He's confused about marraige

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
He's confused about marraige
10
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 9:47am
My boyfriend and I have been in a serious relationship for the past 2 1/2 yrs. We have the same interests, love doing the same things, snuggling together, eating the same foods. We just connect. I'm 21 and he just turned 27. At this point I feel I know what I want in my future more than he does. I would like to get engaged in the next couple of years. We have discussed it, and he even at times talks about who he wants in his bridal party. He does come from a divorced house hold, and recently his family has gone through a second divorce. So this sometimes sparks the "marraige sucks" idea. Sometimes he feels I take up too much of his time. He just said a few days ago that he doesn't think he will ever get married, and if he does it will be forced. He doesn't like the idea of a woman telling him what to do..etc. I don't want to have to force the man I love to marry me. I feel he should WANT to marry me. I told him our goals weren't the same, and that we should take time apart. Am I supposed to wait around while I'm with him untill he knows for sure he wants to marry me? I don't want to find this out 3 or 4 years later when nothing is still coming about. I really don't want to lose him, but I feel maybe this will make him realize what he had, and what could be great. Our marraige doesn't have to be his mothers bad marraige. I wish he would trust what we've had all this time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 10:48am
Hi. I know that you love this guy-but you are only 21-what is the rush? I got married at 21--and let me tell you--I would never do it again if I had it to do over. I was to young and when I did grow up --he didnt and we grew in seperate directions and ended up divorced 8 years later with three small children. I mean at 27 I completely changed--what I wanted in life--everything changed--because I went through a change. I would never recommend to anyone to get married before they are 30--just because I have seen so many people change and then grow apart. My ex husband had also said he was never getting married, but 6 months later we were standing at the alter. You can never change someones mind if they are truly set against marriage though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 12:07pm
"He doesn't like the idea of a woman telling him what to do..etc." - does he feel that YOU tell him what to do now? That just confuses me...

Anyways, you cannot force or change someone's opinion. Yes, you want him to WANT to marry you. You are right to tell him you need time apart, you need to figure out what YOU want in life. He may realize what he could lose, but honestly I doubt it. He is 27, you are 21, he's not ready to grow up and you are.

If you want a serious relationship and he does not, you don't need to feel that you're wasting your time hoping he'll change his mind. You do not want to look back in 5 years and say, why was I waiting around, I KNEW he didn't want to marry me. There's a story my cousin told me about an older co-worker of hers. This woman was with a man for 15 yrs, living as common-law. Both of them were happy with the arrangement until the woman started pressing him for marraige, so much so, that he finally gave in and they wed. Fast forward another few years and she's suddenly unhappy and wants a divorce, you know what he said? "No, YOU were the one who wanted us to get married in the first place!"

What you need to do is go out and find some one who has the same desires as you do. Just because you connect on some things with someone doens't make it all work. If this guy doesn't want to get married after 2.5 years with you, I doubt that will change. Find someone who does want to get married and live his life with you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 8:00pm
Thanks for your reply. Only at times does he feel that I "tell him what to do". When I say this I mean for example: I thought we had plans to hang out on a Sunday night, but he didn't think we had definite plans. So when I offer to make him dinner, he said that he really wanted to just be alone that day and do what he wanted. He already spent Thurs, Fri, Sat w/ me. Sometimes I can get a little mad at things like that if I thought we might be hanging out even if it wasn't definetly said. So he ends up coming over bc I want him to.. I rarely ever do this, and he can't remember how often it even happens..so it's not such a huge issue, but that's what he likes to pick out, bc honestly there's nothing else for him to complain about for me.

I am just waiting it out to see what I want, and what he wants. I'm sure we'll talk in the near future, and we'll see what we come to..? If he still feels after being apart, and after missing me, and thinking his thoughts through that it's still not for him, then I will know for sure to move on, and it's not just a phase he's going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 11:25am
Well may I suggest that you confirm all the plans you DO make with him so he can't pull the act on you and make YOU seem like the pusher?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 7:09am
IT sounds like he just doesn't want to be married....Either not to you, or not to anyone. now, I know this sucks, because YOU really do want to know that there's a chance for that to happen. Think about how you want YOUR life to look in 10 years from now.

Do you see yourself married with kids? or living in common law? or maybe single?

if you're sure you want to be married, it doesn't mean you want to be married today, or even next year. in this case, you have to just say so. if he tells you that that's not what he wants- you have no interest of being with him anymore. you don't need to wait around, or hope he'll change his mind, & if he straight out tells you that won't happen-

take his word for it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 7:31am
Livinlove,

Honestly I think you are on the right track, a guy does not want you to pressure him, when the time is right, its right no one has to be convienced.

I think he is treading lightly due to his past, I would not argue that, however he should let you know what his future plans are.

Sit him down, and let him know how you feel, and let him know if he honestly does not know he will marry you, then better he tell you now, so you can move on to find someone else who will be willing.

Again you are right, YOU should not have to twist someone's arm to marry you, he should want to.

Andrew

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 8:55am
I do try to do that, and alot of the times he says "we'll see". And I'm like I need to know! He says "if plans come along for you then take them. I'll let you know tomorrow" It's not a continuous thing but enough to annoy the both of us at times. BUT not a reason for him to take time off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 8:59am
Being married in 10 yrs w/ kids is what I want. By 31 I want to have 1 baby at least.

Your right I don't need a ring on my finger this year, but he's acting as if I do, and that's not that case at all. He knows this is something I truly want in the years to come. It's hard to take his word for it. There are days he talks about our wedding day, and times like these..he's so confusing to me. He may come back and say he wants to get married in the future, not now. That's fine. And then say the same thing all over in a yr from now..

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 9:05am
Thanks Andrew.

When I spoke to him on Monday after this happened Sunday night and we decided to take time, he said "this is why I'm telling you now. I don't want to string you along if I'm not 100% sure".

How can a guy 2 weeks ago talk about a wedding w/ me someday,then say he doesn't picture it at all now? He can't change his mind everytime something little happens.

And if we do get back together, how do I know I can trust his feelings, and he won't do this to me again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 11:27am
So you should definetly take his advice that if you only tentatively make plans, you should take the *better deal* that comes along. Heck, be petty and do it when you DO have plans with him. Maybe that will smarten him up to how he's making you feel.

I know with my ex, I had to do that sort of childish thing once in a while to get him to see how he was behaving. He used to take off and no one could find him, once for almost a week! I would be terrified that something had happened to him (especially since he wasn't hanging out with the best people). One day I went out for dinner with a friend after work and didn't call him to say where I was. Her and I had a great time, and I didn't get home until 7 (got off work at 3). He was frantic and "oh my god, I thought something had happened, I thought you were in a ditch! I was so worried!!" I just turned around and said, "gee, maybe now you understand how I've felt."

Sorry to rant, but do you understand what I'm getting at?

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