He's Still on Match While With Me??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
He's Still on Match While With Me??
16
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 10:18am

Well today I came across something that literally turned my stomach and had me tearing up at my desk while at work. Now keep in mind that I met my now boyfriend only about 2 weeks ago, and we only started dating just each other for the past week, so I know it's really new, but here's the thing. HE asked ME to be exclusive with him and "be his girl". I said yes. We met on match, so we went on match together and deactivated our profiles together. Keep in mind, de-activating does not mean people can't see you. It just means unless you start paying again, you can't email or contact anyone back. You can just log into your account and see who's looked at you or emailed you.

Anyway, I went onto match because I know last time I cancelled they didn't really cancel me out and they kept charging me, so I wanted to check my profile. I did this yesterday, and I don't know why, but my profile still said "active within 24 hours". I was kind of upset at this because I really wasn't active within the last 24 hours. So I decided to go over and check out my man's profile after that. His said the same thing, but I didn't worry about it because mine did too. So this morning I went back in to look, and mine said "active within 3 days". I looked at his and it said "active within 24 hours". This tells me that he's still going on there and checking out other options even though he asked me to be his girl. I don't know what to think now and I've been a mess all morning at work over this.

PLEASE HELP!!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 10:46am
well i guess all you can really do is ask him...I'd be suspicious too. I think I mentioned in another post of yours that I found it odd that he'd ask you after 3 dates to be exclusive with him, especially when he has children and is divorced. This seemed odd to me and some other posters...you dont know him after 3 dates!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 11:17am
Online dating is tough. And some people tell you what they want from you but they cant offer you the same. It sounds like he may have offered you exclusivity before he himself was ready just to make sure he didnt lose you to other options online. The only way to find out though is to just go ahead and ask him. It wont be the last time in your relationship with him ( if that is where this is headed) that you have to check something out with him so that you dont drive yourself crazy. Sometimes a simple explanation can clear things up in seconds. If you drive yourself crazy instead of asking only to find out there was a simple explanation you end up feeling silly. And if he does care for you he will be fine with answering some nervewracking questions now and again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 12:00pm

Well,

I think I ruined it. I did jump to conclusions and left him a voicemail calling him on the whole match thing. He said to me "what, you can check your status but I can't check mine?" - He then said to me things like "maybe this is why a few guys have dumped you, because you have trust issues and they don’t feel like dealing with this" and "now I think we should take things slow" so I said "what does that mean?? That we're not together anymore??" and he said "I don’t know what I want right now… it's only been a week and we've already had a lot of problems". So I kept apologizing saying if I made a mistake then I'm really sorry and it wont happen again, but he was just really cold and not receptive to my apology. He said if this is what he's gonna have to deal with, waking up to nasty voicemail messages, then he doesn't want it. Then he said if I'm acting so untrusting that makes him wonder how much he can trust me. He really started making me feel completely guilty and no matter how much I tried to talk to him and apologize he just said "excellent, thank you" and I said "you don’t even care that I'm sorry, do you?" and he said "no, not now I don’t… I don’t like being accused of things I didn't do all the time… GOODBYE!!!" and he hung up on me and turned off his phone so that I couldn’t call him anymore. Now I feel like I ruined things and that he wont talk to me ever again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 12:06pm

I'm sorry this is happening to you right now. Again though, you two probably didnt know each other to dive right in and label each other as exclusive. Do you see what that did? It puts many expectations on the relationship. His match status obviously didnt live up to your expectations and now your behavior and accusations have not lived up to his.

I would give him space and time. If he truly wants things to work, he'll contact you.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 1:48pm

Honestly? Good riddance! His behavior is totally consistent with what I would have expected given the red flags I pointed out to you earlier.

Now--that's not to say that you did the right thing by being so confrontational--you could and should have just ASKED him about it first. But his reaction tells me that he's used to being confronted for shady behavior and so he's come up with an "offensive defense" strategy that will cause most women to back off and not ask further questions so he can do what he wants without being accountable.

So--while you could have handled it better, you didn't "ruin it". Someone who was right for you would understand why you reacted the way you did, and wouldn't have become so defensive. Even if he isn't shady (doubtful), given your issues, you are not going to be a good match for someone who is so defensive when confronted with possible shady behavior.

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 1:50pm

Oh, and PS--in addition to cancelling your subscription, you CAN hide your profile on Match so no one else can see you. That's what most people I know do when they are in exclusive relationships. There's a button to check that says something like "Hide my profile"--it's very easy to do.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 2:43pm

Yes, i'm pretty sure i've ruined things. He wont take my calls or respond to my texts now.

And northwestwanderer - One of the things he said when I confronted him was "oh, you're allowed to go on and check your status but i'm not? you had to log in to check your status" and I said "no, I went in as nobody and just did a search to narrow it down to me (like someone who isn't a member yet) - oh, and I told him I even went as far as to hide my profile from being seen. All he did was be tongue-tied.

And one more little tidbit... He tried to get me to go to a swingers club with him in the city. I told him I wasn't into that and he asked me again.. RIGHT AFTER WE HAD SEX NO LESS!!! (yes, I gave it up to him after like 4 dates and now I totally regret it) - maybe that's all he wanted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 3:38pm
really I think you dodged a bullet here. I dated a guy on and off for almost nine months last year and he made trust issues out of anything he could get his hands on for this entire time. I would have been more than happy to have something solid with him but he was too busy making sure that could never happen and creating drama. Not only was he totally cheating and doing whatever he wanted but he also ( like your prince) pressured me into a swingers club. Took me there after I said I wasnt sure I was interested and didnt tell me where we were until we were inside and it was obvious. A lot of these clubs look just like regular clubs from the outside. Anyhow, once in there I stayed out of sheer curiousity and do you know what? He got mad that I returned a kiss to a girl who approached me. I had never kissed a girl and I figured this was a decent place to try this out and she was totally open patient with me. He sulked for the rest of the evening even though he was dancing with anything that moves in ways I never kissed that girl...lol Anyhow, my point is if your guy has all these things in common with this ex of mine you are a lucky woman to have gottne off this easy. Dont call him anymore if you can possibly help it. Have your gf's take you out and get distracted by someone else immediately to help matters if you need to!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2006
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 3:45pm

Ok,

So I got a text message from him saying he's not mad at me, and then a phone call asking if I got his texts. He asked me what i'm doing later and that we could get together and talk. He said nothing negative is going to be said later when we meet, so i'm just very confused now and I dont know how to handle this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 4:34pm
OK....I realize you might feel pushed and pulled by this point and I totally get why if things were going well up until this point.
However I think you know in your gut that his reaction to your questions about the website were not great and you shouldnt just totally let that go. I think one of the reasons he doesnt want to discuss anything about it tonight is because it doesnt look so good for him to do so and he clearly didnt like the questioning.
I really think this guy either has some major issues he needs to sort through or he is just trouble. Either way my advice would be for you to surprise him with the following.
He thinks he is in control of the relationship but in my eyes he messed up with his volatile reaction and throwing your history up in your face rather than dealing with the questions you were asking him. Why dont you agree to go out with him if you really want to but tel him that based on what happened in the last few days with the website fiasco, you think you should slow down a little and maybe exclusivity is off the table for now. I dont think he was prepared to be exclusive to you to begin with - I think he only wanted you to be so this will probably throw him off. It also shows some common sense on your part and lets him know you arent in a rush to just be with anyone. You want to be with someone who is worthy of you.
Good luck!

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