Help me pick the right one

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Help me pick the right one
3
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 10:09am

Anyone would be thrilled to be in my shoes...three guys doting on me! But it's not all its cracked up to be. I'm in my mid twenties, have a house, dog, and a great job. I come from a supportive family and helpful friends, but "just take it slow and see what happens" isn't working. I want a family and kids. Here is the short version on each guy. Can you help me pick the right one?

Guy #1 - I dated him for 6 months. A few weeks ago I asked for a break to figure some things out. He's respected that, but still calls to let me know he's thinking about me, and that he is capable of change. He is in the military. He has a young daughter (who doesn't live with him, but he does spend time with her) from a one night stand with a friend in college. He parties and drinks a little more then I'd like. He's taken trips with friends and spent the night drinking and going to afterparties at strangers places. He says he's never cheated, and I do beleive him, but the whole scene bothers me. I'm not a fan of drinking. He didn't help me move because there was a big sporting event on, which drove my parents crazy. On the positive side though, we have this undeniable chemistry between us. He is charming and confident! He showers me with fun gifts. He's been a part of my life for 6 months, because we have a ton of fun together. Is he capable of making the changes I'd need him to make to have a future with him?

Guy #2 - I meet him about a month ago. We talked alot, as our friends are all friends. we went on one date, which was pretty good. He hasn't dated anyone in 10 years (he's 31), so his actions were almost too unnatural and deliberate. He was sweet and sent flowers the next day. He is a perfect gentleman, and the nicest person you will ever meet. He's asked me out more, but I've been busy studying. I don't feel any chemistry with him though, and I'm not attracted to him. Being with him though... he'd give me everything I could ever ask for and would never treat me bad.

Guy #3 -Two weeks ago at a friends wedding, I ran into her cousin, who I went to high school with too. Turns out he moved to the area I happen to live in. We've gone out a few times, and there is chemistry there. However, I know he is desperate having tried to get girls for four years and it not working out since he left college. He has faced some depression because of this and I wonder if he's into me, or the idea of me. Still, he's fun to be around, has a great job, and I'm pretty close with his family, who I adore. Having grown up together we have many shared experiences and background that makes him comfortable to be around.

I worry that I will pick the wrong one and regret it later. I'd like to think that when you meet the right person you know it... so shouldn't this be easier? My dad says date all three and see what happens. (There is too much history with guy #1 for that to work anyway). And I'm reaching a point that a decision needs to be made. Guy #2 is going to figure out I'm avioding him. But should I even be doing that? Guy #1 is going to stop fighting for us soon enough. My heart is still with him, even if my family/friends and brain say that there isn't a long term future there. Guy #3 is going to want things to be serious and for me to stop seeing other people soon. Am I ready for that?

Thanks for your advice!! It is definately needed!

Clarieann

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 11:35am

You go claireann04!! You have posed pluses and minuses per guy for us to consider - how nice.

While you love hanging out with #1 - he's not going to put you or your feelings first. Is that important to you? It would be important to me. His lifestyle would need to change and while he is saying he would change you would really need to see the changes BEFORE you commit to him - long enough to see if he can stick with it and not resent changing. I know what it is like being involved with someone like him - it can be very intoxicating, but it will be shortlived. You really need someone who can induce this feeling in you long term.

Guy #2 was finished the moment you wouldn't take a breather from studying to see him. 'Nough said?

You question Guy#3's motive for his interest in you. I can understand why you would be concerned. Has he been searching for someone to settle down with or is he desperate because he cant get a date? There's a difference and that difference would be an important factor. You mentioned that you have a chemistry with this person and he is fun to be with - so he bumps #2 out of the picture. Is he in a depression - like a clinical depression- or is has he just been sad because he cant find the right woman? Again, there is a difference - one is a chemical imbalance and one is just being blue because life gets you down for a while. Time would tell whether he was into you or the idea of you - his actions would betray him here. Some external factors are good - liking his family and he has a good job so he wont need to mooch off of you. However, this is critical..."Guy #3 is going to want things to be serious and for me to stop seeing other people soon. Am I ready for that?" --only you would know the answer to that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 12:54pm

I'm thinking the best thing would be for you to stop dating all three and be on your own for a while until you can figure out for YOURSELF what's best in your life instead of asking a bunch of strangers who you should become serious with. Seriously, the people on the boards are well-meaning, but some things have to be decided on our own.

Good luck,

~~.: Sandra :.~~

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 1:24pm

seriously, forget about the bad boy guy # 1.

guy # 2: if you can make yourself attracted to him, then keep him around.

guy #3: I say he is the best so far in my opinion. What if he is looking around for gf's since college? aren't you shopping around too? But don't get too serious just yet, you guys only meet back together for 2 wks.