He's interested...again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2011
He's interested...again?
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 3:08pm

I'm dating again after my divorce and at 45, still finding trouble deciphering what the heck guys are thinking!  I was in a relationship for 6 months and he put up with a lot from me as for the first few months, I was still living with my ex-husband. (We have a young school-age child and were waiting for the school year to draw to a close). About a month after I moved into my own place, he began to pull away, not return my calls or texts and was often unavailable to go out. The last time we saw each other (6 months ago), he had come over to my place and initiated intimacy. I assumed things were still on track because of this but he became more distant.  We exchanged texts for a few weeks then finally spoke where he told me that he didn't feel that we had enough in common and wanted to spend time with someone who had similar interests. He told also that he had recently become involved with an old friend.  I was devastated as we had grown very close.  He had not met my son yet and was frustrated that there were days that I was unavailable due to parenting responsibilities.  I am cautious regarding my son and want to be sure that I have a solid relationship with someone before I allow this. I wrestled for a long time with the scenario of our last meeting and  that there was no closure face-to-face. 

For the next several months, I dated many people but couldn't get him out of my head.  We had agreed to remain friends and stay in touch which we have, although it has been mostly my efforts until recently.  Over the past few months, I have been getting my son situated in his new school district and have been seeking a new job- all of which have kept me too busy for dating.  I guess I was feeling a sense of calm in not dealing with all of it and happy where things were.  He texted me recently about my job search and we made a few friendly exchanges. I thanked him for his concern and left it at that.  Awhile later, he texted;"So do you have a boyfriend yet?"  I replied that I had been too busy with other things and had put that part of my life on hold.  There was a long pause then he responded, "I do miss seeing you".  He has since been texting me asking me how things are, if I got the job, etc.  I didn't ask if he was still seeing someone but I am still interested in him...but confused!  Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Mon, 10-28-2013 - 3:26pm

"he told me that he didn't feel that we had enough in common and wanted to spend time with someone who had similar interests. He told also that he had recently become involved with an old friend."

Since it sounds like you have the same interests as before (getting your life on track) is there any reason to think that you two now have more in common? Have your parenting responsibilities lessened? What happened to his "old friend"?

I'm going to guess that what he really wants is a booty call and that he would likely break it off again if he thinks you're becoming too "close" again or he meets somebody with more common interests. Also sounds like he's not cut out to date a single mom who cannot drop everything for him. Pass on this guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 10-29-2013 - 10:37am

Good for you for not introducing your child to someone until the relationship is solid. One piece of advice that I've read is that you should wait a good year before dating after a divorce. I know that it's great to have a new man to be affectionate with you, but it's wiser to give yourself time to grieve the divorce (even if it was your choice to end it). You also need this time to acclimate yourself and your child to a new way of living. You need to come to a place of being happy by yourself, and to reflect on what you really want in a relationship, before you can make wise decisions about choosing a new man.

You're clearly not ready to date because you're considering getting back together with someone who was seeing someone else after you had already been together for 6 months. A man who didn't put the effort into the relationship after the newness weared away. A man who stated you weren't compatible. Players actually seek out women who are attached because they don't want a serious, exclusive relationship. You were still living in a home with your estranged husband, and therefore somehow attached. This is probably what attracted him to you. When you were free and clear of the marriage home, he was out of there.

For your own good, when you date and it doesn't work out, choose not to communicate. It prevents closure. It leaves the door open for booty calls. Players are great at staying in contact, because they can reel a woman in when they're lonely and slip in a wham bam thank you ma'am without putting effort into a serious relationship. Also, your future bf won't appreciate you staying in contact with a man you had sex with. Chalk this one up to a lesson learned. When one door closes, get a hammer and nail that sucker shut! Good luck.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 11-11-2013 - 7:02pm

 "When one door closes, get a hammer and nail that sucker shut! Good luck."

Ha! I love this.