He's Just Not That Into You
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 12-08-2004 - 9:19pm |
Did anyone else see (or hear) Oprah today? I heard it on my radio! There was a talk about this new book... He's Just Not That Into You. Its based on a SATC episode. It is hilarious, but so true.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/068987474X/002-2188071-2647220?v=glance
All the chapters are "He's Just not that into you if..." (he's not asking you out, he's not calling you, he's too busy for you, etc.)
Check this book out if you are having problems...and even if you aren't. I know I'm going to read it. It seems down to earth and brutally honest. On the show they had women on there with relationship issues and his advice is if they aren't calling, if they aren't asking you out, if they aren't sure about you or the relationship, etc then they are just not into you and its probably best to move on and find someone who will treat you like a queen. Most guys will make time for a woman no matter what if he really feels she is the one. Isn't that what guys have been trying to tell us for years? :-)
I think most of women's relationship issues (being a woman myself) would be easier solved if we remembered this from time to time. Maybe we wouldn't be so sad in relationships when we are supposed to be happy!
(I by no means mean any disrespect to anyone NOR work for the creators of this book. I just saw the show today and the book sounds great)
Jen

Pages
while its true - sometimes us women arent quite quick at just "getting the message" and its even often true that even when we do get the message, we don't respond intelligently ...
but heres my perspective ... while its true that sometimes us women just need to realize and accept that "hes just not that into you," and better spend our energies/time/emotions elsewhere...MEN ARE JUST AS CRAZY! men are realllllly the catalyst, despite how innocent they would like to proclaim themselves to be.
based on my last several years of dating, and through my many discussions with dear girlfriends over endless cups of coffee - its quite easy for us to conclude how many "issues" men have and how often - THEY PROVOKE US. it seems that every guy ive dated this past year, are either bipolar, has an emotional issue, has difficulties in communicating, has attachment problem, is a liar even - etc etc...
now, i dont mean to generalize either of the sexes here, but personally, i conclude that its not just women who "havent been listening" or that we just "dont get the message," - instead a lot of men need to be more clear, stop playing games, say what they mean, work on their own issues instead of handing them over to us, .. and the list goes on ;)
just my two cents -
eeksj :)
Eeksj,
I think you make some interesting points.
Yes, there are women who don't get it. From my perspective, I see alot of women who waste their time worrying about whether or not a man likes them, and trying to get a man to like them, instead of checking in with themselves to see if this man is really someone with whom they want to spend time. There are many women who will overlook critical issues in a man (alcoholism, abuse, etc) just so that they have someone in their lives, just so they feel special, their friends and family approve of them, they can get married someday (preferably soon) and have their 2.5 kids...
I've done that too, as recently as last spring, worrying about some guy instead of really looking at myself, and seeing where this guy fits into my life.
At the same time, it seems to me that men are let off the hook far too much. They can engage in all kinds of irresponsible and disrespectful dating behavior. We encourage and perpetuate the same double standards that we complain about. We (women) just shrug our shoulders and say, "oh well, that's just how they are, that's just how it is... on to the next one." How many times does one have to say that before it sinks in that this is not okay either? Frankly, I'm tired of reading about these bad dating behaviors, and I'm tired of experiencing them.
I browsed through this book (after, btw, I came to that conclusion for myself) and to me, it's recycled information, although it is simplified. One problem I have with this book, like many other books (the Mars and Venus series) it blames women for the state of affairs in relationships. The message is, "men are this way, get over it." As usual, it's up to women to accommodate to men and how they are. I do agree that if a guy is not into you, you need to move on. Don't waste your valuable time. At that same time, what about the guy that is not into you?
I have been hard pressed to find a book directed at men on how they "should" behave in a dating situation, while there are tons of books for women on how they "should" be. If there isn't one, there needs to be one. If there is a book for men, tell me. I'll be more than happy to read it.
A~
I think it is important to understand a few basic facts about the self-help and personal development book market.
You're right, it is basic business. On that note, I am skeptical of the self-help, personal development, and basic busines combination. The main purpose seems to be about making money for the authors, the publishers, the bookstores... under the guise of "helping people." Many self-help books reinforce gender stereotypes and encourage people to think that things are as they should be... don't question, don't rock the boat.
You said, "Not many men will go out and buy 'How I need to behave in relationships' styles of books on a proactive basis."
I'm curious... why do you think that is?
A~
Here's something to consider - the author of He's Just Not That Into You is a comedian and TV show writer.
Spice, cl-spice.man@shaw.ca
... seems like we've got a bit of an interesting discussion going on here ... ! :D
and heres my take:
i take offence to the fact that fixing a relationship with a man is more important to a woman than leading her own healthy and successful life. while this statistic may be true, i do not lead my own life the same way. while i have fallen victim to having a man/relationship consume my thoughts, ultimately, however - me, myself and i is slighty more important, to say the least. furthermore, i am capable of recognizing how there are many other areas of my life that renders more importance... i admit, however, the balance is sometimes hard to reach!
personally, i think women are driven to purchase a "relationship help" book versus a "7 habits of highly effective people" - because we tend to only realize the problems of our relationship. perhaps, when our relationships are failing or when we are confused about the dating world and need answers regarding the male species - it doesnt occur to us to examine other aspects of our lives? maybe its that - when we have a dating struggle in our life - that is the only thing in our view, and other areas of our lives dont seem to necessitate as many answers??
now, i dont think its that men view their lives as a "broad canvas masterpiece" - in fact, bahumbugs to that! rather - men are probably too self-concious to go abouts presenting a book at the checkout counter called: "shes just not that into me." furthermore, not a lot of men, i think, are willing to admit that they need to examine their relationship/women problems, let alone are open to examining that part of their life. i highly doubt a man will sit with his buddy over a good ol' pitcher of beer and say: "i have committment issues; i wonder why she doesnt like me? ; what do you think i should do to open communication between me and my lady? ; should i stop playing with her head? what are the roots of my relationship problems? "
and the last point id like to make is this: it realllllly isnt always the women who needs to examine the way she dates, or who she chooses, or how she interprets a man. while its very true that we often do spend too much time focusing on figuring him out when we should have better spent that energy on realizing that hes not even suited for us ... at the same time, men have just as many issues themselves and are often a catalyst for us women going "crazy." theyre are a lot of great fishes out there, im sure - but, quite frankly, im feeling kinda' tired of the emotionally unstable or problematic men ive been meeting. these silly games that men seem to enjoy playing become quite tiring easily... instead of me being told: "if he doesnt call you, just get the point that hes not that into you," - itd be nice for men to be told: "if youre not interested in her, dont tell her youre going to call!" like sheez - ive been sitting here this past week pining over this guy whose obviousy done a great job at playing me - well, heres my take, i GET that youre not interested - and i have no choice but to accept it. but hey-ho here, i dont need to be told: "hes just not that into you," when quite obviously - he led me on! its really not me then who needs a self help book on dating - in fact, i beleive HE should go out and fetch himself one on "dating etiquette 101" ...
just my two cents :D
eeksj.
You said, "Spend $20 and by the Stephen R. Covey - Seven Habits of Highly Effective People - and you will gain a better understanding."
Thanks for the suggestion, but I already have that book. Do you recommend any other books?
If men are really learning new skills and attitudes, many of them are not applying these skills and attitudes to the realm of relationships. Men are hailed as being very intelligent and great problem-solvers, as well as direct and to the point. I find it ironic that many men do not apply these skills and attitudes in their relationships with women. Instead, many continue to contribute to the confusion surrounding relationships. As I've said before, women have their share of issues, and we've been taking a lion's share of blame for relationships not working out. I think men need to be accountable for their issues as well.
I would like to acknowledge that there are alot of good men out there... would like to meet more of them... but there are alot of bad ones that need a freakin' clue.
So, if men are not going to read books about relationships, how do you suggest men learn accountability?
A~
You might benefit from reading Terrance Real's book, How Can I Get Through to You? He's a therapist who writes from the perspective of a man who, like many men, was brought up to not be an equal partner in the communication/emotion side of a r'ship, and about learning that he needed to change his perspective in order to have a happy, healthy r'ship. Granted, many fewer men than women are likely to read his book, but I found it helpful to understanding the thought-process of many men. He thinks that there really needs to be a sea change in the way men are brought up, or most women are going to end up frustrated, though! Not that he's saying men are bad or wrong...more that society has really done them a disservice and caused them to be disconnected from a potential source of great happiness, because they just don't have the skills to breach the gap.
I'm not putting it very well, but I think it's a very helpful book. I am going to ask my SO to read it if we ever get to the point of moving forward into a serious, committed r'ship.
Sheri
Pages