Help needed from all desperately!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Help needed from all desperately!!!
11
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 12:08pm
hello, i'm back with another problem. my b/f whom i've been dating for a year always turns me down when i'm in the mood. he only wants sex when he is in the mood. i know he is one who can be adventerous in the bedroom, and he is a passionate lover. i am unsure if the reply to his question has anything to do with this, i have asked him and he says it doesn't. i don't know if you recall, but he asked me the first time we had sex who was bigger he or my ex. i thinking it was just going to be a one nighter said my ex. i know that was stupid and i should have spared his feeling's. but each time we have sex i praise him in every aspect, i have told him he is the best i've had (which is true) and always give him compliments. i have a very high sex drive so i'd like to have sex with him
at least 4 times a week. i have worn sexy lingerie many times trying to get him in the mood but he just says he is tired, or just wants to relax. he does watch porno movies and takes care of himself most of the time, and he even does that in the shower. i have even found out he has been on those sex sites before, and he had put in "fictious info." in there. being turned down by my b/f, who says he loves me, makes me feel ugly and it's embarrassing! i'm lucky if we have sex 3 times a month. any tips to really, really get him in the mood? some have even questioned his sexuality, if he is gay or bi, but he has constantly said that he would never do that. i'm at a loss here, any suggestions or advice?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 1:33pm
With sex you need two to tango. This guy might have a lower sex drive than you and is enjoys porno. Can you accept this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 5:17pm

Do you think the low sex drive(as compared to yours) has a psychological reason behind it or just the way he has always been? perhaps u should ask him if he has always been this way. is he otherwise normally loving and romantic and affectionate with you in ur daily life? If he is holding back on his love and affection and caring and concern and romance in ur daily life, then he is not being fully available to you. And that will show in your sex life too.

Additionally, I think if this is just the way you both are (some have a high drive, and some low) you both would need to come to a happy medium, and not pressure each other. If it is something you can't deal with, then you have to decide whether you can live with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 11:32pm
It doesn't sound like he has a low sex drive if he's doing what you say. I personally feel that doing such to pornography is unfaithfulness. Maybe not the kind where you break-up, get divorced or whatever, but it's just childish and immature, also shows a lack of self-control and depth, imo. It's completely unfair of him to deny you, really both of you, and exploit himself in this manner. I don't know what you want to do about it but I would give him a choice, me or the porn. Of course, he may try to sneak but that's on his conscience. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 3:09pm

I think it's time for a serious conversation with him. Many people will downplay the importance of sex in a relationship, but I'm proof of what happens when things are lacking in the bedroom. My ex-husband and I had this issue. People told me that sex wasn't that important, that it's more important what you share as people. But I'll tell ya, sex can make or break a relationship. If you're having problems now, things usually won't get better on their own.


I'm not saying to break up with him, but you definitely need to talk to him and let him know how it's bothering you. If he's pleasuring himself as much as you say, then there's some other issues going on aside from a low sex drive. Most men I know would be jumping for joy if their wives/girlfriends wanted sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 11:56am
i have talked to him about this, and he has said that because i said that my ex was more endowed than him that is what is keeping us from having more frequent sex. i reminded him that when he asked me who was more endowed (it was our first time) that i thought it was just a one night stand, and it wouldn't lead anywhere. i also apologize for hurting him. i told him he was far better, passionate, and loving in our lovemaking. i always praise him afterwards as well. it was not my intention to hurt him, and i should have been more smart when he asked that question. he said that he is used to being "king of the jungle" in bedroom, and his past g/f's have told him he was bigger than their ex's when he asked them. to have me tell him different was like a stab in the heart he said. i told him that he satisfies me so much that i want to make love to him all the time, but he said "i don't know that for sure, you could have always been like that even to your ex's." i told him that was very untrue. he has said before that he thinks that sometimes he is there for me (emotionally) just enough to keep the relationship afloat, and he doesn't know why he isn't there for me emotionally 100%. he said he knows what he is capable of when being in a relationship, and he isn't at the fully capacity level. i think the person who posted to my original post was correct, if he can't give himself fully to me than it affects the sex life. we have sex 3 times a month, he doesn't share his bed and he isn't being there emotionally fully, and most of the time he just wants oral and no sex. he had asked for oral the other night and i asked if we could have sex too, and he rolled his eyes and grunted like he didn't want to. i don't know if this is all due to the comment i made. i don't know if this relationship will get better or not. i don't know what else to do. i'm not saying sex is everything, but there are other factors in this relationship that are a little weird (as to how he is). i love him very much, and i would hate to let him go because of this. what else do you all think, and what would you do in my situation?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 4:07pm
Before I answer or add more to my original post, tell me something... What are the other "weird" situations?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 10:27am
well besides the not sleeping in the same bed, sex only 3 or 4 times a month, him saying he doesn't know why he isn't being there for me 100% emotionally (just enough to keep the relationship afloat), there is the fact he introduces me to everyone he knows as "diane" and not his g/f "diane", he is always accusing or assuming i'm cheating on him, has made comments that he has put a tracking device on my car, acts like he is going to hit me, but puts his other hand in front of it, or says he will put a "cap in my head" if i do such and such and says he is only kidding, always making comments like "you would tell me if something was wrong right? we have no hidden secrets right?", says the relationship is one sided and i don't do anything for him (i make him breakfast, dinner, i clean the house and do his laundry) makes comments to his friends about how pretty another woman was that he may have saw that day. now i know some of this may not be weird and could be deemed as normal man behavior, but i've never experience a man such as this. can this relationship get any better, or is it going to get worse? does this man have some serious issues? he said i made him insecure when i made that comment.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 4:06pm

reading ur last post had bells ringing in my head....telling you to LEAVE, to GET OUT without hurting yourself anymore! u don't deserve this!

he asks every girl he has been with how endowed the ex was as compaed to him? wow.
this man is highly, highly insecure.

he is suspicious and controlling, he bullies you, he plays games with you, he is threatening you, he is pulling your self-esteem down, he is making you explain things again and again. this is not normal! i think he is acting aggressively..what with the hand going up, and then he is now coming down to verbal aggression as well..telling you what he wants to do to you.

why are you bearing all this? whyyyyy???
what are you getting from him?

please have some self-respect, and LEAVE him.

as long as he sees you beside him, he will NOT learn to value what you are and how much you have been trying to make things normal and loving. he is taking you for granted.

i see no reason why you should be suffering there, trying to please him, answering his questions, and doing things for him, when he is not showing any respect and love for you.

write a letter to him on paper. tell him how much you had hoped things would be fine. tell him how much you have tried. tell him you can't take the treatment he is meting out to you. tell him his behavior and attitude is making you feel unsafe and threatened. tell him you do not deserve this. add whatever else you want to add. and leave.

this will be a bold step, but you have to do it. you have to BE STRONG and know what you deserve, and what makes a healthy relationship. you have to know when enough is enough.

leave him wondering. leave him thinking when you are gone.
and if he doesn't care anyway, he was never yours to begin with!!

i would not advise you to look back on this guy, whatever the outcome.
he seems like a person who will remain quite stuck in his mode.

put your emotions aside, and think objectively and practically now.
what would you advise a girl going through the same thing?

this is not worth it. he is not worth it.
don't put up with this another day.

make arrangements for getting out. however daunting that task seems. but you need it. you need to move on.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 7:18pm

Oh, my gosh!!! He has serious issues, for sure. Time to end it while you still can.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 7:21am

I'm with the other posters. This does not sound good. And let's just say that these actions, each taken by themself were ok. It's still not ok because it's bothering you. Do you see what I mean?


I think it's time to start listening to your inner voice. Relationships/dynamics don't usually change unless the partner makes a concerted effort or he/she gets helps. It does not sound like your boyfriend thinks he has a problem, so it's doubtful this will change on it's own.


Personally, there's too many red flags and if I was in the situation, I wouldn't stay. What is your gut telling you to do?

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