Help-Should I go? (Ex situation)
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| Wed, 10-19-2005 - 5:09pm |
Hi - I am a single girl currently. I received a mail from my ex-bf (broke up 4 years ago) asking if we could meet for lunch, since he is passing by my city. He is married - since 2 years. After a gap after our break-up, he insisted we should continue to be friends, and after a lot of hesitation, I agreed. We talk, perhaps, once a month and update each other. I am happy for him for his marriage with a girl he fell in love with, and he has always been very nice and decent with me and advises me on my dates and how I should never lose faith.
I have mentioned to him a few times that I would like to speak with his wife, & he hasn't refused, but so far I have never spoken to her. When I asked him long time back whether she is cool about us, he said there's no problem at all. We did not discuss anything else. I also "feel" he calls me when she is not around. But I could be wrong.
Anyways, he writes me a mail this morning mentioning that he will be passing by my city(by plane), and if I am free we could have lunch together. He wanted my reply before he booked his tickets. What should I do? My question is: Has He Told Her that he plans to meet me? Is it Odd to meet like this, when I have not even spoken to his wife??
Another point is that I am uneasy all of a sudden. Being on the phone was no problem, but meeting him? A whole different ball game. The past seems to be flooding in front of my eyes (on the phone, this never happened). Looking into his eyes, our flirtations, our emotions for each other, our first kiss, the first time we met...it's all coming back and I am nervous now. Is this Normal?
His being married is making me feel even more uncomfortable. I want to be able to talk to him with dignity and a bit of seriousness(as if the past never happened), but when I look into his eyes, will I be able to hold my eyes and my smile?
Please advise me.

Trust your instincts. If you "sense" that his inclination is to meet up with you without his W knowing about it, that could be the beginning of a slippery slope. You're wise to be thinking ahead, of how his wife might feel about him meeting up with an xGF while out of town. His intentions may not be anything other than wanting to catch up with you, BUT ... if his wife doesn't know you or know about it, that could be a problem. Unfortunately, you have no way of knowing what his wife knows or doesn't know. You can only take what he says at face value (or not). Therefore, I'd suggest simply stating that you're uncomfortable it, since you haven't spoke to or met his wife.
Thanks for the reply starbuck. And u r so right, I have no way of *really* knowing what he has shared with his wife, and really, it is their business. I can choose to ask him what he has shared, and then try to take it at face value. That is what I can do, if I want to trust him.
I have never met him since our break-up 4 yrs ago, and this feels awkward to me. Yes, he probably has no other intentions but to just catch up with each other, and it is quite flattering that he has taken the pains to plan to meet-up.
So I should just mention I am uncomfortable since I have not met/spoken to his wife, and see what he says?
Thanks...
Something seems off to me here... he's not going to book his tickets until you give him an answer? Sounds fishy, doesn't it? Why would he need to wait for your answer if he already plans to pass by your city?
Personally, I would not meet him. Maybe he is having problems with his wife and is looking to find comfort in the past? Maybe he's looking to cheat? Not sure but something aint right...
My suggestion to you would be to tell him you can't meet up and then let him know that the next time he and his wife is in town, you'd love to meet up. This way he'll get the hint...
Listen to your instincts.
Hi,
Yeah that is what I wondered at first too. He said he will take a later flight "if" I want to have lunch together, and so he told me to let him know before he booked his tickets. Hmm!
Something tells me his wife doesn't know, if he is weaving me into his plans like this.
But he has been nice and cheery and a good friend, and it makes me wonder if refusing him would make him think I don't care enough to meet up with him.
And ask yourself, what good will come out of meeting up with him after four years? Will you get something out of it that you need? Do you really want him as a friend? Sure, there's comfort in the past but at the same time, it's in the past for a reason. Is this something you want to bring into your life again?
I've been in this type of situation more than a few times and every time my gut instinct was right on the money.
Tell him that you would love to have lunch with him but right now you are just swamped with work and can't get away.