HELP! My professor wants to date me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
HELP! My professor wants to date me!
56
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 8:49pm
I'm a 24-year-old college student. I'm graduating in May, and my 30-year-old professor told me over the weekend that he's had a thing for me for the past two years. He teaches a performing ensemble class that I've been in for a while, and my friends and I have always considered him one of the gang. I've actually always had a goofy little crush on him, but I NEVER thought that feeling would be reciprocated. It was VERY weird to hear him tell me this - he's my professor for god's sake! - but I'm also intrigued. We have both decided it would be a very bad idea to pursue this while I'm still a student; he says he just wants to get to know me better, which is fine (right?). I think it would be interesting to see where this whole thing goes after I graduate. The only drawback is he is recently (a year or so) divorced and has two kids. How am I to tell if he really means it, or is just confused and sexually frustrated? He's a really great guy, but this is all very new and frightening (and WEIRD). He's been my teacher for two years, and we (meaning me and the other people in my ensemble) are very comfortable and casual around him. He's more like our older friend than a teacher, but he has just recently started to confide in and get to know just me away from my group of friends. We actually communicate really well and can talk on the phone for hours. The whole thing is very surreal - this kind of thing only happens in movies! Something this crazy has never, ever happened to me before. And the scary thing is, I'm very attracted to him - I've just been ignoring it. Is this all wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 7:24pm

I understand very well what you are saying here. I do think that she has to make a value judgement (as does he) and work within that framework.


The fact is, I don't know ALL of the details of this situation but was commenting on the generality of it all.


As for "fraternization" it is not permitted in the military between officers and non-commissioned officers and it is illegal among convicted felons. Other than that it varies with local policy - there is no set lagality across the board.


I can remember college (surprising considering my age!) and I can recall instance after instance of field trips, weekend excursions, car washes, sporting events, etc. where teacher and student were brought into proximity with each other - there was nothing forbidding that. Having been in management in the corporate environment for over thirty years I have seen incentive trips, golf outings and the like which, again, put superiors in prosimity with subordinates. Agin, no set policy forbidding that.


While there are issues of policy versus appropriate that is part of what this discussion is about. I just felt that the thread started out quite harshly about the "inappropriate" behavior of this man when I failed to see exactly what violation of policy he had sommited (there were some who felt that his teadching credentials be revoked). While I am not saying that either he or she used the best judgement, they certainly haven't used the worst.


Now, as for an ex going to court concerning custody issues. Unless she can prove him unfit (if he is the custodial parent) to the point where he does not provide for the proper care and well-being of his children, or (if he is the non-custodial parent) she can prove that he maintains an environment not conducive to the proper care and well-being of the children, there really is nothing she can do about his choice of who or when he dates. He has been restored (by rights of the final divorce decree) to all rights of a single person. Inappropriate behavior is a matter of what is deemed appropriate by a whole host of people (judges, attorneys, therapists, counselors, etc.) and It would have to be inappropriate behavior that affects the child. Just because the ex may not like his choice of dates is not enough to change custody or visitation.


Back to one of my earlier statements though - he just mentioned that he was attracted to her - he hasn't proposed...


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 7:39pm
AS to the reference to the priesthood it would seem that both priests and nuns are human afterall. There are currently allegations of a former student near here being abused by a nun years ago. Points made are real but in fact it's just a opinion board and we do not have all the facts. I do hoe they make the right choice for themselves.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 7:51pm

Wow! I hadn't heard that! I guess that Nun should equal None, right?


Yes, we are all human, regardless of our chosen vocation or position in life and sometimes there rally isn't much that can be done about that. Self-control and restraint versus temptations and opportunities... sometimes (as in this case) it's all a matter of timing...


You know, if this had happened after she graduated it would have thrown an entirely different spin on things, wouldn't it?


I also wonder if he is indde a professor or more of a TA or even an Associate Professor...


Regardless - he is man, she is woman - Adam and Eve started the whole thing! (actually, couldn't it be construed that Adam was the teacher and Eve the student in that case?)


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 10:57pm
Perhaps you hit on the original part that was left out of her post. I have never heard of a "Professor" that young. Either way it wold have been more prudent of him to wait but since he did not I still tink he was inappropriate regardless of being a man vs a teacher. AS for adam and eve, wasn't there just like I wasn't there wherever she is going to school. My only reaction was and is that perhaps she really just needs to do her own soul searching to decide. Actually I really wonder if she even remembers her post as it's been awhile with no responses.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 11:50pm

Oh, I agree that perhaps he shoulda waited before he made his "declaration". But, that's the funny thing in life - opportunities don't last forever. You have to seize the opportunity while it is present lest it be gone forever. He took the available opportunity and made his declaration. Be it right or wrong, that's the way he did it. Sure, it involves risk, but then doesn't just about everything?


(are ya having fun on this board? It's a pretty good board, don't ya think?)


tg

 
Avatar for unsure4now
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 9:07am
Every situation is different- if you two are meant to be, you'd meet somehow no matter what. He is doing the right thing, and agreeing that you shouldn't pursue anything until you graduate. I guess my only initial concern would be (until I get to know him)- does he consider every attractive student of his as a prospect?

In all honesty, I was in a wedding 3 years ago; the groom was the bride's professor. She was very leary initially- but he obviously won her over!

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 11:40am
Wow. Well, the reason I haven't written a reply until now is 1) I don't have a computer at home, and 2) I had to wade through 27 response messages! I really appreciate everyone's input, some more than others. To answer some questions that arose, the university considers him to be (I believe) what they call a Special Lecturer, which I think is one step down from an associate professor. He has a master's degree in percussion performance, I think.

As far as grades being handed out unfairly, that's highly unlikely. I've been in this performing ensemble for three years now, and I've gotten a 4.0 every semester - just like everyone else who comes to class regularly, has a good attitude and tries their best. All of my friends in the class have always gotten 4.0s - we show up, have fun and do our best at learning parts. Most people actually get A's, even those with whom I don't hang out. He's not just favoring the people he knows best, trust me on that.

tg, I really appreciate your responses. Yours were the most articulate and helpful ones posted. Thank you for your input!

I'm feeling a bit better about the whole situation. I attented his class for the first time since he told me yesterday, and it was weird at first, but it got better. We talked about how we both felt in class later that night, and everything's okay. And yeah, the school is small, but no one else knows - if he can keep a secret for two years, well....what's another few months? Which leads me to address the question of why he didn't wait until I graduated. Which I asked him - and he said he heard me mention moving out of the state after graduation, and didn't want to wait until I was gone to tell me. He told me he believes timing is everything, and it just felt like the right time to tell me his feelings for me.

This is a strange thing to deal with, and when I say it's weird, I don't mean it in a creepy-crawly kind of way. It's just....strange. Does that make ANY sense at all? I'm trying my best. Thanks to everyone for your opinions. I hope you find this additional information helpful.

-Goose
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 11:52am
I think its wrong for professors to hit on students, period. You really should turn him in to the college for making a pass at you. I know if it were me being hit on by a teacher I'd be uncomfortable to go to class.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 12:11am
They've known each other for 2 years, now that she's graduating he decided to tell her because he knows now it won't put his job in jeapordy - which I think is respectful of him. If she should accept? of course she has to decide if she wants to date a guy who's divorced with 2 kids. but as far as him being a professor I don't think that it should be a deterent. I once had a professor who I was very interested in and I think there might have been interest from his part but of course I never went after it and I actually regret it now, so i say if you want it go for it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 11:21am
I think it's entirely natural for a female student to be attracted to a professor, especially one relatively close in age. And for the professor to sometimes be seriously attracted to a student, especially if he's on his own.

I would fault this guy for revealing his feelings before the class is over. He should definitely not be talking on the phone with you for hours. But, let's face it, humans are human.

My advice to you would be to slow down and take it easy. You might tell him you're interested but that it doesn't seem right to be getting involved in this kind of relationaship while the class is still going. That you might like to see him as a friend after the class is over. And see where it leads. Whether your mutual attraction is just a result of the situation or something real.

And then if you do see him after the class if over, take it easy and slow. He hasn't been divorced that long. And you might well find that your attraction to him is simply an artifact of having been his student. You might find that outside the class, he isn't attractive at all.

Or you might not. I know of a number of cases of professors who've ended up marrying their students and had happy lives together. In some ways it seems like the most natural thing in the world. To try to say that it shouldn't happen or that it is always wrong seems to me to go contrary to human nature. To be anti-human in fact.

If my opinion makes any sense to you, I hope it helps. Good luck. And whatever you do, take it easy!