He's Not Marriage Material
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He's Not Marriage Material
| Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:30pm |
I've been with my bf for almost 2 years. He's 28 and I'm 22. When I first started dating him I didn't think it would last because we were total opposites and for other certain reasons. However, I fell in love with him. He's great, we get along like I never have with anyone before. We can totally be ourselves with each other, i mean (i know it sounds bad) we can openly burp and pass gas together without feeling uncomfortable, but i mean we were able to do this shortly after we started dating. We can talk about anything and everything seems pretty good.
Even throughout all this i still feel like i shouldn't be in this realtionship because the future doesn't look too great. let me explain now...remind you he's 28. he doesn't know how to save money, he's the spend the paycheck when you get it and impulse buyer kinda person, which means how could he support me and family? and i am the type who saves for when needed, so i'm well off for myself. he doesn't take great care of himself no matter how much i bug him about it, he smokes all the time, drinks coffee cup after cup and is becoming overweight because he doesn't eat properly. i am totally healthly, well the total opposite of him. i told him i won't marry a smoker because i don't want to sit at his death bed, he shows concern, but not enough. oh yea and he sleeps alot..i mean he can sleep a whole day through sometimes. so doesn't this mean that everything he does will only get worse after marriage??
so of course i tell him all of my concerns, and he tries to change...but not much of anything is different. so i just would like to hear some thoughts from anyone. the relationship is great but to future doesn't look like it will go to well and i'm scared of what would happen if i stayed with him forever...but i do love him soooooo much.....
Even throughout all this i still feel like i shouldn't be in this realtionship because the future doesn't look too great. let me explain now...remind you he's 28. he doesn't know how to save money, he's the spend the paycheck when you get it and impulse buyer kinda person, which means how could he support me and family? and i am the type who saves for when needed, so i'm well off for myself. he doesn't take great care of himself no matter how much i bug him about it, he smokes all the time, drinks coffee cup after cup and is becoming overweight because he doesn't eat properly. i am totally healthly, well the total opposite of him. i told him i won't marry a smoker because i don't want to sit at his death bed, he shows concern, but not enough. oh yea and he sleeps alot..i mean he can sleep a whole day through sometimes. so doesn't this mean that everything he does will only get worse after marriage??
so of course i tell him all of my concerns, and he tries to change...but not much of anything is different. so i just would like to hear some thoughts from anyone. the relationship is great but to future doesn't look like it will go to well and i'm scared of what would happen if i stayed with him forever...but i do love him soooooo much.....

an you're 22 now...meaning when you met you were 20 and you assumed, as the life-inexperenced do, that as people age they mature. so you figure you were 20 in body and 20 in emotional and mental capacities - and he was 28 and this was "how 28 was" - to be just like you - not so focused or prioritizing the future, just living in the moment and enjoying it for what it is.
But like the maturing person you are - you're now 22 and realizing that as you age, you must change your priorities...and you're doing it. And he's still the same emotional and mental 17 year old with those same priorities as when you met.
You're absolutely right - he's NOT marriage material, and if you continue to datehim long enough, he'll absolutely repel you with his immaturity.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Also, he is not a piece of clay that you get to mold into something you want. You may motivate change in him but rarely will your boundaries force change in him. Consider your expectations of a partner as you choose your personal boundaries. Also consider which expectations you will own 100% as well. Its a partnership where if you have the best skill at something then you should take ownership of it. It is not a HE needs to look after YOU arrangement.
But....your life is your responsibility. You'll never become what you don't make of yourself. The people you affiliate in life if they share your values, priorities, goals, and defnitions of a great life and how to pursue it - you're ging to get what you want out of life without having to nag, control, manipulate all to no avail...while failing to get what you want while getting heartache, financial upset, and negative repercussions in every regard.
So, it's your obligation to yourself in life to affiliate with people that share your values and desires in life - so that you're always running on parallel tracks in teh same direction.
You two are like two trains running in opposite directions on parallel tracks. He stopped here a long time ago and refuses to move....you are "intending" to move on and become more financially secure, emotionally balanced, mature, successful, secure, and complete...and he's not willing to move. But intentions don't mean anything if you don't act on them. Intentions don't "make things happen".
At this moment, you just aren't taking into account that technically if you would move - it'd be in an oposite direction should he move also. But he's staying where he is by choice...because his values justify and entitle him to it he "values" what is there at this moment and that something is not you. He was where he is - prior to meeting you.
Feelings are not facts, goals and calls to action. Theyre a result of situations and situations are perpetually changing.
I tend to think of relationships like yours in this way. Because I had plenty of them, married a few of them and lived with the results which are unpleasant and long-term.
If you want to date someone for fun, sex, companionship because they're so witty, charming, sexy, desirable, so spontaneous and delightful in the present time - that's great. Just realize that your responsibility to your future is in your hands and this person in the long term is NOT heading in your direction. And you can proceed to date for several years as it suits your emotional, mental, spiritual, physical, financial, and professional state to "date them" - without ever considering "the future". Because you already know that if you were being impacted by their values and style in a situation of responsiblity and commitment (marriage) you'd be at odds and you'd be compromising your potential. So you KNOW that you're not going to do it. Your rational mind has told you and you concur - this relationship would destroy my life, despite the fun and enjoyment of it right now.
With that approach, you can stay there as long as you're remaining responsible for your future and at the point where your future is potentially compromised by staying in this spot - you move on. Yes, it hurts...because anybody that you've enjoyed, it hurts to leave. But, your obligationt o you will make you do it....becuase here's what you'll have accepted by "staying" this long.
Life doesn't stand still......every day that you're staying with him you're not meeting other people, pursuing other options nad opportunities that are out there. When you do start moving - those people, situations, opportunities and options will not exist as they were had you moved on earlier. And so yu won't stay fearful of "am I missing out on finding someone that is right for me" - because you've determined for you right now - this person is right and when you're ready to think about your future - you'll move on.
And when you move on...you won't do it in a rush of anger or fear. You'll know logically and rationally you've stayed long enough, you've let enough opportunities and relationships move past your ability to be involved in and you're now ready to pursue the rest of your life - knowing if you never meet anybody else, you're fine with that, as well.
Another way to view it is like breast cancer......as you know it right now, this relationship is like a cancerous breast on your body. You KNOW based on your self-aware goals and desires for your life - that this relationship will not fulfill you, nor allow you to reach your potential. So, you've got breast cancer.....and right now you're researching options while enjoying still having both breasts, but you're seriously looking at the future and saying there is no way to save this based on the prognosis by medical professionals (in this relationship's case - you're the medical expert on your condition - your needs, your goals, your values). You're researching the options for how much removal...and you're researching what you're going to do once it is removed so that you can restructure your life so that you're not "half breasted".
In relationships like this...just like breast cancer....rarely is it the best option to remove just the tumor and not the breast. It's necessary to remove the entire thing, o determine if there's been invasion into the rest of your life by the cancerous cells - your identity, self-esteem, values, and goals.
Since at this time you're not ready for marriage or to pursue life goals overmuch- so the breast cancer isn't spreading - you have the time and ability to enjoy both breasts, come to terms with the removal of it, and research and plan for that reality so that you "move on with a plan".
And the day that you're ready to undergo the removal, you will, without regret because by then it will have worried, upset, and prohibited you "getting on with your life" - that life without a breast which once seemed so bleak, is now desired because this would relieve you of your doubts, worries, stress, and allow you to proceed with your life. And that of that willingness will be because you have a plan to live fully "without a breast".
YOu can't hurt him based on your leaving...it will hurt to lose you, but in reality if he respected and admired you as a person vs. liked the benefits of being with you - he'd be encouraging you to move on because at his age without life goals, without having past successes - it's that he doesn't know the method of success nad likely will never become one. If he respected you enough - he'd tell you to leave. He likes the benefits more than he likes you - so he encourages you to stay.
There's a saying "misery loves company"...that's very true. I find it ironic that nobody focuses on the flip side of that equation....that "successful solo" means you could not be miserable.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com