Help me see what I'm not seeing

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2014
Help me see what I'm not seeing
Mon, 02-10-2014 - 8:01pm

I need help with my situation and I have no one to talk to so I’m hoping to get advice here.

I got divorced nearly 3 years ago.  My ex-wife and I have been “dating” for about 2 years now and I live with my parents and our daughter while I’m finishing school and she lives 2 hours away with a daughter of her own and roommates.  We had confirmed last year that summer 2015 we’d get married after she finished school.  She doesn’t contact me much and I usually touch based with her every week just to try and keep something going.  I asked her recently about what she was doing for Valentine’s Day and she didn’t mention anything about me or us in her plans, including wanting to do anything with me or inquiring if I wanted to something with her.  We haven’t seen each other since Christmas time and she did nothing for my birthday last fall nor got me anything for Christmas (not even a card).  I got her a non-flower Valentine last year but she said she completely forgot about the holiday and I never received anything, not even a belated card.  I’m the type of guy who likes to celebrate love and continue making a relationship stronger.  Valentine ’s Day is coming up and even though I feel and want to give something to her, but I kind of feel like I’d be wasting my money and I’m not even sure how appreciated an thought or sentiment would be.  Most days I feel like I’m single and wonder if I should give up on her and I continuing as a couple and move on with my life?

Thank you to all who take the time to read this and decide to offer any advice, suggestions, and/or help to me.

I appreciate it more than you will ever know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 02-11-2014 - 10:44am

If you didn't mention that this was your exW and you already had a child together, I would just assume that this was a woman you were only dating casually who didn't care about you that much, not someone that you planned to marry.  I know 2 hrs. difference is a lot esp. when she has a child to take care of, but you said that she doesn't contact you much and you are the one to be reaching out, she doesn't care much about special occasions, etc.--that sounds to me like someone who isn't really invested in a relationship with you and definitely not like someone who wants to marry you.  I'd think that even if it was too difficult to get together very much, that if you are at the point of talking about marriage, you'd be talking to each other every day.  When I was dating my exH, before we started living together, we both had kids (2nd marriages for us both) and because of that and because we lived about 45 mins. away, we couldn't see each other every day, but we saw each other twice during the week plus weekends and on the days we didn't see each other, we definitely talked or at least emailed every day (this was before texting).

I would also tell you to examine carefully why your marriage didn't work out before and what makes you think that it would work out this time.  Have you really worked on those issues, discussed them seriously and maybe gone to counseling together?  If not, I just think that the 2nd time is not going to work out any better.  Second marriages in general have a much higher divorce rate & I think part of that is that people never really looked at why their 1st marriage didn't work out and just keep repeating the same mistakes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Fri, 02-14-2014 - 6:13pm
She is taking you for granted.Let her go.You deserve someone who treats you with respect.The thing about her not sending you anything for your b-day...that's a slap in the face...ouch! Drop her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sun, 02-16-2014 - 12:41am

The reason that you and she divorced 3 years ago is probably an important part of this equation. I think you need to really evaluate what was right and wrong in the marriage before, and how or if the wrongs have been made right. If those things have not been addressed, on what basis do you think the marriage will work on the second try? Also, does she have a previous failed marriage (where her other child came from)? If so, why did that one fail?

From the amount of effort that she is putting into the relationship it doesn't sound like she is very much into it. Some people are just not interested in celebrating holidays, but if they know that their partner does like that holiday then its important to make an effort for the partner's sake---one of the ways that people show another that they care, and put the partner's wants before their own. And not making the effort for communication---with cell phones there's no excuse, anybody can find 5 minutes to talk while walking somewhere. Again, its about making the effort to show you care, that the other person is important to you. I was in a long distance relationship for a couple of years when my H had to stay in another city for work 3/4 of each month. We made a point to talk several times each week and keep our connection alive. We were both very busy, but 15 minutes isn't too much time out of a busy day.

Have you expressed to her that for the relationship to stay alive that you need to have more contact? Does she know that you feel single? If you have told her what you want or need and she still doesn't try to do it then that would say a lot. You two may be incompatible on several levels and loving each other may not be enough to overcome the differences.

Like another poster said, if you didn't say that you had  been married and had a child together I would think that she felt like it was just a casual relationship that didn't matter if it died off. Valentine's day is now past, but I would have said you could send her a card or not, but not to bother with a gift or flowers because it doesn't sound like she would appreciate them and you might resent that your efforts were unappreciated.

About your daughter---does she talk to her or see her more often than she talks with or sees you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2014
Thu, 12-04-2014 - 3:51pm
I agree with this person's comments. If I had lost someone once I would be trying to establish what went wrong and establish mutual expectations for the relationship. I would not leave anything to chance. I would state at least what I think a relationship involves in terms of small signs of caring and consideration. And, I would want to know what is important to the other person and try to meet their expectations if they were reasonable.