HELP! My professor wants to date me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
HELP! My professor wants to date me!
56
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 8:49pm
I'm a 24-year-old college student. I'm graduating in May, and my 30-year-old professor told me over the weekend that he's had a thing for me for the past two years. He teaches a performing ensemble class that I've been in for a while, and my friends and I have always considered him one of the gang. I've actually always had a goofy little crush on him, but I NEVER thought that feeling would be reciprocated. It was VERY weird to hear him tell me this - he's my professor for god's sake! - but I'm also intrigued. We have both decided it would be a very bad idea to pursue this while I'm still a student; he says he just wants to get to know me better, which is fine (right?). I think it would be interesting to see where this whole thing goes after I graduate. The only drawback is he is recently (a year or so) divorced and has two kids. How am I to tell if he really means it, or is just confused and sexually frustrated? He's a really great guy, but this is all very new and frightening (and WEIRD). He's been my teacher for two years, and we (meaning me and the other people in my ensemble) are very comfortable and casual around him. He's more like our older friend than a teacher, but he has just recently started to confide in and get to know just me away from my group of friends. We actually communicate really well and can talk on the phone for hours. The whole thing is very surreal - this kind of thing only happens in movies! Something this crazy has never, ever happened to me before. And the scary thing is, I'm very attracted to him - I've just been ignoring it. Is this all wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 12:32pm

Hi


Well, it's certainly flattering to have a professor say he's attracted to you.

,
Avatar for rikimiki
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 10:01am

Hi,


I didn't read the other advice that you were given so I may repeat myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 10:05am
It is wrong for him to be involved with you. Instructors should never date their students. If he left his wife and 2 children then he will dump you too. Get out and don't look back. Students and Professors have no business ever dating or hanging out he has over stepped his boundaries and should be reported to the dean!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 8:20pm
Hi Sherry -

Thanks for your reply. I've had a couple of weeks to process all this, and the fact that this person is interested in me romantically gets less and less weird every day. The thing is, I REALLY like him. Kids and all. I've had a crush on him for a long time, but I never would have said anything about it (what if he didn't like me at all? AWKWARD). Just knowing that he feels the same way boggles my mind. I was actually recently wondering how I was going to avoid feeling jealous when he started to seriously date someone. Ironically, more than likely that person will turn out to be me.

I've gotten a lot of "Get the hell out of there, girl!" messages from people saying I should turn him into the university ethics committee and he should be fired. But I would never do that - I honestly don't feel that he's done anything inappropriate. I certainly appreciate the fact that he represents a hell of a lot of responsibility - two kids and an irresponsible ex-wife to boot - but I don't see how I should let that stand in the way of my happiness. Because I'm getting the feeling that this is someone who could make me really, really happy for once. I'm sick of dating men who lead with their penises and think "commitment" is a dirty word. His kids are great, and I understand how important they are to him. I'm ready to grow up, and I also understand just how quickly I will if I decide to date this man seriously.

My main worries at this point are keeping my head on straight and making sure we both know what we're getting ourselves into - he has kids, we may both lose friends who find this relationship to be completely inappropriate, and he still has my parents to deal with. My dad's going to be ballistic when he finds out I'm dating a man with two kids who is nine years my senior and is also, oh yeah, my former professor. GAH! But we're going to keep things simple. It's too late to stay away from him outside of class and not talk with him on the phone - without us even knowing it was coming, this relationship has started. I think I'm on the edge of something really big - and I get the feeling (without being starry-eyed) that it's going to be something really good. And boy, am I ready for something good.

Don't worry, I'll be sure and keep you guys posted - and thanks for the advice, even though it's a little too late for me to take it!

-Goose

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 8:23pm
Actually, his wife left him - to spend more time with her boyfriend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2000
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 3:40pm

Hi,


after reading a few of the replies you have received, I decided to stop; because I couldn't figure out where this people were just giving their biased opinion on a matter they no nothing about, or if they were actually giving their objective thoughts on the matter at hand.


I am 24, and I am currently in a similar situation (except I graduated last semester).

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 6:04pm
Don't be too sure about that! That's what my husband the professor told everyone. When infact, he is the one who left me for a student. The only reason I am not having him fired is because I am waiting to make sure I get as much money as possible and then He and his student will both be booted off campus!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 4:06am
It is understandable that the replies to the original poster may make you uncomfortable, considering that you were in a similar situation with her but is now (seemingly) regretting your choice since something seems more promising between her and her professor.

It's the point of this board and other boards...to give opinions. Some are noticeably more pointed and intense than others because they are based on individual perceptions and values. It's in the eye of the beholder (in this case, the reader).

I am one of the respondents who feel strongly about the post. Maybe her situation *is* the exception so it's okay if my opinion may not have resonated well with her. I work in an academic institution and been trained about dealing with *human* things like this (instructor-student romantic attraction) so naturally, that's my basis for giving my perspective (including my *personal* standard about the whole thing).

I understood her post and I know a lot of instructors in my institution who could be mistaken for students themselves because of their demeanor and general style; so regardless of whether he was 3, 5, 9, or even 10 or 20 years her senior, he is still officially her instructor until she is no longer her student (freeing them both from the instructor-student authority structure). And there is also a question of her readiness to in fact pursue a *real* relationship with him, considering that he has a separate life than her own, beyond being her teacher.

I reread my post in light of the original poster's follow up response. I was emphasizing boundary-setting. Maybe what they are both doing is what's working for them. After all, they're adults; and I agree with you, whatever eventually unfolds, they bear the responsibility of the consequences.

She needs to make her choice as you have made yours, regardless of what anyone on this board says (except to give her perspective, at the very least). I stand by my original response to her, based on the information that she provided at that time. And as I said, maybe the case between him and her is an exception which she will learn from and live as *her* own.

Ultimately, I think there is nothing "objective" in any opinion because they are motivated by personal experiences and bias. I think that in its simple sense, being objective just means that a person giving an opinion is detached from the actual experience of the person seeking advice/feedback, and it's then up to the person to take what makes sense and leave the rest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 1:39pm
Just lurking and thought I'd add my $.02. I am a teaching assistant at a university, and can only speak from my own experience, but I did want to add it.

Our institution does not have a policy specifically addressing this, but some do. What our supervisor told us ("off the record") is that if we WANTED to date a student, we needed to wait until they were out of the class to do so. At that point, it no longer was any business of the university's. HOWEVER, this is not the case at every school. Some universities actively prohibit it, and some even have provisions for charging the professor with sexual harassment if the relationship is discovered, no matter how consensual. IMHO, the first thing the OP and her professor need to do (assuming they both desire this relationship) is quietly check university policy on these matters so that he doesn't lose his job and suffer the consequent blacklisting in his field. If policy does not address/prohibit the relationship, they should then wait until she is out of the class, and proceed from there. I don't think it is inherently "wrong" to date a professor, but it needs to be done in an aboveboard manner so that no one loses their job and no one is accused of grade-fixing or whatever. I apologize if this has been brought up by someone else (I haven't gotten through the whole thread), but these are just some things to keep in mind.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 2:49pm
I agree with Terry. This guy isn't a slime ball. You're graduating in two months, which means that you could date him then. He had the decency to wait until you were about to graduate to say something, meaning he doesn't just want to bonk a student, he wants to wait after you graduate for the possibility of a relationship. He didn't threaten you with your grade or call you into his office and try to kiss you. He just told you how he felt. I think he's trustworthy and I don't think he's done anything wrong. However, do not start anything with this man until after you graduate. If you're attracted to him and you think you may want to date him, let him know that. But also let him know that you don't feel comfortable doing so now because he is currently a authority figure in your life and it would be wrong. See what he says. If you are attracted, go for it. Just be careful about when. As long as you date after you've graduated, he won't get fired and it won't be "wrong" then.