help, my bf won't reciprocate!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
help, my bf won't reciprocate!!
3
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 5:19am
Hello, I really need your advice, especially from the guys who will probably be able to help me understand a guy's mind...ok, in short, i'm dating a guy a year younger than me who is overseas in the army right now (he's almost 20). We've been dating for 2 months but never met (we met online but have talked on the phone for hours a day since day one). So I know him pretty well, and to my surprise we were at the "I love you" stage after only a couple weeks (he said it first), and he told me he's never said that to a girl before, not even this girl he dated for a year before he went overseas. He also mentioned that he used to spend a lot of money on her, like 200 bucks a week. I was like "wow, you don't need to spend all your money on me!" Anyway, here's my dilemma: I've sent him 3 care packages already and a couple letters in the 2 months we've been dating (you know, nothing huge, food, a cool t-shirt, pictures, candy he can't get overseas that he really likes, etc.) We both spend money on phone cards, but not that much (I make a lot less money than him), yet he has never returned the favor and even sent me a letter, much less a care package. Even my friends have noticed this and pointed out how wrong it is, they feel like he is "using me". I know he loves me, he tells me so every time we talk on the phone, but is it too much to ask for a letter? I have 1 pic. of him, but he's not even smiling in it so I asked him to send me some more. So I am even sending him a disposable camera so he can easily take pics and send them to me. I had to ASK him to send me a postcard, but he seemed really unenthusiastic about the camera and postcard ideas. I don't think a relationship is in any way based on material things, but I do strongly believe in reciprocity!! He obviously doesn't mind spending money on girls, and I know he only has 1-2 days off per week, but there's a post office nearby, so come on how hard can it be to send something? Am I being selfish? He said he's not the letter writing type b/c he never knows what to write, but it does hurt my feelings to "spoil" him and not get anything in return. Why do guys act like this, someone please help! Most importantly, what can I do to hint (without sounding demanding or selfish) that I'd appreiciate a package? I know guys always tell us girls that "hints don't work, just say it", but I feel nervous about that idea. Should I be blunt? Sorry, I know that was a long post, but thanks for reading and replying!! I would really appreciate any advice I can get!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 6:34am
He is rude and you are in love with love and a fantasy image - he is a complete stranger to you and I don't care if you spend hours a day typing/talking - that is not dating - it is typing and talking with an email pen pal - sure there might be a budding friendship but you have no idea if you click in person - at all - believe me as many will tell you on this or other boards it is very easy to fall in love with a fantasy - you may click in person but you really have no idea.

please stop sending him presents and please see his reaction as rude and his telling you what he spent on his ex as tacky and irrelevant. get off the computer and find outside activities and interests. Today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 7:01am
You've never even met this guy - how could you possibly 'love' him. Love takes time - and it most certainly requires 'face-to-face' time - you both love the fantasy of what the other can provide.

I'd move on and find somebody closer to home that you can actually date in person.

Coolas

Avatar for alicea825
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 11:53am
I agree with the other posts on here, you are in love with a fantasy, someone you've never even met, do you know how strange that sounds to people?

Love and actual dating takes time and physical compatability as well as emotional, mental, intellectual, etc.

Quit spending money on this man who is obviously using you, and telling you he loves you because he's overseas and lonely and needs someone "back home" to care about him.

Take care.