hes cheap.... ?argh...

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Registered: 08-22-2003
hes cheap.... ?argh...
7
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:49pm
I never date cheap men because it doesn't go well with me. I believe in spending $, although Ive been working on budgeting.. im still very liberal with money.

The guy Ive been hanging out with/dating for 2 months is great. Everything is just good. I can't complain about much. I really like him. and its been the first guy in a long time i have good chemistry on all levels. And we haven't had sex, we ve fooled around some but we've decided to wait until we're ready to have the talk. so its been good that way, we're on the same wavelength on evreything and its been easy and flowing... except for the one problem....

.... hes cheap. He took me to one dinner/movie date and paid. Another dinner date. And 2 dates where we went to some bars where he mostly paid. Now, he doesnt ask me on dinner dates, been about 3 weeks since one. and when we went out this past w/e, i paid. It was a group dinner and i asked him to come along. This was the 2nd/3rd time we've gone out in the last 3 weeks Ive had to pay for myself.

I'm the type of girl who offers the money. And maybe thats my problem. So he figures 'why not, i'll let herpay'...

But I like to have a guy treat me when we're dating. Its not that I'm a gold digger and I will pay for some parts of the date since I dont think a guy should pay for everything. But the fact my guy is now not paying anymore, its fustrating me. And Im not sure I can get serious w/ a guy like this.. Hes not done courting, he hasn't won me over, its actually turning me off.

Not sure what to do?!


Edited 4/13/2004 12:52 pm ET ET by surfergirl77

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:02pm
I do not get this.....no real man (in my definition only - which I realize is only applicable to me) gets this either.

A guy is interested in you - finds you sexually attractive and interesting to talk to. He's taking you out to dinner and movies and to the theatre, etc. because he finds you all of those things and wants to know more about you. He's "paying" because he wants the pleasure of your company (not your services!)

A girl is interested back - she finds him sexuall attractive nad interesting. He's taking her out to dinner, movies, and theatre, etc. and she finds him alluring, intelligent, charming and witty and wants to know more about him. She's NOT PAYING becuase she HAS the pleasure of his company (not his services!)

I'm all about equal pay for equal work...I'm all about us having the right to vote...I'm all about being considered an equal (although you can't force someone to do that unless they have equality as a base standard which isn't something you'll find out right away).

But....dating is sometimes a process by which to find a partner. Meaning it's an "investment" process....he's investing his time, energy, effort and money into "getting to know her as a person" - finding out if they share values, priorites and boundaries and standards.

And she's investing her time, effort, and energy in "getting to know him" (not showing off the ideal her by his standards as she interprets that to be) - finding out if they share values, priorities and boundaries nad definitions of a great life and how to achieve it.

That's dating..there is mutual investment. albeit in different capacities, in one another to see if there is any need to pursue anything further than "sexual heat".

What is hanging out and hooking up......it's when two people who share sexual attraction and similar interests "get together" by mutual consent and one or the other or sometimes both in conjunction pay to go or do something they'd be likely doing alone - if this person wasn't 'along'. And quite often because there is sexual attraction - there is sexual activity.

Why does "hanging out and hooking up" - not usually result in a lifepartner...because there is no investment in one another in terms of "giving" anything - money or time or effort. It's simply two people doing what they'd do as individuals - together - for more "enjoyable via companionship".

It is one thing once a relationship is established to share expenses....it is just fine to have something you'd love to do with him and invite and pay......but this "mutual paying" in the same event lessens the courtship - institutes a "we'll pay as we go and see where this leads" dynamic - and in those situations nobody is pursuing anyting except what is available at the moment that is instantly gratifying or beneficial to them.

Clark Gable when filming Gone with the Wind was arrested for solicitation of prostitution. Now here's a "take" on dating....when the judge asked him why he was paying for sex...he aswered he was not paying for sex but to get her to go home. He never had a probem with a woman willing to go have dinner or sex...but he had a real problem getting them to go home and that is what he was paying them for!

Now....dating.....since you're not sure what anybody is pursuing when dating starts - since you're not sure what you share besides sexual chemistry - why would you begin to "pay your own way"....unless what you were insuring is the ability to "opt out" - once the benefit to you was done for the evening, despite the desires of the other person involved.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:22pm
what? that was really convoluted.

hes not after me for some sex at all. if thats what you just said in your post.

we had a talk about the one night we messed around. agreed it would be better to get to know one another better before having a sexual relationship.

i'm not worried about where he & i are (for once thank god!) dating wise, I'm just annoyed with the cheap thing.

I think a way I might try to get around this is to stop offering money when the bills come up. Not sure why I feel th eneed to do this everytime. I'll see what he does. Go from there. I answered my own question...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:32pm
I wasn't implying he was after sex.

Just "stop" offering to pay...it's simple.

Feelings are a result of situations - but feelings are not goals, calls to actions, facts, thoughts or opinions.

You "feel" you must offer money - ask yourself why is that? Are you buying options or equality? If so, realize you can't buy those things. That's just an example - FYI.

But just "stop" offering to pay - doing it is going to cause a myriad of "feelings" in you -that you can review as to why the exist based on your perceptions - but they are not required to be acted on.

You could have the "my brother' problem...my brother was taught a standard of gentlemanly behavior that included giving your seat to a lady when on public transportation. His freshman year in college required alot of campus bus rides, in high heat, heavy books - the whole college routine. He'd give up his seat every time to a girl that got on the bus if no seats were available. He got "mixed reviews" - most girls were delighted to have the seat and took it - although some made fun of him for giving it up, others flirted with him for giving it up, and others ignored him completely and didn't acknowledge him while taking the seat.

But the day it ALL took on a new perspective was the day the fat chick slapped him for offering her his seat......with the statement that was he implying she was too fat to stand on her own. Or that she was taking up too much room in the aisle.

You can't know how someone is ging to perceive what you're doing. their perception is their reality - which is all based on their values, prior experiences, goals, and standards - none of which you have any way of knowing when you first start dealing with people.

That's my point....there's no way to know how this guy perceived what you did in the past by offering to pay - he might have found it insulting, he might have thought he'd be insulting you by refusing your offer, he might now be confused as to whether you consider yourself "dating" him vs. hanging out. There's just no telling.

I'd say set the record straight with honest communication. Tell him you enjoy dating him, you think you might have offended him (because you easily might) by offering to pay - you enjoy being courted and prioritized in the dating process...and then if a concert or event comes up that you'd love to attend with HIM on your arm - extend the invite with the statement and of course, it'll be my treat.


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:35pm
If his behavior turns you off and irritates you, then stop dating him. It's that simple.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:45pm
better explained. thanks. will talk to him at some point about it. just dont want to make a huge deal about it right now- but i think expressing my thoughts on wanting ot be pursued is good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:47pm
uh i'm trying ot work it out,not going to dump him before ive tried to work it out. i really like him in every other way. its not a deal breaker as of yet becausae i think it can be worked out with him.
Avatar for unsure4now
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 2:00pm
Jeez, I had gotten myself into the same situation- you & I are just generous in nature, that's what it is. Many people like to take a mile after an inch is offered, which seems to be the case with you and your new beau. I know that personally, I feel bad when I allow my man to pay ALL of the time, I can't help it. We seem to have straightened this out, but for a while I felt like he stopped paying enough of the time on his end. I started feeling resentful and like he was taking me for granted.

To fix this problem before it got out of control, I simply stopped reaching for my wallet so much and it worked. I would literally say to my S/O, "I know that you want to go out tonight, do you have enough money to cover this activity for us?" I made it clear that I was not paying; but when I do pay (not as much as before, but I believe in treating sometimes of course) I make that clear as well that it is "my treat". Now he no longer

expects me to pay every other time, which seemed to be a short lived pattern that I got myself into!

Well good luck surfer girl! I hope you can work it out as I did, my man was worth keeping by far!