He's smaller than me

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
He's smaller than me
7
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 12:17am

I'm 36 years old, divorced 7 yrs ago, been in many relationships, have no problem finding dates. I'm 5'7" , thin, pretty and considered a bombshell. It has proven to be difficult to meet someone with whom I click with on an intellectual as well as a sexual level. I'm one of those few women who has it together, professional, good sense of humor, cultured with many different interests. What I'm trying to say is that I'm considered a "catch" because I have the whole package. And I know this sounds like a lot of ego here, but I am self confident and it seems like other people value me as much as I value myself.

My problem right now is this: I recently met this man that I find absolutely adorable. We click in many ways and I always end up having a great time with him. I'm always left with wanting more. He seems to be very interested in me, however, he's smaller than me and I'm finding it difficult to deal with my own pre-conceived notions of what a man should look like as well as other people's pre-conceived notions.

Maybe the fact that my father is 6'3" an my brother is 6' has a lot to do with it. Height is valued in my family. I remember my parents making fun of short men or small framed men. The guy I'm dating is both short (5'5") and small framed.

Even though I'm not huge myself, I wear high heels and look really tall. How can I, if it is possible, overcome this? Is this doomed from the start? I don't want to break his heart or waste his time. Is there a way to deal with this or is the fact that I'm so concerned a huge red flag?

Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 7:49am

Actually - there are more than a 'few' women who have it together and all of us are a catch. that's what makes a woman a good catch - having her act together.

That said, I'm tall and prefer taller men, but I have been attracted to and very involved with me slightly shorter than me and one recently who was about 40 pounds lighter than me. I didn't care - I liked the man. I caqme from a tall family and I love to wear heals. I'm comfortable with that. Most men who have been shorter than me that I've dated haven't cared one bit and actually loved that I still wore heels.

You are getting confused about what matters most to you and what matters to how others perceive you. If you can't be with someone without worrying what others will think of him and you being with him, then do both of you a favor and move on. REal love is based on acceptance. When you try to please other people you rarely please yourself.

Hon, when you are 100% clear on who you are and what matters to you, you will not worry about other people's perception of who you are with.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 10:30am
you have to know yourself well enough to know if you can sincerely change having a problem with a shorter, smaller man. shorter men do not bother me in the least, but i would have a problem with a guy who was obese or not the greatest hygiene. those are my limits.
if it will get in your way too much, move on. the bottom line is you have to decide if you can change it. for height, if it was me, i'd change my attitude in a hurry LOL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 10:44am

Only you can determine whether or not height is a turn off. I am a petite woman so height has never really been an issue for me, as my last husband was my height at about 5'4". I have never dated a skinny guy, so I can't relate there.

However, if you are always left with wanting "more" than maybe the issue is not his appearance, because you do state that he is "adorable". I know you mentioned the pre-conceived notions you grew up with and how they are possibly interfering with this relationship. The fact that your parents disliked short or small framed men could interfere in his relating to your family and you down the road.

This one maybe a toughie for you, but go with your conscience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2005
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 11:37am

To clarify, when I say I'm always left "wanting more" I don't mean wanting more height. I mean I want to spend more time, I'm left wanting to be with him more.

I guess one of my biggest issues would be how to sell it to my family. My family's approval is very important to me and even though they are reasonable, respecting people, I fear they will have a hard time visualizing me with someone a little smaller. We are all big at my house and since I'm considered very attractive, I'm sure they visualize me with someone tall, big and hansome. I think he's handsome, just not tall or big.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 12:44pm

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HOn, this is your problem - you don't HAVE to sell who you like and why you like them to your family. Your family wants you to be happy - period. Their approval means nothing if you aren't happy with who you have to be or what you have to do to get it. This is self defeating and unrealistic.

Its one thing to want them to like someone that is important to you but entirely another to choose someone simply because THEY think he fits their vision. You an ask their opinions of his character - but other than that - they get no say. And if you allow yourself to choose a mate based on someone else's opinion rather than your own, you WILL be unhappy with the choice. This world is FULL of people who married someone or choose that career because everyone else said it was best. And they were miserable - and they usually ended up leaving the spouse or the career eventually to do what they wanted to do or be with whom they wanted to be with.

Bottom line is this - your family isn't the one who has to wake up next to, endure hardships and laughter with, or have children with the man - you are. You like who you like. And if you are choosing a man for hte RIGHT reasons - he has good character and loves you - then your family will see that, even if it takes a little time.

The packaging can and does change over time and very often not for hte better. A man with a good heart is worth more than the best looking, richest, whatever, man in the world. Your are allowing your own values to be determined by someone else's approval - that really has nothing to do with you - their perferences are based on their own likes and dislikes - just like yours are.

If you compromise your own preferences to please someone else's, you will not be happy.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 8:48pm

Isn't that funny, "wanting more" also could have meant he didn't satisfy any emotional needs, and that is what I meant, not height.

The best way to handle this is just to walk in with him, in full support of him and to be very comfortable about the situation. If they sense any nervousness or awkwardness about you, then maybe they would launch an attack, even just for fun at his and your expense. If they make fun of him, in front of you, you are going to need to support him and explain that anything like that will not be tolerated. But, after a while it will go away. If the guy is comfortable dating someone taller, then that is half the battle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 04-26-2007 - 8:07am
Well as long as you dont lead him on why not go outside your comfort zone, hang out with him and see if attraction develops?
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