He's Going to Cheat on me TODAY!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
He's Going to Cheat on me TODAY!!!
15
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:03am
My fiance and I have been living together for a year now. My mother has planned this big, beautiful wedding for us that's taking place on June 12 of this year.

Well, yesterday, he came from work (he's a teacher) and says, "Hey babe, I have a PTA meeting to attend...tomorrow. It starts at 6:00 pm to 7:30pm." I said, okay, but in the back of my mind, something didn't feel right.

When he has a meeting, he usually tells me a few days in advance. He NEVER tells me the day before. And when he talks to me, especially when he has something important to say, he ALWAYS looks me in the face. But when he informed me about this "meeting" he was looking away from me. Something just felt all wrong about that conversation.

So, he went to work this morning, and I immediately got up and logged onto the computer. I went to his school website and checked out the campus calendar. Sure enough, there is a PTA meeting, but it isn't for another TWO WEEKS!!! But still, I gave him the benifit of the doubt, maybe the calendar was wrong. So I called the campus secretary..."No, there is no PTA meeting today, sorry."

So now I know he lied, and the wedding will be put on hold, if not cancelled altogether.

But do you think I should call him at work, and let him know that I know he lied, or should I sit back, watch, and wait to see what he does with the 4 extra hours after work that he thinks he has secured?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 9:22am
Oh. I have never been in your situation, so I hope others chime in too. Let me ask you first - is there any chance that there was a misunderstanding and that there really is some sort of legit meeting? If there isn't - then is it possible that he is planning some sort of surprise - maybe something related to the wedding - and that is why he made up the meeting? I know a friend's husband had a couple of mystery meetings before the wedding to meet with the jeweler. I don't think he made up a lie though, just said he had 'something to do.'

If not, if your antennae are up and you really do think he is going to cheat - I would have a really hard time sitting at home thinking that he's off with some other woman. I do think I would call him on it, before tonight. It is possible that he has an explanation. Can you maybe meet him for lunch? Or stop by for a coffee break? I would want to have this conversation in person, if at all possible, so you can see how he reacts. Watch his eyes and his body language.

Another option is to tell him you'd like to attend the meeting with him (if they are open meetings). I'm not sure about that one though, you can't run around checking up on him forever.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 10:04am
Oh my goodness. There's a whole lot of extreme thinking here. I thought perhaps you had done some snooping and discovered that he had literally made a date with another person for the explicit reason of cheating on you. But this isn't the case at all. You've already imagined a postponed wedding and a cheating fiance and you haven't even discussed the possibility of why he would have misled you. Quite honestly, if you have so little trust in him already, I can't blame you for putting the wedding on hold (regardless of how beautiful your mother has planned it)

I would suggest, before you get your panties in a twist that you stop running around like a chicken with your head cut off. Take a deep breath and actually have a conversation with your fiance about why he would lie/mislead/misinform you in the first place. The fact that your jumping to these conclusions without any proof simply makes you look desperate.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 10:44am
First...CALM DOWN. OK, he lied...but, do you know why he lied--do you have the facts? Worst case scenerio is yes, he's making plans to cheat...but, on the other hand on a more positive note, maybe he's planning a big surprise for you, maybe he has a job interview and doesn't want to jinx it, or he's buying you a gift, etc.

Obviously, lying isn't his strong suit~be thankful for that. Maybe it would be best to just say to him that you after living together it was hard not to notice that he seemed a little uncomfortable when telling you about the meeting and if there's something he would like to discuss you're open to talking with him about it and leave it at that for this go round since you really don't have a clue what it is he's doing.

Michelle

Michelle

Fill with mingled cream and amber,
I will drain that glass again.
Such hilarious vis

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:55pm
Why do you jump from he lied to he's going to cheat on me today? I believe that you have some very serious trust issues to resolve before you even think about marriage...maybe he's going to surprise you with something PLEASANT. I don't know enough of this situation like you've caught him at cheating before or what...but how can you even consider marrying someone that you don't trust? If there's a history that's one thing...but if he's innocently trying to plan a big surprise for you and you come at him with WHERE THE $**^DID YOU GO, I KNOW THERE WASN'T A PTA MEETING, YOU LIAR, WHO IS SHE??? Why would HE want to marry YOU?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:40pm
First of all, he wants to marry me because I'm a damn good woman. Second of all, he's not the SUPRISE type. In the 5 years that we've been together, he's NEVER...EVER lied to me just to suprise me.

He cheated on me during the first year that we were dating. And that was the only other time he just came out and told me a blatant lie. Ofcourse he tells little unimportant lies every now and then...my hair looks nice when it really looks like a train wreck. Things like that. But he doesn't just come out and LIE about serious matters. Like I said, he did that once before and that's when he was seeing some other two dollar tramp.

Now, he did it again. I don't know what else to think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:42pm
well, then you have every right to be upset and worried. so sorry. my EX cheated and so I know a little bit of what you're going through right now. ((big hugs)) what's your plan of action? have you posted on the betrayed spouses board?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 1:57pm

ok, you have been together for 5 years and he cheated on youy the first year but not in the past 4 years...


You ahve gotten closer during the past four years and you have learned to rely on him but yet you remain suspicious because he announced the meeting in a different manner than what he usually does and that, in itself, made you suspicious to the point where you checked into it.


What I would do in this situation is this... you know that there is no meeting even though he told you there is... but, you don't know what he is going to do with his time... why not wait it out and see? Unless you have more conclusive proof of his intentions you are only making assumptions and to leap into an accusation at this point may leave you empty handed.


Remember, knowledge is power - you have the knowledge that he didn't tell you the truth but you do not know the motivation for it. Granted, it isn't good to lie but this may turn out to be something other than what you are assuming it is.


Wait until you have more knowledge of how he spent his time. Watch his actions, see what you can detect. But, know exactly what you are accusing him of if you decide to accuse him.


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 2:19pm
I don't think anyone's denying the fact that you are a "Damn Fine Woman," but there remains a few facts here that should clarify the situation.

First of all... you're getting married. And you're getting married to a man who's cheated on you once before and have reason to believe is cheating on you now. Now, for whatever reason, it doesn't really matter why, the fact that you assume that he's cheating on you again would make one wonder how much you really trust him. The fact that you can't bring yourself to discuss it with him in a logical matter (i.e. Sweetie, there's no pta meeting today, what's going on?) makes me wonder how strong your relationship is. Neither of these things have anything to do with your sparkling personalities. It has everything to do with the strength of your relationship and your ability to communicate about your relationship.

I feel your pain, it hurts when someone cheats on you. And it can make it hard to trust that person again. However, you made the decision to continue this relationship. And again you made the decision to further the relationship by getting married (as saying no is an option). You can't blame him anymore for what happened 4 years ago. If you're still going to use this as an explanation of your feelings toward him, than you're being a hypocrite. You had an opportunity after you first found out to continue the relationship and apparently you decided that you wanted to be with him regardless of his behavior. If you're going to use that as an excuse for why you can't trust him now, than it's pretty obvious you haven't forgiven him and therefore don't trust him to care about your feelings, leading me to think that there's every reason why you shouldn't get married.

But again, all of this information is heresay. You still don't know what he's doing. He hasn't told you and you haven't asked. And until you do so, then all of this is speculation. But if you're willing to assume the worst, than I can only assume the worst for your engagement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 2:43pm
I really want to thank everyone for replying to my message. It's true, that in the past four years, he's been completely faithful, he's a wonderful person...he's my best friend. And although I never bring up the fact that he cheated on me 5 years ago, and the pain is gone, I'll never forget what he did to me. But I have forgiven him. Still, every now and then, not often, but every now and then my defenses go up. But he doesn't know. I love him with every beat of my heart and I just hope that I'm ALL wrong about what's happening.

Once again, thanks for the advice. I'll keep you all posted on what really goes down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 5:58pm
Hmmm...trying to think what I would do...I think that this was posted Tuesday. So, is there any way that tomorrow before the "PTA meeting" you could stop by school to drop off dinner (since I'm under the impression he isn't leaving to catch dinner)? You could see what happens.

Also, since your wedding is in June, if you haven't had a shower already, there could be one in the works!

I hope that your suspicions aren't true. I do think that we all need to trust our gut instincts a bit more and you certainly do sound convinced. I hope you don't mind my saying so, but even though it was 4 years ago that he cheated on you, perhaps you really truly aren't over it if that is the first conclusion that you automatically jump to? I'm not saying you haven't forgiven him, but how you reacted may mean that you yourself have serious questioning to do before that June date arrives.

But hey, what do I know? I'm 29 and divorced!

Good luck and keep up posted.

Kelly

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