He's not sure he's in love
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He's not sure he's in love
| Fri, 05-07-2004 - 3:18pm |
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months. They have been very fulfilling, but at the same time challenging. His job sent him overseas for over a month and he just returned, only to be demoted. And this current job is contractual and will end soon. He wants to go back to school and has been considering moving back home- which is out of state. He has asked me to move with him or has asked me to consider a long-distance relationship. I would rather he stayed here and went to school here.
So I asked him about his feelings for me. This past week has been very emotional and stressful. I specifically brought up love because he has never said he loves me! He says he "likes" me, "cares about me a lot" and now he has "strong feelings" for me. Well he said he didn't know what love felt like, was not sure if he was in love and it was "too soon" to tell! He got very defensive and wanted to know why i was "rushing things" and how he wanted to take his "time." He kept saying love comes in "time."
I got very upset and now our communication seems very strained. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I am feeling insecure about the relationship and wondering how a guy can ask a girl to make such committments and still not be sure he's in love?!?
He looks at love as such a heavy burden I think and I am afraid this is not going to go anywhere! HELP
So I asked him about his feelings for me. This past week has been very emotional and stressful. I specifically brought up love because he has never said he loves me! He says he "likes" me, "cares about me a lot" and now he has "strong feelings" for me. Well he said he didn't know what love felt like, was not sure if he was in love and it was "too soon" to tell! He got very defensive and wanted to know why i was "rushing things" and how he wanted to take his "time." He kept saying love comes in "time."
I got very upset and now our communication seems very strained. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I am feeling insecure about the relationship and wondering how a guy can ask a girl to make such committments and still not be sure he's in love?!?
He looks at love as such a heavy burden I think and I am afraid this is not going to go anywhere! HELP

You can't insist that somebody be in love with you.
Start
Dear.... you aren't seeing this for what it is. This man has no commitment to you or to having any sort of future with you. You know that. But why would that stop him from trying to get you to move for him? Or agree to date long distance? After all, that would be great for him, wouldn't it?
If someone walked up to you and asked you to give them $10 just because they wanted you to, would you do it?
There's nothing complicated here. Give people an inch and they will take a mile. Your boyfriend's no exception. The fact that you're even wondering what to do about this says that you've been way too accommodating to your boyfriend up until now. Otherwise, he wouldn't dream for a minute that you'd go along with his plans.
Seven months isn't very long to have dated, and obviously he's not serious about you or a future with you. He won't even say he loves you. And he's trying to blame you now by accusing you of "pressuing him". Hon, he's not ready for any type of commitment, and he's not interesed in one, either.
You simply say to him, "Goodbye and good luck." It's already over, and you know it. Move on and find a man who is willing to commit to you and build a future with you. Good luck.
People go at their own paces. Just because he isn't saying he's gaga over her doesn't mean he isn't. It means he wants to make sure of it.
I don't quite understand how you jumped from her statements to saying he's not that committed to her... he asked her to move with him, no? That says volumes. And I don't see where you get that he's taking a mile from her either... He's just come back from overseas, got demoted and is looking to better his life and himself. Nothing wrong with that... And nothing wrong if the OP wants to stay and make her life where she is right now either.
The only issue here is that he's moving and the OP has some decisions to make in regards to that. But how you got out of her post that he's using her goes beyond me.
The fact that he's asking her to move with him, in your opinion, "speaks volumes". What it says to ME is that this guy has a good thing going, and he doesn't want it to stop! Period. It does NOT say he has intention of marrying her, now or in the future, or of even heading in that direction. He even has the nerve to ask her to uproot her life completely, and then in the same breath, tell her she is "rushing things" and that he wants to "take his time". How utterly selfish this man is. I mean, he won't even tell her he loves her. That speaks volumes too, don't you think?
This man wants it all HIS way. Of course he wants her to move. It would make it a whole lot easier for HIM. He'd have her by his side to ease the transition, to alleviate his loneliness, to help him get readjusted. But what is SHE getting out of it?
She will leave her friends, family (if she has any), job, way of life, place where she lives.... FOR WHAT? He's made NO commitment to her.. He says he "likes" her, "cares about her a lot" and now he has "strong feelings" for her. So what! Of course he will say this.... he doesn't want to lose the good thing he's got going, especially now that he's going to have to adjust to some changes in his life. All of his "suggestions" are in HIS BEST INTEREST, not in hers. And that's what she doesn't yet completely understand, because of course it hurts to understand this. But that's the reality of her situation.
She'd be an utter fool to move for him. Regardless of her situation. Even if she's unemployed or has few friends where she is now.
I stand by my earlier post. In my opinion, her relationship with this guy is over. Or put another way... it's not going anywhere, and chances are miniscule it ever will.
I think you're placing your own expectations onto this guy and how he should react... "I mean, he won't even tell her he loves her. That speaks volumes too, don't you think?" I think it says he's not ready yet. And like I said, many of my male friends have felt the same way and after a year, they said it and they are still with those girls...
My whole point here was to say that it is dangerous to expect someone to react in the way you would or that you think is appropriate. Just because he is not doing things in the way you think it should be done, does not by any stretch mean he's using her. We'd need to know more details of the relationship to determine that...
There is no way to tell what may or may not happen if she does or does not move with him. I also said in my post that she could choose to stay where she is. This is all about choices and what works for her. The only things we know is that he is thinking about moving, he's asked her to move with him or have an LDR and she's now faced with some decisions... Jumping to conclusions past that is dangerous in my opinion...