HELP! My professor wants to date me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
HELP! My professor wants to date me!
56
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 8:49pm
I'm a 24-year-old college student. I'm graduating in May, and my 30-year-old professor told me over the weekend that he's had a thing for me for the past two years. He teaches a performing ensemble class that I've been in for a while, and my friends and I have always considered him one of the gang. I've actually always had a goofy little crush on him, but I NEVER thought that feeling would be reciprocated. It was VERY weird to hear him tell me this - he's my professor for god's sake! - but I'm also intrigued. We have both decided it would be a very bad idea to pursue this while I'm still a student; he says he just wants to get to know me better, which is fine (right?). I think it would be interesting to see where this whole thing goes after I graduate. The only drawback is he is recently (a year or so) divorced and has two kids. How am I to tell if he really means it, or is just confused and sexually frustrated? He's a really great guy, but this is all very new and frightening (and WEIRD). He's been my teacher for two years, and we (meaning me and the other people in my ensemble) are very comfortable and casual around him. He's more like our older friend than a teacher, but he has just recently started to confide in and get to know just me away from my group of friends. We actually communicate really well and can talk on the phone for hours. The whole thing is very surreal - this kind of thing only happens in movies! Something this crazy has never, ever happened to me before. And the scary thing is, I'm very attracted to him - I've just been ignoring it. Is this all wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 5:25am

And... I agree with many of your thoughts but I guess I just am looking at this from a different point of view.


For example, maybe he was attracted to her during the last year of his marriage but what is vitally important here is that he did not act on that attraction. In fact, he did not even reveal his attraction to her until one year after his divorce. That, in itself, says a lot to me in terms of the man's character and integrity.


I don't think that his perception of her class performance or his fairness in grading will be clouded by his perception. If it hasn't already then I doubt that it will in just these next three months. Personally, I think that he chose this time to reveal his attraction because they had achieved a level of comfort that he felt safe in doing so. I think it just may be that they have reached a point where they feel secure in their conversation and not threatened by insecurities. In fact, she has not said that he has even asked her out...


I mean, all the man has done is to have told her that he is attracted to her. Shoot, I'm attracted to Renee Zellweger but I would never act on it. I find her fascinating. But, my SO knows very well that I am in love with her (Renee, you don't stand a chance!).


Actually, I'm beginning to think that we are making far more out of this situation than the original poster did.


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 5:44am

Oh, I hope she makes a good choice too. A right choice.


The problem I see with trying to analyze this situation is that we tend to look at it from our perspective (that's normal) and apply what we would do. And, we can say "most" men or "most" women would do this or that. But, that is within our realm of knowledge of those who we know. The fact is, we don't know either of these two people and we can only assume this or that beyond what she has told us.


But, that's like saying that "most" women don't like a man with a hairy chest (as evidenced by several of the polls I have seen on iVillage boards). But, my SO does and to me she is the one who counts. So, in this instance, does it really matter that "most" men or women would do any certain thing? No, not to these two people. What matters is what they do.


A couple of examples of what I mean here... he has been divorced for one year. Now, what we know is that his divorce was final a year ago thus ending the legality of the marriage. I know of people who were emotionally divorced long before the legal ending of their marriage (and I was one of them!). So, it is quite possible that his "healing" took place before during and after the legal ending of the marriage. - Another example: she mentioned that they talk on the phone - the fact is, we do not know what they talk about. She didn't say. But, does it really matter? This is a situation that they have to work out between themselves and, while I think she may be looking for some direction here, I have been trying to keep an open mind to possibilities and opportunities and let her know that it isn't the end of the world because her professor has expressed an attraction for her.


You are right though, 24 is a young age and at that age they are just really beginning their trip on the road of life. They will encounter some speed bumps along the way but as long as they don't speed I'm sure they will travel over them safely.


I just thought of something, the speed limit is slower in a school zone, isn't it?


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 6:18am
i'm with you all the way........ :)

speed limit? in schools..... fast for me,

i failed in math....... :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 6:40am
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 6:43am
I'm definitely with TG on this one... There's nothing wrong unless he's using his position to get a date with you. I would beware of the recently divorced thing if you are interested in pursuing more with him.

TG, just a poke for you: "I don't know of any vocation that one chooses that requires that they give up their gender in order to work." How about the priesthood? *wink*

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 6:47am

No, sorry, the priesthood doesn't require you to give up your gender - it requires you to give up the OTHER one!


See? I can poke back!


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 6:54am
ROFL. Good point!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 10:52am
You said, "I'm beginning to think that we are making far more out of this situation than the original poster did."

Maybe we are, but her choice of words in her post and the emotion behind them make me believe that the situation *is* something momentous for her, from *her* point of view. Her title even starts out with a "HELP" which tells me that whatever feeling of safety and security she could have with the teacher is now filtered by the unsettling knowledge that she is seen by him as more than just a student. Could her teacher know how much the situation actually affects her? I don't know.

Your point of view is of course an angle to consider (as is mine and others' points of view), that only the original poster can sort out for herself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 6:54pm
Your opinion is noted but I dare to state a few facts. In most situation where anyone has a position of authority over someone whether being in service or in a corporation it is "not appropriate" for anyone to mix with thier subordinates. Corporations have distinct measures incorporated into thier contracts which in effect exclude this type of behavior for many reasons including the recent context of harrassment cases. My opinion is that sure it happens and men are men etc BUT it should not happen between student and teacher while the person is in his/her class. My reasons are based on several fronts but the most prevalent is that being human is not an excuse for taking a role as a teacher even if he meets someone he finds fascinating. As for his divorce being fianl over a year ago I did see that but the ex wife can always go back to court concerning visitations etc if she can prove to a judge there is innapropriate behavior going on. Regardless of your being a guy too, it is just my opinion and if this were taking place in schools with younger there would be no question,would there. Are you agreeing that any teacher who falls for a student has the right to tell her or are you instilling that because she is in college she automatically has all which is required to make that lifetime decision for herself. Perhaps she has but she asked for opinions. Above all I believe she should follow the first statement concerning the weird feeling about the whole deal and let it go. And for his teaching and compassion I fail to see how that relates to her feeling ok in ensambles yet somewhat weird with just him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 7:23pm
I posted a rebuttal to your post on my points and I had not read the others at that time. There are a few things that come across when all is read and done here. First the original poster has not returned or has not decided to post anything to our opinion's which in fact makes me unsure if her "HELP" was indeed a moment or a real problem. I agree with both tg and gentleyes in some ways each but in fact we do not have all the facts from her to give a reality check vs an opinion based on our situations in life. Indeed she may have her head on straight and really know what she is getting into and just needed to see it in print to allow her to make her own decision but I still feel as others that "he" should have at teh least waited until after graduation to make anything known. College communities are small in many ways no matter what the class size is and I believe thier "secret" probably is no longer just that by the time this is posted. While there are many for or against points I can only state this. My total outrage as was apparant from my original popst stems from the following. If my neice came to me with this type of situation(she wouldn't as she has someone her age) my first reaction would probably be similar to that of the post(if not in jail) but after a moment I would simply ask her for all the "details" involved which in any situation would allow for a proper decision. The poster failed to give much so I do hope whatever she and "he" decide it will be in the best of thier both interests. The Let's calm down is mostly for myself,not for the other posts

rb