He's unsympathetic when I cry....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
He's unsympathetic when I cry....
2
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 5:16am
My boyfriend of more than three years doesn't seem to feel much sympathy for me. I'm a fairly sensitive person and it doesn't take much for my partner to hurt my feelings. He just doesn't seem to feel much sympathy for me anymore. When I tell him that I'm hurt or upset, he might quickly retorts, "It's not my fault" even though I don't stake blame. I might get hurt if he denies me a hug or won't hold my hand in public. I might even cry when we get home. When I do cry, he very rarely makes an attempt at comforting me. I love it when does comfort me and he knows it. Sometimes he just leaves me where I am or he even gets mad and tells me to stop. This makes me cry even more. I'd ask him why he doesn't do anything when I cry and he says, "Because I don't know what to do" or "When I do, you keep crying." So I tell him what I'd like him to do and that it doesn't matter if I keep crying because it makes me feel better but he still rarely does it. It hurts so much when he neglects me. A simple touching my hand or an "I'm sorry" would suffice, but he's even got a problem with saying the two little words that make a world of difference. He wasn't always so distant, I don't know what happened. I've even made a strong effort to not cry because I don't want to be hurt even more, which probably isn't even good for me. I think he mostly comforts me when he knows my crying isn't his fault. I've tried talking to him numerous times about this, what else can I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 7:08am
Have you ever delved in to WHY you are so sensitive?

I mean if he denies you a hug you cry? that's in my opinion a little overly sensitive and you seem almost dependent on his touch, is there a reason you are so needy for affection? What are the issues that are underlying?

I am a HIGHLY sensitive person, when other people cry, I cry, I hate to see someone hurt, I cry at television programs, commercials sometimes...I'm very sensitive. However, if my boyfriend didn't want to hold my hand I would probably get pissed about it at first and then just blow it off, this definitely wouldn't send me into sobs.

So I gotta wonder what ELSE is really going on with you. Also, it could be that everytime you cry he is starting to think "here we go again" that you cry at everything etc. There are some people that just cry for no reason, to gain sympathy, to **win** the fight and if everytime he turns around you are crying because he didn't hug you when you wanted a hug maybe he's perceiving you as melodramatic.

Honestly, if you have things in your past that are causing you to be needy for touch, that make you cry when someone doesn't do what you want then I would honestly seek some counseling to figure out why.

You've told your boyfriend how you'd like him to be, WHEN do you tell him this? While you are crying or at another time? The best time to bring things up is in neutral territory, not when it's happening. So basically you are out to lunch one day and you say, you know xx sometimes when you dont want to hold my hand in public, it really hurts my feelings and it makes me cry and when I am upset I'd like you to just hug me and say you love me not just go into the other room. And see what he says. He's already told you he doesn't know what to do when you cry, which is that your crying makes him uncomfortable because he probably doesn't know WHY you are crying most of the time. Beyond telling him the way you would like him to react and finding out why you are this sensitive there really isn't much you can do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 1:32pm
Hi blackplastic.

I think sniffle sally is right. Maybe you're being overly sensitive. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive as long as you don't go to extremes.

But you need to understand that not everybody is like you, there are people that are a lot less sensitive and emotional, even cold, but that doesn't mean they don't have feelings or a heart or don't care about you. They just show their love in different ways.

Me for example, I'm like that. I almost never cry, I hardly get hurt about anything, and I don't know, I'm a little cold. I've always had the exact opposite problem as you. My boyfriends would always complain that I was not sweet, emotional, and sensitive enough, cause I wouldn't hug or kiss them constantly like they wanted, or talk to them sweetly, etc. But I did love and care about them, I just showed my love in a different way, with actions and things I did for them. And little by little they started to take this into consideration and learned to adapt to my personality.

I know I'm kind of cold and unsensitive because that's how I was raised when I was a child, I didn't get too much physical affection from my parents, but they are great parents and they showed their love to me in other ways, just not in that way.

I think what you need to do is look into your relationship with your boyfriend and see if he really loves you but shows it in other ways, and just try to adapt a little to his personality.

Hope this helps!