HELP PLEASE

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
HELP PLEASE
12
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 1:44pm
Ok ive been on here before off and on the past 5 years. I have a bf that had very bad childhood. SO we were always on and off again, because he wasnt ready. I moved in with him for about a year and a half. He wanted to marry me and so on. But relationship started to go down hill sex stopped due to disfuction after he took me to look at rings in April . We had a fight i ended up moving out in Nov. He started going to therapy because he doesnt know how to show love or deal with it. He never had it growing up. Ok so hurricane wilma hit about a week after i left. We had talked everyday until then and saw each other once. He said it was very hard for him to see me. Then boom he felt too guilty to see me or talk to me after the hurricane. Its been months now. He braught me my mail last month and was affectionate but would come in my room for rent. Then he started popping up at the bar i would go to. Then he called. Now its been almost 3 weeks. The last time we saw each other he said he still loved me and missed me. He wouldnt kiss me but would hold my hand. I said to him i will find someone else since you dont want me, he said no that is not what i said. Well during the months we didnt talk i told him i did not want to be with him i just wanted my stuff. he stays at a house with 7 people he lost the apt from the storm and both our cars got damaged. He called my insurance company to take care of lack of money and called me when they called him. He used to text me if i text him. But i find myself lost. His best friend and i hang out on weekends. He says i have to make the move. What do i do. He

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
In reply to: cherry0125
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 3:47pm

Has he said he wants to be involved again? From what I'm reading, it doesn't sound like it. But I want to make sure before I attempt any advice...


Kerry


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: cherry0125
Tue, 02-21-2006 - 5:00pm
If your property concerns with the insurance company has been settled than move on. Maybe you two can reunite once he makes a breakthrough with his thearpy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
In reply to: cherry0125
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 10:55am
Ok i never got any asnwer from him. I asked him if he missed me and still loved me he said yes. He wouldnt kiss me hello at the bar but would hold my hand. i said to him sicne you dont like me or want to be with me anymore i will go find someone else. He said i never said that. His freind says he is scared sicne i treated him well he doesnt know what to do. He cant call me or see me. He doesnt go out when he tells his friends he will. But tells him to call if i am at the bar. His freind doesnt call and he doesnt come out. Everyone says he is stressed right now. I would be too if i lived with 6 other people. But when he came to bring my mail he was affctionate and called my insurance company about my car. Then he gave them his number to call him back. But now i am lost on what to do. When i was mad i said i didnt want to be with him. I moved out a week before wilma, we talked everyday, he said it was hard for him to see me. We werent broken up then either. I left to save the relationship then wilma hit and boom?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
In reply to: cherry0125
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 2:50pm
This guy does not want to be in a real relationship and he is using all kinds of excuses, such as bad childhood, not "knowing how to love" and now he blames Wilma. I bet he blames outside circumstances for everything wrong in his life. If he does that, he'll never learn to become a responsible adult (on top of not knowing how to love). Do you really want a guy like that?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
In reply to: cherry0125
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 3:06pm
Some people say that he is scared so he finds excuses. But he doesnt know. It you lived with nobody from teh age of 12 that was family or friend and all your life you only knew misery what to expect. He always said he didnt know if he wanted to be happy, yet he was with me. He didnt think he deserves it. Most people in this world look for something to blame. But he is a very confused man who is 33 acting 15.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: cherry0125
Wed, 02-22-2006 - 3:47pm
He needs therapy to get over his abandoment issues and "fear" of being happy then. He will continue to put you off this way and you will always not know how he truly feels about you or when the next time he'll shove you out of his life will be. If he is committed to having you or anyone in his life, then he needs help to get past his problems. Until he agrees to get therapy and follows through with it, you should tell him that you can't be with him. ONce he begins getting help, you can see how it goes. But he will never be able to give you what you want and need in the state he is now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
In reply to: cherry0125
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 3:00pm
Well last night was strange i was bored driving around and i ran into him at a light. he was next to me. he asked what i was doing out so late (11pm) i said coming from the gym. and i said and you he said his dads./ It was funny he started talking about my car, When i asked if he learned to use a phone yet, he got nervous and i kept saying dont lie. It was interesting, it was the most he has talked.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: cherry0125
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 3:41pm
OK. So what? He made a lot of small talk with you at a stop light. You didn't talk about real issues and he doesn't seem able to. Not that you would have done that at a stop light, but when you HAVE been in a place where you can talk, he has refused or brushed you off. The guy still has issues and you will never be able to be in a healthy relationship with him until he gets help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
In reply to: cherry0125
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 11:38am
Well its not the most. But he usually doesnt ask so many questions. Ok now tonight i am suppost to see him at a party for his bets friend. i want to ask him like were do you want me in your life or do you want to get back together. Guy friends on mine say he is probably thinking i dont want him. Also it was a bad move i didnt say much when he told me how he felt. So i am not sure if i will get a chance to talk to him but i am not sure what to say? Help
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
In reply to: cherry0125
Fri, 02-24-2006 - 12:30pm
I'm sorry, hon but I don't see why you want to be with someone that is emotionally unhealthy at this time and won't be able to give you what you need. If you do decide to get back together with him, I would suggest that you AND he get counseling to work through your issues as a couple in addition to him getting counseling for his abandonment issues. I know you love him, but there are times when the relationship is not worth saving if you are not going to be able to be happy in it and get out of it what you want. This will happen again, you can almost guarantee it. And you'll wind up hurt, lonely and confused again. Good luck, but until he works through his problems, he'll never be able to give his full self in a reltionship and that's not what relationships are about.

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