HE'S OVERWHELMED & I'M CONFUSED
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| Thu, 10-27-2005 - 11:38am |
PLEASE I NEED ADVICE ON WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HIM AND WHETHER I SHOULD WAIT IT OUT OR JUST MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE?
I guess I should start at the beginning... I met my bf over 4 months ago through mutual friends. Our first date was awesome but he left to go out of town on business for 2 months the next day. We "dated" on the phone for those 2 months (he called/text messaged me a few times a week) and most times we would talk for hours about all sorts of stuff. It was nice b/c we got to know each other really well w/out having to deal with the "physical" pressures of a new relationship. Eventually, he told me he had been married for 1 month over 3 years ago and that his ex had embezzled a lot of money from him and left him with a lot of debt. He spent thousands of dollars getting the marriage annulled and any record of it erased. He told me at the time that he had gone through therapy so he wouldn't have trust/relationship issues and that he really liked me and hoped I wouldn't let that change things with us. I told him that I liked him too and I was happy he felt he could tell me about something that made him so vulnerable. When he came home two months ago, we started out slow b/c although we felt really comfortable with each other already, we didn't want to jump into a realtionship full force and risk burn out.
Things have been going great until last night. We spend time together whenever we can but make sure we still have breathing room. He told me his friends all love me and think I'm the best thing to happen to him in years. We often just hang out at his/my place or grab a bite to eat somewhere and continue to have great conversation. I truly enjoy his company and would be fine with that alone but he is always buying me little gifts (flowers every few weeks, a White Sox T-shirt, etc.) He knows I don't expect that from him and has told me he loves how down to earth and upfront/honest I am.
Usually in bed after sex, he brings up "relationship" discussions. Sometimes its playfull but often we discuss our past & future. He's made comments about "when meet mom", travel plans 3 months from now for his birthday, etc. I spend the weekend with him but use the "I have to work tomorrow" excuse to avoid staying over during the week to give him/myself some space. He suggested that I bring over clothes etc. and leave them at his place so I can go to work from there but I told him that was moving to fast for me. We've always had really good communication and just last week he prompted the "are we officially bf/gf?" talk (told me that he had taken himself off the market the night of our first date).
Things have been going great until last night. He has been working a lot at a new job and trying to impress his bosses so he can get a promotion more quickly to help pay off the debt his ex-wife left for him. He has been very "stressed, overwhelmed and depressed" due to his finances/work. I have been very supportive, there when he wants me but cautious to give him enough space so I don't add to the stress. I have been trying to take things 1 day at a time so I don't get too involved but I can admit that I am falling for him. I think he is falling for me too and it's difficult for him b/c I am the first real relationship after his ex-wife. That's why I think he's freaking out all of a sudden.
Last night he text messaged me to see how I was and then texted me again that he was scared. When I tried to call him, he didn't answer so I texted back "scared of what?" After two hours of texting back and forth he finally came out and said he needs to focus on paying off the debt he has and hinted that he needs more space to do that. We recently went to a wedding of a friend of his and he commented that "it made think about a lot of things" and he's "not ready" and needs time. I asked him if he was breaking up with me and he never really answered me. All of a sudden, he can't talk to me openly like he has in the past and is sending mixed signals - I'm the best thing to ever happen to him - he cares about/likes me so much - he misses me when we don't talk/see each other, etc. BUT HE NEEDS TIME. I don't get it. He won't talk to me about this and I don't think it's fair for him to jerk me around like this, not after all this time and all the things he's said to me about the future he wants with me.
I pride myself on being a great girlfriend: level headed/understanding, independent/confident, caring/considerate, fun/laidback. I am a wreck though and so confused b/c he all of a sudden (literally overnight) decided things need to stop for a while or move slower when he's the one always pushing them further. PLEASE I NEED ADVICE ON WHAT'S GOING ON WITH HIM AND WHETHER I SHOULD WAIT IT OUT OR JUST MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE?

This guy may be trouble and let me tell you why.
I am stuck on your second paragraph where he says he was married for a month and then driven into debt by his exwife through embezzlement. I am kind of wondering what type of guy would marry somebody so horrific. You might think he is a victim, I am thinking this guy might be a chronic codependent.
I'm not worried whether you should wait for him or not. He has a pile of financial problems and can't make up his mind whether he wants you or doesn't want you. I say don't worry about what he is going to do next, worry about yourself and move on.