Help! please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Help! please!
6
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 1:20pm
Ok, I've been dating a guy for two years. We've had our ups and downs, but usually we work everything out. Well our first year together he lived near me.. we were so happy and saw each other all the time. I had just recently lost two important people in my life when he found out he got a job 2 hours away and had to move. We opted to stay together. To him breaking up was not an option. However I was crushed. I felt like I was being abandoned again and that he was going to move on. We got over those initial problems, but with me in college and starting a new job also I didnt have much free time to travel to see him. He comes home every weekend to see me and his friends. He even told his family he was finished looking for someone he had found what he wanted... But, I never really got over the fact that he moved and I think it finally began to cause problems a year after the move. I started resenting that he wasn't with me when I needed him and he was upset I couldn't get up there more often. He hates living away and he's generally depressed except when he's home. He only works, never goes out while he's away. We used to both be very happy and now we're both so depressed during the week. His sister just recently got a divorce also, I don't know if that has something to do with it. I think he pulls away from me because he's afraid he'll get hurt too.. He's grumpy with me during the week and on sunday when he leaves, but the time we're together everything is great. Why is he grumpy and distant during the week?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: lilmape
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 4:33pm
The answer to your question is in your own post. You ask why he's grumpy during the week -- isn't it obvious? He lives far from his family and friends, he never goes out or does anything other than work, he knows you're insecure and unhappy with him working and living so far away, his sister got divorced. Basically, he probably feels powerless to make the changes in his life that would be necessary to bring himself happiness and contentment. That would make anyone depressed, don't you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
In reply to: lilmape
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 5:10pm
So you don't think it's me? With everything going on in his life do you think he just feels helpless and like everything is crashing down around him.. I often feel like he must be overwhelmed.. I worry about him being alone a lot. Its stressful, but I wouldn't ever want anyone else... I wish I could make things better for him, but its really hard sometimes.. Thanks boobeetrap. Sometimes when you're involved its hard to step back and think about it..
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
In reply to: lilmape
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 5:18pm
LilMape, Try giving support rather than sucking the emotional life out of him. I hate to sound mean and my apologies. But this is what you are doing - sucking life out of him emotionally. The other areas of his life are as well. He doesnt have anything left to give.

Stop resenting him for not being there (bc it sounds like he is there for you as much as humanly possible) - and work on you internally. Work on being more independent. I think you will be so much happier at that point.

Trust that people can work out their own issues, and will come to you if/when they need help but you can never force help upon a person.

Good luck. -Surfergirl-

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: lilmape
Wed, 05-12-2004 - 7:49pm
Hello lilmape!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
In reply to: lilmape
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 8:25am
Thanks to all of you.. I talked to another close friend who seems to agree with boobeetrap and cl-tgowens. She said, knowing a little more about him and I, that there was no way he'd be with me 2 years if he didn't love me. Especially dealing with it long distance. After talking for a while she agreed that he's going through a really rough time, and while I should be supportive I should't cater to him. She said then he feels like what he's doing maybe be ok and it opens me up to getting hurt. Instead I should be supportive and understanding and love him. Which Loving him is never my problem. I know a big part of his being upset is being alone. He misses everyone so much and he wants to be here with all of us. I just hope and pray things get better. I really love him with all my heart. He probably needs space to figure everything out. He hasn't mentioned anything about breaking up or wanting to take a break yet so maybe that isn't what he wants. Anyway. THANKS!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: lilmape
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 3:32pm
Yes, actions speak louder than words, right? I tried to explain that to my SO... we had a long distance relationship that wasn't working after so many years. I couldn't get this concept across to her. I'm glad that you understood what I was saying and what I meant.