He's Obsessed
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 05-11-2006 - 11:37am |
I have known my friend "Andy" for about two years now. When we met I was married, but now my ex and I are in the process of finalizing our divorce. But before all that happened by ex was in another state for 8 months for his job. But we saw each other every other weekend. He left to go do this in Feb of 05. Before he left Andy was active in the dating world and would frequently ask me for advice and tell me about his dates. But as soon as my ex left he suddenly seemed too busy to date. I found out two months later that he liked me more than a friend. I let him know that my feelings didn't go beyond friendship and never would. Andy is a nice guy but he's not my type and I honestly don't find him attractive at all. He's not ugly or anything like that but it's just not there for me. Anyway I have been seeing someone else for almost 3 months now and Andy is very upset about that. And refuses to be in the same room as my boyfriend. And everytime Andy and I see eachother face to face (we're co-workers) I hate the way he looks at me. It's like this lustful adoring look in his eyes and it creeps me out. Also I'm struggling a bit financially and he keeps offering to give me money. I keep refusing as I don't want to encourage him in any innapropriate behavior. Also he got a tattoo recently after I mentioned that I like men with tattoos and even went to see my tattoo artist even though he lives no where close to where she works. He always has to come get a hug when he's leaving work. And sometimes he invades my personal space when we're having a conversation.
Well to sum things up he still won't date. He keeps telling me I'm cute and doing all these other things that makes me uncomfortable. I don't know how to tell him to stop without being very mean; so what do I do?

I think Andy is crossing the boundaries of what it means to be a real friend. From what you describe, it does sound like he is infatuated with you. He isn't able or willing to stop thinking of you as a love interest. So it's going to be nearly impossible for you to be friendly toward him, because he will continue to confuse any friendly gesture from you as encouragement to keep trying.
But let me understand something. Have you have actually talked to Andy about this situation? Have you ever said to him: "I like you Andy, as a friend and coworker, but it seems to me that you might be looking for something more. I would like us to be friends but there aren't any romantic feelings."
If you have had that conversation, and he is still flirting, pursuing and invading your space and making you uncomfortable, then he is not honoring the friendship. You should distance yourself from him for your own peace of mind. And hopefully, he will get REAL and get on with his own lovelife. That means you need to set your OWN boundaries with this man. When he comes around you at the office, you should be pleasant and cordial, but cut the conversations short. You stop hanging out with him. You stop letting him hug you. You stop talking to him about your personal business. And there's no reason to keep bringing your dates around him.
Yes, this could be a difficult situation, not only because you consider Andy a friend and don't want to hurt his feelings, but because you work together. So definitely keep the relationship talk OUT of the office. You'll have to transform your office relationship into a strictly professional one.
I know this won't be easy, but I hope you find the courage and proper way to handle it. Good luck.
Andy is making a mistake in trying to maintain a friendship with someone (you) he has feelings for. But, it's an understandable mistake ... people try it all the time ... but don't realize that they're just hurting themselves by trying to do so.
It does sound like his behavior is getting a little borderling "creepy." And, sure no, you don't want to have to be mean about it. Sounds like you might just have to ease off the friendship, little at a time ... nothing confrontational ... just a gradual weening off the friendship. That way, it won't hit Andy as hard ... and he'll be less likely to feel rejected by you. Though, sure yes, he most likely feels rejected in that he let you know about his attraction to you and it wasn't mutual. That is, of course, your right ... after all, you can't help it if you're not attracted to him the same way.
You could, of course, reassure him that your friendship with him means alot to you ... but, if he's not respecting your relationship and your boundaries ... then, how much of a friend is he really?
Right now I've been ignoring him as much as possible. And now I refuse to talk about my personal life with him. And I've never brought my boyfriend about him but he has made it known that he doesn't want to be around him. Our mutual friends think it's stupid and want me to bring my boyfriend when we all go out and say that Andy just needs to deal with it. I feel like I've made it clear by telling Andy that we will never be more than friends.
I used to feel sorry for Andy but now I'm fed up and am just angry with him.