HELP! My professor wants to date me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
HELP! My professor wants to date me!
56
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 8:49pm
I'm a 24-year-old college student. I'm graduating in May, and my 30-year-old professor told me over the weekend that he's had a thing for me for the past two years. He teaches a performing ensemble class that I've been in for a while, and my friends and I have always considered him one of the gang. I've actually always had a goofy little crush on him, but I NEVER thought that feeling would be reciprocated. It was VERY weird to hear him tell me this - he's my professor for god's sake! - but I'm also intrigued. We have both decided it would be a very bad idea to pursue this while I'm still a student; he says he just wants to get to know me better, which is fine (right?). I think it would be interesting to see where this whole thing goes after I graduate. The only drawback is he is recently (a year or so) divorced and has two kids. How am I to tell if he really means it, or is just confused and sexually frustrated? He's a really great guy, but this is all very new and frightening (and WEIRD). He's been my teacher for two years, and we (meaning me and the other people in my ensemble) are very comfortable and casual around him. He's more like our older friend than a teacher, but he has just recently started to confide in and get to know just me away from my group of friends. We actually communicate really well and can talk on the phone for hours. The whole thing is very surreal - this kind of thing only happens in movies! Something this crazy has never, ever happened to me before. And the scary thing is, I'm very attracted to him - I've just been ignoring it. Is this all wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 2:56pm
I would make a run for it.

The fact is, he has 2 kids. Working on his relationship with his wife and kids should take up 99% of his free time. If not his wife, then his kids should take up most of his free time.

I think this guy needs to grow up. You are too mature for him.

Again, my advice, this is not a guy who is the solid bedrock you probably want to build a relationship with. If you are looking for a fling, then that's a different story. I don't reccomend either option.



Avatar for skippy1966
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 2:51pm
I'm sorry, but 24 is hardly a child or a "young" person to be preyed upon. She is old enough to take care of herself. I don't think this teacher, who is NOT that much of an "older man" is trying to take advantage of her as a "youngster" or at all for that matter. The age difference is totally irrevelant. 6 years is nothing. Nothing is going to "happen" to her as long as they maintain their professionalism until she has graduated, and even IF that. They sound like 2 mature adults who could handle another type of relationship besides teacher/student, not like a scared and vulnerable child and the big, bad wolf trying to take advantage of her. I don't see the big deal. Neither one of them has done ANYTHING wrong.
Avatar for skippy1966
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 3:03pm
You constantly contradict yourself in this post. You say, "You are adults and you make your choices, as long as you accept responsibility and are able to live with the consequences and implications of whatever you would eventually decide to do." If you believe this is true, why constantly warn her throughout this post to "be careful"? I don't think that their relationship as professor/student has to be compromised at all because they have become friends, have shared personal details of their lives, or expressed interest in each other outside of school. And I don't see why everyone assumes that just because this guy was recently divorced that he is a leper that should be avoided at all costs and that he must be experiencing severe emotional trauma and is "using" her because of it, or "turning to her for comfort" or "going after her" for the wrong reasons. Not everyone that gets divorced is emotionally shattered and incapable of making strong, healthy, intelligent decisions! Who is to presume what he is "going through"? Perhaps he is doing just fine and just ready to move on with his life, and I say good for him. He has done nothing wrong or inappropriate. They are adults and they are human. There is POTENTIAL for problems, but neither one of them seem likely to jump into each other's arms (or beds) and throw everything away. They seem to be using common sense. Her position as student for the next 3 months does not have to change just because they're having feelings for each other. If he is a professional, which it sounds to me like he is, and serious about his job, and she a serious student, then he will GRADE her based on her merits IN THE CLASSROOM, and she will expect nothing less, regardless of what's going on between them. Neither one of these 2 people are children! I don't see the potential for pain or problems in this situation as any worse than any other relationship. I think a lot of you are REALLY blowing this WAY out of proportion.

Avatar for skippy1966
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 3:10pm
Terry, I agree with you 100% (which you'll see if you read any of my other posts!) One poster wrote, "My point is NOT to deny attractions that happen in student-teacher settings/interactions, but I question his *exercise of discretion* within their school's policies or norms of faculty/student conduct." It sounds to me like both of them ARE exercising the proper discretion, and they're being chastised and warned by some posters as if they are little children in over their heads, which I don't believe either of them to be, or even in any real danger of being.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 6:36pm
If you ever get to this message...I'll keep it short.

I dated my college professor while going to school. I wouldn't encourage dating a college proffessor or any college staffer while still attending, it can run into major issues in the long run if anyone finds out about it. The consequences for him can be major. But because you will be graduating soon, I would tell him you would be intrested in talking with him as soon as you tie up your loose ends at school. Start things off right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 8:45pm

well skippy, truthfully it's a judgement call on the part of those involved. But, I think that sometimes some tend to take something simple and make it complicated. Then again, it is sometimes difficult on these boards to "know the whole story" as was the case in the beginning when everyone was trying to guess if he was a full fledged professor or more of a teaching assistant... truth is, they seem to have worked it out rather well between them.


And, I can understand him revealing his feelings for her when he did too - he knew she would be leaving and... well, ask yourself... how many times have you passed up an opportunity only to never see that opportunity ever again? He did what he thought best under the circumstances, be it right or wrong for us, it was his judgement call.


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 10:01pm
I think I am the 48 post or something...does anyone read this far along? I am new to this mesage board and saw your post. I skipped through some of the other messages and looks like you have a mixed bag of advice.

I can tell you that I am 28 and am graduating this May, and have been dating a professor for almost one year now. He was my prof for only one class, and we did not start dating until I was no longer his student. I am a TA as well, so it was the same situation, he was a prof that would the grad students liked to hang out with too. Neither if us have any achedemic involvement with each other, and I think this is critical to avoid any kind of power play on either side. I can tell you that even though he is a prof, he is still a man! He is divorced with a child, but his ex is very nice and very much out of his life (she is getting re-married) so that does not complicate things.

Who cares if he has been interested in students before? I am sure he has been. It is a small town with few female choices, the locals are not educated, and the ones at the college are usually too young for dating (he is 38). He was loyal to his wife (according to her and him) while he was a prof, despite being very unhappy, and to me that tells me what his character is like. We are very compatible on many levels. We have been very low profile even though it is ok for him to date me since I am not his student (university policy). I can tell you that it has been fantastic, the best relationship that I have ever had so far (I have been in 4 serious ones). He is also someone with the greatest age difference that I have ever dated ( 10 years) but I think he is much more mature and ready for me and a mature relationship than any of my other boyfriends.

The only problem is that since I am student, I am moving for a job, he is a prof, so he is more bound to the city than I am. We have decided to keep things open, see where things go, live for today sort of moto. It has been fantastic however. I think it is important to not get too caught up in where the future will head so that you deprive yourself of actually enjoying what you have at the moment.

My advice is why not? As long as he has no control over you as far as grades are concerned (but not until!). Once he is not your prof, he is just a man, like any other. The benefit is that you know that you are compatible on some level already, and you have a good feel of what the other is like already. It could be really awesome!

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 11:43pm

Hello blackspruce, welcome to the board!


Yes, she did get a wide variety of responses... but, that is what boards like this provide... everyone sees a situation from their perspective and therefore offers a slightly different thought than the next person.


And, each situation is different. But, in the end, whether in academia, the business or professional world, or even the military, there are sometimes rules which need to be followed. In this case I don't know that there was a pat rule but that's when common sense and discretion come in handy.


that real fact though, is that, no matter what profession or vocation one chooses it does not alter their gender. And, each gender is subject to attractions and desires - it's what makes us human. How we react to those attractions and desires is what is important.


Thank you for sharing your story with us.


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 1:27am
I am not contradicting myself. I am expressing two different points.

POINT ONE: I am acknowledging that they are adults and merely stating that she has to make up her own mind.

POINT TWO: I am telling her to be careful not because I am doubting her adult-making decision abilities, but as matter of expressing *my* opinion about the whole thing. After all *she* posted on this board to solicit opinions. This is consistent with my first point; giving her a perspective to think about whether she CHOOSES to believe it or not. My first point does not negate the second. She'll do what she'll do and I stand by what I still think about what she posted. She may clarify things little by little if she thinks comments to her post/s are off, and since *I* don't know the whole picture, except the ORIGINAL one that she posted, I can only go by my own OPINION of the entire thing. Did you read her original post? Which she eventually toned down later?

I think I mentioned earlier that MAYBE her case is the exception despite of my strong feelings about it. But my opinion is just that -- an opinion -- because she is ULTIMATELY the one making the decision.

So what's the contradiction?

Posters have their assumptions as do you. You think that I or the others are blowing it out of proportion; you think it's no big deal. What's the truth? No one REALLY knows what's going on except the original poster...

And I think that's the bottomline, we are making ASSUMPTIONS based on IMPRESSIONS from the information that the original poster provided. These assumptions resonate in your own words, by using phrases such as:

"Perhaps he is doing just fine ..."

"but neither one of them seem likely to jump into each other's arms (or beds) and throw everything away."

"They seem to be using common sense."

I guess you are uncomfortable because you feel like the prof. was unduly badgered, and maybe you're right.

I think we agree on one thing: that they're adults. You just seem to be more optimistic about the outcome...but who can predict that? It doesn't make my perspective less valid than yours, whether anyone else agrees to it or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Sun, 03-14-2004 - 1:39am
That's your interpretation...

The "chastising" aspect that you *perceive* the posts seem to give (you're fond of using my quotes) is because you believe differently, and perhaps even offended by it because they do not share your more "welcoming" attitude of such situation.


Writing on a *public* board like the original poster did concerning her *particular* situation has the potential of getting a variety of responses from a wide range of emotional intensity and position. That's the risk of doing that.

And like Terry said, maybe it's a simple matter that just got complicated by layers of assumptions that posters like me have expressed. I can NOT ignore the context of her post even when ultimately, it was really a *personal* judgment call made by her professor...as a man.



Edited 3/14/2004 2:08 am ET ET by carmelsf


Edited 3/15/2004 1:37 pm ET ET by carmelsf