HELP:Guy shows up at 2.30am, leaves note

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
HELP:Guy shows up at 2.30am, leaves note
30
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 12:37pm
Hi,

I posted a few weeks back about a guy I met in a bar - we hit it off and he called me all week - we went out, and we did spend the night together. I didn't regret it, I thought he was a decent guy though a bit odd - and he said he'd call me... I never heard from him. I left one voice mail and one text message over the next week but he didn't reply. 12 days passed, and last night I was awoken in the middle of the night by 3 phone calls. It was him. He was actually sitting in his car in my driveway calling me on his cell phone! He didn't admit he was sitting there, but was fishing around to 'stop by'.. saying he had been out of town and just getting back... it's on the way past my house, blah blah. I pretended not to know he was in my driveway by playing dumb.. told him I had to go back to sleep because I'm working the next day (tuesday night!!) and then my doobell rang about 10 times.. I then heard a car drive away. I was really scared.

The next morning when i went outside I found a note he left on the door saying he stopped by to say hi...

Should I call this guy and express my dislike for what he did last night and clarify if I might have given him the wrong idea? I'm sure he was looking for a booty call but I don't want this to happen again. It was so inappropriate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 6:17pm
This is a very good example of the statement "you teach people how to treat you".

In the beginning, neither one knew one another, they were both horny and attracted to one another, and they acted on their personal need for physical gratification using the other person's "parts." I'm all about it.


However,what that says is two fold. #1 - it says neither of them was looking to date, to get to know the person and form any type of bond, and that sex is "just physical gratification" to each of the individuals involved.

So here's him that night, roaming around town....going "she likes to do it, she's willing to do it without pretense, let's get it on baby."

She literally 'taught' him that her priorities and values matched his - with her actions that matched his.

He now views her as someone "who can do sex without emotional attachment".

Now....spring forward into our societal standards and norms......most women are castrated (pun intended) for that position - to enjoy and seek physical only gratification with a well-endowed and willing man, who cares if you know his name.

So when a man finds a woman that operates on that "primal male level" - he's not going to treat her "like a woman" - he's going to treat her "like a man with different body parts."

I guarantee you this same man has no problem banging repeatedly on his buddy's door if he's locke dout of his car or house and needed a place to crash. This is the same thing.

The "you teach people how to treat you".....is closely on the heels of "you don't get a second chance to make a good first impression."

I'm telling you, having been around lots and lots of men who would NOT engage in this behavior but who could easily "understand" a man of lesser principles who would saying about this very situation "well, she was a convenient source of available sex and that no-obligation sex, man, that option doesn't come around very often, so if you get that you need to milk it for all it's worth because at some point her friends, her family, or just the woman herself is going to say "no more of this no-obligation instant gratification" and when she does we move on."

I would agree given I did not note his knocking....that if he comes by again, rather than stand there in fear, victimized in her own home - she should call the cops. They will come, they'll simply tell him to leave, she'll get to reiterate in their presence she does NOT want him on her doorstep, her bed, or in her world...and she'll have then taught him "how to treat her" all over again - and the message she'll send is "i'm not an easy, convenient sex store" and given that is all he wants - he'll leave her alone. And..if he doesn't, tehre is an incident duly reported by the police stating that one that night she DID state that she idd not want him on her property and that she did tell the cops to escort him away. She needs to take note...if she adopts that position and his car is seen in her driveway without calling the police again, they're going to respond very slowly to her next "help me, he won't stop hounding me for sex inappropriately" call.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 7:23pm
I'm sorry... this sounds like the beginning of a stalker to me! A lot of people go out and "hook up" with strangers. That doesn't give him the right to just show up at your house and then pretend that he's not already sitting in your driveway, and then... when you tell him you have to go back to sleep and NOT to stop by, he rings your bell anyway (creepy!!!) and then leaves you a note. I would be very wary of this guy personally and would not talk to him again. Might even call the cops if he continued to show up my house unannounced and unwelcomed. I would be making sure all my doors and windows are locked, but perhaps that's just me.

Good luck sweetie!

Rhandi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 8:30pm
Thanks guys so much for the responses. I was pretty stressed out thinking about it all day. I decided to call him this evening and tell him firmly but not overly harshly that I was scared by his behavior last night. He apologized and said he didn't mean to do that. I asked if he thought it was ok to come to a girl's house at 2 in the morning and he said he didn't really think about it. He claimed he just received my text message when he got badk into the city coverage - I then asked if he would have ever called me again if I hadn't left him the message and he said yes, that the messages would not have made him call if he wasn't planning to. I find the whole thing disappointing but I was so frightened last night I couldn't imagine seeing him again. I told him I was sorry if I gavef him the wrong impression by sleeping with him the first night - it's not something I do often and that wasn't just what I was looking for. I asked if he thought that was the kind of girl I was and he said no, but I didn't know what else to say. he said thanks for calling him back and I said to 'take care'. I doubt he'll call again... the only way I'd consider seeing him again is if he shows up tomorrow with flowers or calls me back to really apologize on his own accord. I see that as an absolute slim chance , so I would say hes a writeoff.

As an aside, my last 'ex' called me today, he just got back into town from holiday. We dated on and off throughout the earloy summer, and became quite close. i've really missed him, and anyway, we spent the afternoon talking, I told him what happened and he made me feel so much better. I realized how nice of a guy he is and I realized how much I miss him. There were some fundamental issues, but I couldn't help but wish he'd give it another shot. Maybe it takes a crazy incident to make you realize what you lost.




Edited 9/8/2004 8:33 pm ET ET by londoness75

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 11:43pm

Well, hon, again I'm sorry about that scary incident.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 10:33am
Doubleblade. Come on. This is not about someone's moral fiber and all the stuff that you usually post about "people do what they want when they want". If this guy had went quietly about his way when the poster told him that she didn't want to see him then, yes, your advice would apply. But this guy *kept* ringing her doorbell. That type of behavior is creepy and dangerous. This is no longer about "booty rides" and how she "taught him to treat her". This is about his unwillingness to take "no" for an answer.

Sorry, but your responses are not applicable to this particular situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 12:18pm
This is an easy one. Fill out a police report. This guy has no idea what appropriate boundaries are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2010
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 12:29pm
That is soooooo inappropriate!!!!!! I think I'd have called the police, having a strange guy you barely know ringing your doorbell to come in in the middle of the night. He most definitely was looking for action to dare to come to your house at that hour and be so rude as to not take no for an answer. He is definitely screwed up in the head adn I would make it abundantly clear that if he ever repeats that behaviour the police will give him a warm place to sleep for the evening....PRISON!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 12:43pm
The thing is you're confusing "no answer" with "no for an answer".

The main thing he wanted from her - he got a "yes" about - no obligation, no string, no communication sex.

She's now a 'source' of that - he wanted pleasure and he found a better source than a banana peel.

He showed up, he knocked alot...he'd have done that with anybody that had ever "let him in before and given him what he wanted"......the problem is, her hiding in the shadows in her home, terrified was not "no for an answer"...it was simply "no answer to his question".

She told him don't come over......well that's the "she says no but she means yes" -mentality. Problem is......probably in that evening where they did sleep together, she said "no" quite often about alot of things and then things heated up and she "meant yes" - because she eventually cooperated with a yes.

I've been in precisely the very position that she was in. By saying "no" to his request on the phone...it was the same as saying "no" initially to him in the bar and then "following thru with yes, please let's". So he's doing waht she has "taught" him works with her - to be more persistent because she really wants to be "chased and caught".

Now, however, in the darkness of 2:30am in the hallway - what she really wants is "him off her doorstep and out of her life" - however she hasn't taught him that her "no means no". She's taught him that her "no means maybe".

So she retreated and hid....and he's still viewing her as a potential source of gratification. He figures he just has to catch her on a different day of the month, or in a different frame of mind.

He probably won't return.....if he's got several sources of instant gratification going back to a less than 100% guaranteed source isn't really optimal to get his desired result - laid without obligation.

If he doesn't have several sources of no obligation sex, he will return - probably doing the very same thing he's done - calling while pulling into her street, at a very inappropriate hour. When she tells him no at that point, rather than hide in fear, she needs to call the cops should one knock sound on her door. That is "saying no and meaning no". He'll then get the point that at least at 2:30am when she's not partially inebriated and horny - no means no.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 1:26pm
You know what I have to say your comments are really harsh. I didn't run off with this guy on the first date - I met him, gave him my number and went home. He called me for a week and we met up for a date. I then invited him into my house - he didnt' ask or beg or show up late at that point - it was 10pm. We had a great time together, we talked all night (no sex until morning) and that was it. I told him I didn't do that all the time and that's the truth. It was the right thing for me at that time. I wasn't giving him any right to expect it all the time - It would have been nice to see him again but he chose not to call me. To show up 2 weeks later in the middle of the night was not his right, and in my opinion nothing I did entitled him to do that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 1:39pm
Hon, you don't control what other people think or do or how they perceive things.

If you'd step back and review facts...you'd see why you have the situation on your hands that you do.

You met him and gave him your number.

Technically, on the first date you two slept together becase "you both wanted some". Which is fine.

While you're "justifying" it with "I do this often" - the fact is you did it with him and he has no point of reference to YOUR character and integrity either. Nor is he interested in it, or you as an individual.

Nothing you're doing is "entitling" him to his actions...his values are justifying and entitling them to his actions. It's just that you don't control his values.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com