HELP:Guy shows up at 2.30am, leaves note
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| Wed, 09-08-2004 - 12:37pm |
I posted a few weeks back about a guy I met in a bar - we hit it off and he called me all week - we went out, and we did spend the night together. I didn't regret it, I thought he was a decent guy though a bit odd - and he said he'd call me... I never heard from him. I left one voice mail and one text message over the next week but he didn't reply. 12 days passed, and last night I was awoken in the middle of the night by 3 phone calls. It was him. He was actually sitting in his car in my driveway calling me on his cell phone! He didn't admit he was sitting there, but was fishing around to 'stop by'.. saying he had been out of town and just getting back... it's on the way past my house, blah blah. I pretended not to know he was in my driveway by playing dumb.. told him I had to go back to sleep because I'm working the next day (tuesday night!!) and then my doobell rang about 10 times.. I then heard a car drive away. I was really scared.
The next morning when i went outside I found a note he left on the door saying he stopped by to say hi...
Should I call this guy and express my dislike for what he did last night and clarify if I might have given him the wrong idea? I'm sure he was looking for a booty call but I don't want this to happen again. It was so inappropriate.

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In the beginning, neither one knew one another, they were both horny and attracted to one another, and they acted on their personal need for physical gratification using the other person's "parts." I'm all about it.
However,what that says is two fold. #1 - it says neither of them was looking to date, to get to know the person and form any type of bond, and that sex is "just physical gratification" to each of the individuals involved.
So here's him that night, roaming around town....going "she likes to do it, she's willing to do it without pretense, let's get it on baby."
She literally 'taught' him that her priorities and values matched his - with her actions that matched his.
He now views her as someone "who can do sex without emotional attachment".
Now....spring forward into our societal standards and norms......most women are castrated (pun intended) for that position - to enjoy and seek physical only gratification with a well-endowed and willing man, who cares if you know his name.
So when a man finds a woman that operates on that "primal male level" - he's not going to treat her "like a woman" - he's going to treat her "like a man with different body parts."
I guarantee you this same man has no problem banging repeatedly on his buddy's door if he's locke dout of his car or house and needed a place to crash. This is the same thing.
The "you teach people how to treat you".....is closely on the heels of "you don't get a second chance to make a good first impression."
I'm telling you, having been around lots and lots of men who would NOT engage in this behavior but who could easily "understand" a man of lesser principles who would saying about this very situation "well, she was a convenient source of available sex and that no-obligation sex, man, that option doesn't come around very often, so if you get that you need to milk it for all it's worth because at some point her friends, her family, or just the woman herself is going to say "no more of this no-obligation instant gratification" and when she does we move on."
I would agree given I did not note his knocking....that if he comes by again, rather than stand there in fear, victimized in her own home - she should call the cops. They will come, they'll simply tell him to leave, she'll get to reiterate in their presence she does NOT want him on her doorstep, her bed, or in her world...and she'll have then taught him "how to treat her" all over again - and the message she'll send is "i'm not an easy, convenient sex store" and given that is all he wants - he'll leave her alone. And..if he doesn't, tehre is an incident duly reported by the police stating that one that night she DID state that she idd not want him on her property and that she did tell the cops to escort him away. She needs to take note...if she adopts that position and his car is seen in her driveway without calling the police again, they're going to respond very slowly to her next "help me, he won't stop hounding me for sex inappropriately" call.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Good luck sweetie!
Rhandi
As an aside, my last 'ex' called me today, he just got back into town from holiday. We dated on and off throughout the earloy summer, and became quite close. i've really missed him, and anyway, we spent the afternoon talking, I told him what happened and he made me feel so much better. I realized how nice of a guy he is and I realized how much I miss him. There were some fundamental issues, but I couldn't help but wish he'd give it another shot. Maybe it takes a crazy incident to make you realize what you lost.
Edited 9/8/2004 8:33 pm ET ET by londoness75
Well, hon, again I'm sorry about that scary incident.
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Sorry, but your responses are not applicable to this particular situation.
The main thing he wanted from her - he got a "yes" about - no obligation, no string, no communication sex.
She's now a 'source' of that - he wanted pleasure and he found a better source than a banana peel.
He showed up, he knocked alot...he'd have done that with anybody that had ever "let him in before and given him what he wanted"......the problem is, her hiding in the shadows in her home, terrified was not "no for an answer"...it was simply "no answer to his question".
She told him don't come over......well that's the "she says no but she means yes" -mentality. Problem is......probably in that evening where they did sleep together, she said "no" quite often about alot of things and then things heated up and she "meant yes" - because she eventually cooperated with a yes.
I've been in precisely the very position that she was in. By saying "no" to his request on the phone...it was the same as saying "no" initially to him in the bar and then "following thru with yes, please let's". So he's doing waht she has "taught" him works with her - to be more persistent because she really wants to be "chased and caught".
Now, however, in the darkness of 2:30am in the hallway - what she really wants is "him off her doorstep and out of her life" - however she hasn't taught him that her "no means no". She's taught him that her "no means maybe".
So she retreated and hid....and he's still viewing her as a potential source of gratification. He figures he just has to catch her on a different day of the month, or in a different frame of mind.
He probably won't return.....if he's got several sources of instant gratification going back to a less than 100% guaranteed source isn't really optimal to get his desired result - laid without obligation.
If he doesn't have several sources of no obligation sex, he will return - probably doing the very same thing he's done - calling while pulling into her street, at a very inappropriate hour. When she tells him no at that point, rather than hide in fear, she needs to call the cops should one knock sound on her door. That is "saying no and meaning no". He'll then get the point that at least at 2:30am when she's not partially inebriated and horny - no means no.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
If you'd step back and review facts...you'd see why you have the situation on your hands that you do.
You met him and gave him your number.
Technically, on the first date you two slept together becase "you both wanted some". Which is fine.
While you're "justifying" it with "I do this often" - the fact is you did it with him and he has no point of reference to YOUR character and integrity either. Nor is he interested in it, or you as an individual.
Nothing you're doing is "entitling" him to his actions...his values are justifying and entitling them to his actions. It's just that you don't control his values.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
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