He's hot/cold

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2007
He's hot/cold
17
Sun, 06-24-2007 - 11:43pm
I'm 40, have 3 kids and am divorced long enough to be ready to find a man for my future - I met a super guy, and we've dated for 3+ months, several times a week including a 3day weekend with the kids and a week alone at the beach.
When we go out, he's talkative, engaged and funny - Most weekdays he writes me several emails from work, text messages all hours of day and night on everything from chitchat to current events to missing me... We talk on the phone for hours and have kept "the future" as an open option.
But every other weekend, almost like clockwork, he disappears! I mean no messages by phone, email, text, etc. I text him saying "how's it going?" or "whatcha doing?" and he just doesn't respond - 24-48 hours with zero communication, and never an apology or explanation -
I've given him his breathing room so please don't go there; he knows I completely support him in terms of time with his family and friends - I've just mentioned that he should let me know that he is checking out a day or two and then I'd be fine. Just let me know! Instead I get the cell phone crickets and am left wondering... Is this one of those days? It just happened - 36 hours with no contact and then I called him and he said "oh hey yeah I should have sent you a message or something, huh?"...
Please don't beat me up for overreacting or making something out of nothing; I'm not - I'm fully engaged in a daily, lively friendship and developing romance; and he drops in and out when he wants to - Should I be doing the same?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 1:06am

It's nice when communication works out that way. How about that. ;) Keep your fingers crossed he got the point this time. Let's also remember he is entitled to a few weekends of alone time as are you, too. Heads-up is nice, not mandatory, keep yourself busy too.

Best of luck!

~~.: Sandra :.~~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 8:49am

I dont think you're over-reacting, it's weird, it doesn't sound like you're crowding him or asking for much but for him to say he's alive, I'd consider asking casually if he has a secret life! You're just asking for a reasonable explanation


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 12:14pm
"he had just screwed up by dropping out" - did you guys agree at the start of the relationship that there would be times where you could "drop out" with no questions asked? Obviously he assumed that he was not obligated to notify you. Everyone has such different ideas of what a dating relationship entails it is a wonder that any relationship goes smoothly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2007
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 12:43pm

Wow, you are all awesome - Thank you - Talk therapy is truly the best!

I realize that I need a perspective adjustment - I need to take a breath and look at this as DATING not a relationship at this point - He's a neat guy, but if I'm this uncomfortable 3 months in, I should pay attention to those feelings and how I'm bringing them on to myself -

I WANT a relationship, but only with the right guy, and there just hasn't been enough time to establish that he is 'the one' - And he is entitled to the same test drive with me! So... I need to see this as a series of dates and take the time to get to know each other - No one gets to 40 without stories and histories = That is what makes us rich and wonderful!

For me, to go from 30+ messages, calls, txts from him in one day to total stone cold silence the next day, not even responding to incoming at all for a couple of days.... that's weird, and frankly a bit rude - But from HIS (reasonable) perspective it may just be his style or may be what he wants - It's not anything wrong with me!

Thanks a million, gang - I'm spending the weekend enjoying the heck out of my children!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 1:35pm

I agree that it is rude to not return a call. I guess the question I would ask myself is, "do I want a relationship with someone who does this?"

"It's not anything wrong with me!" - true. I know there are women out there who would accept any behavior or treatment just so they can have a relationship. Glad to hear you are not one of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 1:12pm

Just a thought (and sorry for the hat) but people have a choice to focus on negative things, or to focus on positive things. Whatever a person focuses on is what they will bring, usher, or welcome into their lives.

It sounds as though you're choosing to focus on the poitive aspects, such as having a whole weekend with your kids, reconnecting with them, and that's awesome! Even if the answers arent' always what we want to hear, it's also terrific to have open, honest discussions which it sounds as though you've had with him. It also sounds as though you're taking a step back, perspective-wise and seeing this for what it is, a dating situation where you look and see if things in his life will gel in your life. These are all good things!

There's no reason to get wrapped around the axle if someone isn't being or acting the way you want, it's much more important to see them the way they truly *are.*

All the best,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2007
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 7:32pm

Thank you for the warming words -
I have learned a lot about myself since ending my 14 year marriage a few years ago, and it seems that I have been looking for others to puff me up or validate me - "If he isn't calling, I must be doing something wrong" or "maybe I need to be doing X or Y or Z..." -

How silly! I am a good and whole person, and others are good and whole as well, even if they don't meet all of my (reasonable or unreasonable) expectations! A match is a match is a match - I need to avoid trying to "make it work"!!!

I really appreciate the chance to interact on this board - Being home with 3 wild but wonderful kids means my adult contact is limited - and this is a great way for me to bounce these things off of my newest friends!

Everyone: your input and analysis is so valuable, thanks a million!

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