially considering you were in an abusive relationship for a very long time.
I think it's great to think about how he makes you feel, but beyond that, and much more importantly, don't let it cloud your vision of the REAL him. What is he about, besides compliments and caresses? Is he responsible? Caring? Does he hold similar beliefs to yours? What are his political views? Religious beliefs? Don't forget that it takes about a year to REALLY get to know someone.
The romance, such as it is right now, will not last forever. It, often times, fades with the infatuation and settles into something comfortable and solid. Lots of flowery words often make me leary, especially very early on. Sometimes it can even be a red flag for someone to be SO into you so early on. It points to insecurity (not ALWAYS, but it is something to keep your eye on).
My advice, enjoy it, but remember what's really important and just get to know him slowly.