He's On My Mind But He's Not Mine

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
He's On My Mind But He's Not Mine
5
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 10:46am
I am in a relationship with an older guy. It has its challenges, but it has gotten much better since the relationship began about three years ago, or a little longer now.
But, about that same time, I started taking a martial arts class. One of the guys there had captured my attention. I don't even remember when. Seems like I always had an interest in him. He used to drop me off after class a lot. I would walk down, then someone would take me home after class. It is a short ride, but we talked and stuff, got to know each other a bit. Obviously, he gets to me even though I am involved. I feel badly about it. The fact that he had, still does sometimes, dropped me off at home after class and that we talked and stuff is not a secret to my SO. He knows most of my classmates. They know we hang out as well.
I have some reason to believe that my training partner could be interested in me. Of course, I don't know whether it's wishful thinking because we all like to be noticed. We are in close contact as part of class, but he touches my back or shoulder after drills and asks if I am OK all of the time (I had a shoulder injury a while back). He noticed my haircut and said it was "cute." On Saturday after class he dropped me off. My school is participating in a competition in Mexico this weekend and I was going but circumstances with new ownership at work have ruined this trip for me. Anyway, when I got out of the car, he said that he wished I could go to Mexico. I am so attached to his attention when I get some, that I would be hurt if he were to start dating someone, which he hasn't at all for the nearly four years that I have been training with him. I would be hurt, and I'm dating someone else!
These people I train with are nice people. I don't know if he's just being nice, or if he would be interested if - I just don't know. He has been a bit distracted all week. He even told one of the other black belts that he has a lot on his mind right now.
I haven't been able to get him off my mind lately. I am not really unhappy with my SO so I feel so badly for the fact that I wonder about this potential interest from my classmate.
I feel like a crazed 16 year old. How do I get him off my mind?

lorie6-26-09.png Lorie 6-26-09 picture by runningwomen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:53am
In my experience someone who's "perfectly happy with their SO" isn't consumed with thoughts of another's admiration, level of interest, dating status, etc. You know you have a serious problem when you'd be upset if your martial arts partner started dating someone. Platonic friends (real true friends) don't feel that way. I think you need to take a good long look at yourself and the choices you are making for yourself. If your relationship was everything you wanted and needed, and your self-esteem was healthy and positive, you wouldn't have this guy on your mind so much nor would his level of interest matter SO much to you. Time for some looking in the mirror IMO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 12:17pm
True, my self esteem sucks, that's one reason I chose to step outside of my comfort zone to try a new adventure like martial arts. I was good at being a student. I like to learn and I love sports. But yeah, I was the definitely never the one anyone found attractive while growing up. Until my sophomore year in college, I had thick glasses. Then I got conotacts which helped some. Perhaps it is some strange affirmation that someone my own age finally noticed that there is more to me than what the outside is lacking, although my SO says that physically I'm not lacking. Watched some of those makeover shows recently and found my (formerly against) self envying those people who finally get to be "perfect.

lorie6-26-09.png Lorie 6-26-09 picture by runningwomen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 12:35pm
OMG don't waste your time envying those made-over "swans" on TV. Nobody is perfect. We ALL wish something was different (or "better" in the eyes of society) about ourselves. For goodness sake what you look like doesn't determine how happy you are. Believe it or not being rich, beautiful or famous doesn't mean you're happy. And ultimately it's the **whole package** of a person that you fall in love with or that falls in love with you. Please realize that only healthy, happy individuals can develop healthy, happy relationships. IOW if you aren't healthy and happy as an individual, no relationship will make you so, no matter who it's with. My suggestion to you is to stop spending so much of your time thinking about your friend. Instead, spend that time reading books that will help you on the road to a better self view (try Phil McGraw or Richard Carlson). Once you feel good about yourself, you'll hopefully realize that you don't have to settle for just any person who comes along and thinks you're nice. You'll be able to hold out and look for someone who's right for you in every way. One, because you deserve no less than that. Two, because you won't so desperately need other's admiration and attention to feel you are worthy of finding that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 4:06pm

I know exactly how you feel, I'm also in a wonderful relationship but i'm into someone else. i hate feeling like i'm in highschool again. at least you know u know him. the guy i'm into isn't exactly a friend but i don't know what to call him. my crush has been going on for 3 years. long story short, he and i met but never really spoke, just stared a lot and i never said anything and neither did he and we both got into other relationships and it's like a feeling i can't get rid of. i just have this strong feeling that he's interested as much as i am but the fact is we waited too long. he used to be everywhere i was at one point but now that my bf is always with me he's never around and i don't know if that means anything, but i did the same thing when i found out he hoooked up with someone else. it realy hurts when i see him with someone else but then again i'm with someone too. i know what ur going through and it's hard. i've had this problem for so long and everyone tells me that something must be wrong with my current relationship, but there's nothing wrong with it. it's actually perfect. this other guy just has something that i cant get rid of. if u get any good advice, i would love to hear it.

good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 4:55pm
Another poster brought up the self esteem thing. I do lack a bit there, and everyone likes to be noticed. But I know how you feel about the feelings not going away. It has been a bit longer than that for me, and I still have the "silly" crush. I can't believe it. It's so strange. It's not like me to be irrational. But one of my friends said, "Hey, you can't help it when someone captures your mind."
But if I'm with someone else, I feel like I should help it.
Like you said, maybe one of us waited too long.
I know it's tough.
Good luck to you too.
Lorie

lorie6-26-09.png Lorie 6-26-09 picture by runningwomen