He's hot/cold
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He's hot/cold
| Sun, 06-24-2007 - 11:43pm |
I'm 40, have 3 kids and am divorced long enough to be ready to find a man for my future - I met a super guy, and we've dated for 3+ months, several times a week including a 3day weekend with the kids and a week alone at the beach.
When we go out, he's talkative, engaged and funny - Most weekdays he writes me several emails from work, text messages all hours of day and night on everything from chitchat to current events to missing me... We talk on the phone for hours and have kept "the future" as an open option.
But every other weekend, almost like clockwork, he disappears! I mean no messages by phone, email, text, etc. I text him saying "how's it going?" or "whatcha doing?" and he just doesn't respond - 24-48 hours with zero communication, and never an apology or explanation -
I've given him his breathing room so please don't go there; he knows I completely support him in terms of time with his family and friends - I've just mentioned that he should let me know that he is checking out a day or two and then I'd be fine. Just let me know! Instead I get the cell phone crickets and am left wondering... Is this one of those days? It just happened - 36 hours with no contact and then I called him and he said "oh hey yeah I should have sent you a message or something, huh?"...
Please don't beat me up for overreacting or making something out of nothing; I'm not - I'm fully engaged in a daily, lively friendship and developing romance; and he drops in and out when he wants to - Should I be doing the same?
When we go out, he's talkative, engaged and funny - Most weekdays he writes me several emails from work, text messages all hours of day and night on everything from chitchat to current events to missing me... We talk on the phone for hours and have kept "the future" as an open option.
But every other weekend, almost like clockwork, he disappears! I mean no messages by phone, email, text, etc. I text him saying "how's it going?" or "whatcha doing?" and he just doesn't respond - 24-48 hours with zero communication, and never an apology or explanation -
I've given him his breathing room so please don't go there; he knows I completely support him in terms of time with his family and friends - I've just mentioned that he should let me know that he is checking out a day or two and then I'd be fine. Just let me know! Instead I get the cell phone crickets and am left wondering... Is this one of those days? It just happened - 36 hours with no contact and then I called him and he said "oh hey yeah I should have sent you a message or something, huh?"...
Please don't beat me up for overreacting or making something out of nothing; I'm not - I'm fully engaged in a daily, lively friendship and developing romance; and he drops in and out when he wants to - Should I be doing the same?

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Thanks Snafu -
I think you are on to something - I think he is just pulling back - He is feeling like it is "deeper" and more serious than he wants and he just needs that downtime/guy time - or not-with-girlfriend time -
That's perfectly OK with me, I have just asked him to let me know when he's "off network" - Hey, take 2-3 days whenever you want, just TELL me so I'm not sending messages and making calls that won't be answered! Seems reasonable to me...
He says "it's not my intention to do it, sorry" and that is about all I get -
It has happened at least 4 weekends over the last few months, and it has definitely caused ME to pull back too!
It is a major undertaking for a single Mom with 3 kids to find a guy who wants a quality marriage as the end goal = I get all that = so he may just be reflecting on all of the components besides "me and him".
Hey Halle -
Thanks for the note - I do consider that he could be seeing someone else, and I appreciate that perspective = I hope not, but it certainly has that feel to it!
When I ask him WHY do you do this, he just gets kind of sheepish and says he doesn't know why, doesn't mean to do it, not doing it intentionally... stuff like that = Seems to not be taking responsibility for it - And then he apologizes and gets right back in the groove of taking me out, coming over and helping me with kids and dinners and house stuff - I've been through the cycle at least 4 times now, and frankly, each time I hoist the red flag a bit higher!
Have the 2 of you discussed being exclusive?
This happened to me twice, with 2 different guys. Both times, there were other women involved.
This just isn't cool...happened to me and there was another woman. Don't get hung up in all the wonderful times when you are together...remember what he does to you every other weekend, especially since it occurs regularly. I would think if he were "pulling back" that it would be more random.
Get answers from him! You deserve them! At the same time, protect yourself and be prepared.
I hope I'm wrong!
~Kelly~
If it wasn't for it being every other weekend like clockwork, I'd say it was pretty normal, but it doesn't sound like it.
I personally disagree that at three months he needs to let you know when he's going to not call for a couple of days, it's a bit much to ask, it's not like you are engaged or married or even quite serious, but hey, to each their own.
I hope all of us thinking what we're thinking are all wrong and he has some charity work at some retirement home that he does every other weekend. *have* you two discussed being exclusive? Becuase if you haven't, he does have the right to still be seeing someone else, as do you. Just would be nice to know if that's the case so you can make an informed decision. Some guys "leave that out" for fear of a really really bad reaction from the woman, but the only way to remedy that is to broach the subject in a non-confrontational way.
Best,
~~.: Sandra :.~~
HI Sandra and everyone -
Thank you again for the opportunity to talk it out -
We agreed, before we had sex, that we were exclusive and would not subject each other to the discomfort of multiple dating partners.
I asked him again today if we were still exclusive and he said YES and "why on earth would you ask that?" - I said "well your disappearing routine on some weekends makes it perfectly reasonable to consider that you might be seeing someone else!"
He said NO, that he had just screwed up by dropping out - and was going to try to not do it again - I again reminded him that he was entitled to as much time as he wants or needs, (as am I) and he seems to understand and appreciate that (again)
We shall see!
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