Help - Should I run and not look back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Help - Should I run and not look back?
15
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 9:21am
We're reaching our year anniversary and I still have this weird feeling that things aren't as they seem. First, when I met him he told me he was married but separated, he was currently dating a girl 15 yrs younger than he, and that he had a child out of wedlock that his wife was ok with - ???? He also said that he'd never been faithful in a relationship, that he was codependent on his girlfriend but that he wanted to break up with her. I didn't care at the time, I wanted what I wanted. For 2 months, he cheated on the girlfriend with me while she was in school out of state. When she came back he broke up with her BUT they were going to try to stay friends - out of guilt for him, god knows what for her. BAD idea! That thorn was in my side for 9 friggin' months - she left stuff in his closet, she'd call him all hours of the day, he let her have a cell phone. He's told her to go NC back in October, then again in December, then again in February - what gives? Is he still into her? He says he isn't. Should I worry he doesn't have boundaries at work too, if he's so weak with his ex. I hate feeling that I'm a sucker by saying,"...but I love him."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 1:27pm
Run! Run! Run like the wind! You will never be happy with this guy. He has total disregard for women and if you want a one on one r-ship, you'll never get it from him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 1:45pm
Gingersnapelle, please tell me your story. I want to learn what to do right in this situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 8:23pm

Once a cheater, always a cheater... if the guy cheated on his girlfriend with you, he will do it again and this time you'll be the one...


Run away from this guy. He's bad news. And most likely, you'll wind up hurt.


Let us know what you decide.


Kerry


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2006
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 8:35pm

I hate to say this, but if he has admitted that he's never been faithful then he'll probably never be faithful to you. I say run, but it's hard when you are in love.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 9:03pm

Are you really hopelessy happy in this case? I am replying only because I have experience in a situaution like this. I will be as gentle as possible:
1)"I still have this weird feeling that things aren't as they seem."
They are exactly what they seem and I think you knew it but needed to go there for your own reasons.

2)"When I met him he told me he was married but separated,"
It has been my experience from friends and an ex husband who was the same. He was not a bad man but he was a very troubled and insecure man. Every man and all women I have heard of who have gotten involved with someone during the separation has never worked out. He did twice both women regretted it. Another friend was involved with a woman in the same situation (NOT ME)...also regretted it. These are usuall rebound people. I did not get involved with anyone thank God. All hearts broken.

3)"he was currently dating a girl 15 yrs younger than he, and that he had a child out of wedlock that his wife was ok with - ???? He also said that he'd never been faithful in a relationship, that he was codependent on his girlfriend but that he wanted to break up with her."
Where to begin? Repeat after me anyone who is already involved with someone (much less 2someones)is NOT AVAILABLE FOR A COMMITTMENT. If he had a child out of wedlock while he was married......yuck. My dear you deserve so much better than this man has offered and he has clearly laid out his baggage for you to see just how messed up he is. The question really is why do you want to do this to yourself. Please take the focus off him and think about the things in your life that make such drama so appealing to you. I REPEAT>>>>YOU DESERVE BETTER.

E

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 11:00pm

Hoo boy. You want to hear my story. I'll try to make this as short as possible...

About ten years ago, I met a cute guy named Alex. He was an acquaintance's co-worker. Now before anyone wonders why this acquaintance didn't tell me, Alex wasn't on the level, it's because he didn't know. Alex was new at the company. Alex and I also weren't set up either, we met by chance and hit it off.

Anyway, Alex asked me for my phone number. We went out a few times, but always on a weeknight and an occasional Friday night. That was the first clue I missed. I also found out later that his cell phone number WAS his "home number". Clue # 2. I let that one slide too.

One Friday evening, I met him at his job, so we could go out. He met me at my car and told me to go straight to the restaurant. He said his ex was there and she might cause a scene. So, I went to the restaurant and he told me, his ex was making trouble for him and showing up at his job and she is "psycho". He also told me he has a child with her. The child is 6 months old! He started dating me with a two month old son? He must have had it in his head to break up with her before the baby was even born! What a creep, I thought. I told him it was "too much drama" for me to go out with him. I told him I didn't want to date someone with a vindictive ex who was trying to threaten him with loss of visitation rights. He finally said "suit yourself. But it's not what you think". Sure.... it's NEVER what we think. A couple of weeks later, I got a phone call from an angry woman. She said to stay away from Alex. I said, "hold on a minute. As soon as Alex told me about you, I walked away." She told me she was still with him. They had never broken up and they live together. She calmed down and spoke rationally with me. After awhile, she believed my side of the story and told me what a big cheater he is. He had bought her an engagement ring, but she said she didn't think she wanted to marry him. We had a long talk. I told her call me anytime she wanted to. She never called me again, but he did. He yelled at me for talking to her and filling her head with my ideas about him. I told him they weren't my ideas. They were facts. He did date me for 4 months and he lied about her being his ex. she was still his gf. He tried to dance around that issue and tell me they had broken up several times. He had the nerve to blame me should he not see his son again. I told him he has no one to blame but himself. Then I told him this conversation is futile and I hung up on him. I heard they got married (through my acquaintance). Then a few years later, I heard they got divorced.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Wed, 03-15-2006 - 3:49pm
Oh boy I didnt think there was anyone in the world who gave men the benefit of the doubt more than me. From what you wrote it sounds pretty obvious that he is an unfaithful guy, no matter how much you love him this may not be a healthy relationship for either of you. Especially if he has minimal to no boundaries with his ex. Him leaving the door open for his ex is as good as him telling you that you are not enough of a priority for him to tell his ex to get lost or nicely tell her he has found a women he is happy with and her interferance will no longer be tolerated. I have been in a similar situation, so I would never discount how you feel, but being the other women never made me feel good even though it was not in a maritial situation, just when I was single. Its a choice only you can make but if things are gonna work out for the 2 of you then the ex has to GO!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 12:34pm
he;'s never been faithful in a relationship , and hisbehavoir since you've been together hasn't been stellar, you don't trust him, so why are you in this?
,
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 1:36pm
Because I think that at his age now (40's), he's more stable and secure with himself, he's learned more than a few lessons about how he has been codependent and unable to address conflict BUT now he communicates his feelings and wants, he can love himself now that he has forgiven himself for his faults and the hurt that he has caused people. Because of that, he can truly love now where before it was him giving, not getting anything back, then going out to find a physical fix (affair) to make himself feel attractive, wanted, loved. Just slap me if I'm being naive....I mean that. Am I snowed?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 1:43pm

From your post, it sounds like most of this stuff just happened recently. So how much could he have changed in that short amount of time?

Age has nothing to do with anything, when it comes to emotional health, btw.

Sheri

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