Help.....I need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Help.....I need advice
5
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 12:20pm
I recently met a awesome guy at church about 3 weeks ago, we have spent everyday together. About a week ago he told me that he is leaving for about 8 months. When I asked him why he told me he is going to a drug rehab in Florida. I have never been put in this situation before. I like him alot and so does my family. My mother just loves him which is funny because she has always hated all of my boyfriends. He wants to continue our friendship and I do as well. I just dont know what to do. I can really see this guy being in my future. He is everything (except the drug problem) that I have prayed for. I just dont know if I should wait for him or try to forget about the whole thing. I just cant stop thinking about him, which I think is weird after only 2 weeks. I have never felt this for any guy before. I am usually very independent and now I cant imagine not seeing him or talking to him. I really need some advice, please help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 12:42pm
Look - from an alcoholic in recovery.

What you hav eright now is "feelings" about the potential of this relationship and what it would bring to your life in the future. You don't know him as a person well enough by a long shot.......because he doesn't know who he is what he wants, what he stand for, or how he's going to get there as an individual. He's used to "coping" with life rather than living it...and there is no guarantee that rehab will have him able to do anything but more "coping" as a result of his stay.

So, realize that you're in love with the idea of love and what it might mean for you and your future....and realize that if he comes back, is clean and sober for about a year, and establishes a life by his defintions and efforts that is "great" - that might be the time to consider "getting to know him and dating". Until then, there's no "him" to know or date....except in terms of the physical sense.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 2:58pm
I would try communicating with him while he's away -- by letter if possible. You will find out if your interest holds or fades, and whether his does too. You will never know unless you try it out.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 5:23pm

Are you *sure* he's telling you the truth?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 5:46pm
Thank you for your quick response. I forgot to mention that he isnt a "total" drug addict. He is going there to prevent from becoming a full blown addict. He is telling the truth. He is a born again spirit-filled Christian and its a rehab center but they also have bible studies and things like that. I want to thank you again for your response. :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-29-2004 - 6:44pm
Hon - addiction in the form of chemicals (alcohol/drugs) it's a physical thing.

Once you're clean about 72 hours - you're "sober". Your body might want a fix.....but there is nothing that is going to stop that except a restructure of your values and priorities.

If the guy were a "full blown" addict - by your definition I take that to mean meth amphetimines or something injected - he might have to be weaned off - by being hospitalized for physical detox...and then "rehab".

But all he's saying is that he's "addicted to coping with life rather than living "in real life successfully" - and he's taken enough drugs and alcohol that he hasn't "destroyed" his life and wasted his fortune, eliminated his family, destroyed his reputation - so he's checking himself into a facility to "find himself" - so that emotionally he can "stop wanting ot use and start wanting to live".

That process is extremely difficult....and most people don't undergo it successfully while locked behind the walls where options nad opportunities don't exist to use. They learn the skills there, and have to come out in the real world and interact with the rest of us and create a great life - so that using isn't desired.

Believe me, 7.5 years sober vs 17 years drinking and using - I oughtta know!

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com