He's great, but...
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| Tue, 12-20-2005 - 9:14pm |
About two months ago, my on-and-off boyfriend/best friend of three years decided to end things amicably because I accused him of being immature and he accused me of trying to make him grow up faster than he was ready to and our arguments were getting nowhere. Not two weeks later, I met this guy at a party and we hit it off really well. He's smoking hot, we have so much in common, and he's an absolute gentleman. He said he wasn't looking for a relationship, so we agreed to just casually date for awhile. Two weeks later, he brought me to his house and I met his parents and his adorable little sister. The next week, he said that he was really glad he met me and that he wanted to be exclusive. We've been together for about a month now, and I'm totally satisfied with the relationship, but I'm afraid that I'm still not totally over my ex. I mean at this point there's really no chance that I would get back together with him because we don't even talk anymore, but I can't help thinking about him and feeling like he's the only person that would ever care about me that deeply (probably because he was the first guy I ever fell in love with). I've decided to give my new relationship some time because I still don't know him very well and I want to give him the opportunity to get to know me, but I don't want to do that if there's any possibility that I could hurt him.
Is it too soon to start dating seriously? I mean, I'm not obsessed with this guy, but I really do care about him and the last thing I want to do is hurt him, especially if I'm not totally emotionally invested in the relationship. This guy is nothing less than the best thing that has happened to me (he's treated me with more respect in the last four weeks than my ex showed me in three years)and I don't want him to waste his time with me if I'm not being fair to him.

Um, quit reading those "rules" books dear, and you'll see the picture.
You're doing a ton of assuming and projecting. You're assuming because you've met his parents - he's "serious" about you as a person in his life in the future - not true.
You're assuming because he's agreed to physical exclusivity for the sake of his health - he's interested in emotional bond - not true.
The guy has known you a month and found that you're sexually willing, and you're fun and charming to be around, and you're willing to be around on his terms and schedule.
My God what is there NOT to be exclusive with...and he's stated firmly he's not seeking a relationship.
He expected you take him at his word. That meant that all the assumptions and projections women tend to do about what this action means, and waht this statement meant - is off limits to you. It's irrelevant.
he's told you outright he's NOT interested in a relationship. He sleeps iwth anybody that is willing and attractive withouot knowing the personally (you're not the exception, you fall into the "rule").......and he's willing to be exclusive because that's in his long term and short term best interests.
he's now free to enjoy you when and how he wants that you mutually agree to - without having any obligation to you whatsoever becuase he "doesn't want a relationship and you knew that going in."
Dating is NOT about relationships. Dating is about enjyoing this person in the moments you spend together and NOT considering them when yo're not in the presence of one another That is precisely what he's doing...he simply didn't want to mislead you itno thinking he cares about your feelings or needs, or is accountable and resopnsible for them - by sleeping with you and dating you.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com