Help - Should I run and not look back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Help - Should I run and not look back?
15
Tue, 03-14-2006 - 9:21am
We're reaching our year anniversary and I still have this weird feeling that things aren't as they seem. First, when I met him he told me he was married but separated, he was currently dating a girl 15 yrs younger than he, and that he had a child out of wedlock that his wife was ok with - ???? He also said that he'd never been faithful in a relationship, that he was codependent on his girlfriend but that he wanted to break up with her. I didn't care at the time, I wanted what I wanted. For 2 months, he cheated on the girlfriend with me while she was in school out of state. When she came back he broke up with her BUT they were going to try to stay friends - out of guilt for him, god knows what for her. BAD idea! That thorn was in my side for 9 friggin' months - she left stuff in his closet, she'd call him all hours of the day, he let her have a cell phone. He's told her to go NC back in October, then again in December, then again in February - what gives? Is he still into her? He says he isn't. Should I worry he doesn't have boundaries at work too, if he's so weak with his ex. I hate feeling that I'm a sucker by saying,"...but I love him."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 2:02pm
Well timing wise - he cheated on his 5yr relationship in HS (20-some yrs ago) when his GF said she wanted to date other guys, so he bedded her best friend who had been waiting in the wings for years. After that he was married for 17 years, cheated on his wife with a long time friend 9 years ago after several years of a sexless, stressful and lonely marriage, and that short affair produced his daughter. His wife kept him, he wasn't in love with the long time friend. Then the last year of his marriage, a much younger, more attractive woman at his job got flirty with him and he was hooked. The marriage was still sexless and stressful but due to his codependency, he stayed to be her caretaker, unfortunately his new affair at work got crazy when he tried to end things with the young woman and she became suicidal - so the wife found out, all hell broke loose and he left to be with the suicidal girl. Such drama! They ended up moving in together and when that happened Ms. Young Thing decided that she wasn't into sex that much (totally different from when she seduced him from his wife with brazen tactics that would make any guy nuts). So he's back to crazy and sexless world all over again. I came along, we became friends and I told him like it is - WTF are you doing to yourself, she's using you for a free ride, making ya nuts and you're not even getting laid - SNAP OUT OF IT, no chick is worth that, stop this cycle!!! He started therapy several years ago on codependency but it didn't take, so he started again a year ago. He was a full blow codependent caretaker, with low self esteem, in need of nurturing love but looking in the wrong places - he was attracted to building up others self esteem, not his. I'm the first woman that has told him that I don't need him to complete me, I choose him and I can easily leave him if he mistreats me. He's never been attracted to that before - he thanks his therapy for that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2006
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 1:11am

It sounds as if you have made up your mind and have jumped to the defense. I wonder if anything has changed or if you are trying to save face. If you recall I said that these actions come from insecurity. While you say you may not need him to complete you, you seem to need to fix him. He is the only one who can fix himself. Therapy didn't take because he didn't let it. If it does now then that's great for him. Where does all of this leave you? If he gets 'fixed' can your relationship survive? Clearly if he doesn't it can't.

I can only say that I wish you luck and hope you find what you need.

E

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 6:16am
Thank you, Eliza, you are right - I'm trying to draw a rosy picture, because that's what I want. But I need to be truthful to myself. Thanks again for your straight forward response, I appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 12:11pm

I'm sorry, but this may not be what you want to hear.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 12:40pm

I've been away for a few days, so I may have my facts confused...but didn't you say in your original post that he'd had contact with the OW as recently as February (as in, *last month*)????

If so, it's sure doesn't sound like the therapy is "taking" this time around either.

Sheri

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