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| Thu, 12-09-2004 - 11:01pm |
Hello
I had posted once quite awhile ago about this same person and decided to let time take care of it. I am really hoping to get some opinions and I'm intuitive and know kind of what happened...however, the actions since are completely confusing and I'm even suprised by myself and my own reaction.
Here is a little background. A little over a year and ago I met someone and immediately there was an instant attraction and we both knew it and could feel it. At the time I was preparing to spit from my longtime ex-husband. For quite awhile we played the friends thing and really opened up to each other and challenged each other mentally as well. We were good friends and after about a year and my split happening…things went a little farther. He sat me down one night at dinner and said…”let’s talk about us”. He then said…we like each other but I would be a bad husband….I have a hard time attaching and trusting. I said that my ex was the only one I was ever with and that I didn’t need or want anything serious right now. He acknowledged that as did I and we basically said…let’s see what happens. Now...let me reiterate that we just talked a lot and nothing went anywhere for over a year...we never actually acknowledged the attraction until over a year later...but we both knew it was there.
Here was his stance: As I said...he told me from the start that he would make a bad husband and that he really had trouble getting close. He basically said that he gets close and feels caged in and messes up. (he says he has tried many times and says that he was in love once and was left, never since) He states that he is scared of love and when we talked he said...maybe someday? "Let's just enjoy...see what happens". He also said that he was faithful to his ex. Even though he claims that he is a playboy? He jokes around that he's bad...but when I tell him that he's a nice guy hiding behind some image he creates...he says "yeah...your right". A lot of the things he has said in respect to all of that has been a contradiction?? Wierd....is he a "playboy" that just works on you for over a year and when he got what he wanted...he backed off 'cause I asked and never brought it up again. Why is he still concerned and being "friends" again but with apprehension??
Here is mine: I had no intention on going forward at first…I was just very flattered that there was mutual admiration and happy that I had a friend who was really concerned for me. He made sure that I was sleeping well or tried to….he treatened to take me to a shrink if I didn’t agree to go because of insomnia and a stomach ulser. He listened to things I had to say and he opened up quite a bit too. He had a pretty rough upbringing and he felt alone a lot…pretty much raising himself and I highly suspect there was abuse there…his father died when he was little and his mom was there but really didn’t raise him.
Needless to say…we got intimate and soon after I quickly figured out that I was just not capable of the casual thing and that I really cared about him too much to risk such a good friendship on something that was said to have no future….or “we will see what happens”. After a couple of months…he took me to dinner and wanted to talk because he felt like I was uncomfortable with things….he asked me where I thought it was going and what expectations I had. I told him that I didn’t have any at that point and also that I didn’t want to lose a friendship because we have some kind of connection and understand each other. He asked me after he asked what my expectations were if I was in love...I said, "it doesn't happen that fast". He acted wierd about that question...then he said he would be scared of that. He promised me that night that we would always be friends if I wanted it and he never makes promises…(he doesn’t trust)….but that night he made me one. Then we were together after dinner and I went home and it really hit me that I just couldn’t do that anymore on that premise. I am “the girl next door…really” and I am just not cut out for that.
So I e-mailed him that I wanted to talk and that I wanted to “fix” everything in my life and set it straight…especially for my kids. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 16 years and I know that it is just best to be alone awhile. I want to do it right. Anyway…that is what I wanted to tell him even though he already knew this about me…he never e-mailed me back. He didn’t ever even bring it up. He just backed off. He still calls sometimes..but less. He still e-mails me sometimes, but less. He is apprehensive to respond but still does...(I told him that I keep friends forever and that my friends will always, always mean a lot no matter what happens...and I've lived my life that way...even with my ex.) He still takes me out sometimes to see how I am doing and make sure I’m ok. Last time he took me out…he was shaking when he kissed my cheek goodbye. He even gave me the name for a good lawyer for the divorce and checks in off and on. Otherwise…he acts as if nothing ever happened….I confuse myself because I miss him….and I shouldn’t. I am confused by his actions and periodic “checking if I’m ok and doing things to help me”. What happened and why is he still doing those things…granted, I know we will be friends always…or so he and I said. It just feels weird and I’m confused about his feelings and mine?? Why is he still saying things like, "you look great" when I see him and "how are you doing", "how is your ex", I'm sure he's moved on to other things...I understand we're still friends...I don't know, I am so afraid that I messed up such a good friendship? What did he really want from me??

This seems pretty clear cut to me...so please tell me if I'm missing something.
The guy is by his own admission not emotionally healthy and therefore not a good bet for a healthy r'ship. You didn't indicate anything in your post about him seeking counseling, so I'm going to assume he's not doing so. So...he has issues, which he's doing nothing to address. So you very astutely decided that getting romantically involved with him wasn't a good idea.
Now he wants to be friends, and is behaving like a friend, and you've apparently agreed to that. So what's the issue? He hasn't changed, he's still a messed up guy who can't be in a r'ship, and that will always be the case, unless he gets help. If you are harboring thoughts that he's miraculously going to change, then you need to stop being friends with him until you can accept that he is who he is. If you CAN accept him as is, and can let go of any romantic feelings for him, then be his friend.
It doesn't matter what HE wants. You need to decide what YOU want, and set your boundaries accordingly.
Sheri